The Continuing Adventures of Karma’s OnLine Dating (Entry 28): More Communication Problems
Feb 20th, 2016 by Dr Karma

A few days ago, a man on Match contacted me. His profile and our brief conversation made it clear he was looking for someone who was into the great outdoors and doing all the body intensive stuff in it (whereas my favorite way to be outdoors is either finding the perfect spot to listen to the waves or watching the sun through leaves from a hammock pov).

I answered a question about ComicCon, but then said this: I don’t think we’d be a good fit. My back problems don’t allow for lots of hiking and other outdoor activities. I hope you find what you’re looking for, though!

The man sent me many more messages; he wanted to know what I did for a living, how long I’d been in Davis, etc.

I resorted to this: So I don’t know if you saw my message yesterday, in which I addressed a concern about our being a good fit. I’m not an outdoors person.

Him: Thanks for the email. I should pay attention to details. […]


Of course, I am definitely a snob about this kind of stuff. I prefer guys who read and write clearly.

On the other hand, maybe it’s not so much that I’m a snob. Maybe it’s that I don’t want my recreation time to be spent reading unintelligible things or having my comments ignored–I get enough of that at work.

It’s probably both.


That said, I give you two of the most difficult messages to parse that I’ve ever received. A 56 year old man messaged me. He was looking for women 30-40, so I asked him why.

Him: well their total abilities is still active an not as hard two get along with I notices that older women have went through a change of life that don’t let the be as nominal as a woman 30 to 40 why you ask an do my answer make a little since to you?

Me: I’m not sure what the word “nominal” means in that sentence.

It’s just a little strange for someone who’s so close to my mom’s age to think that my age is almost too much.

Him: well I been a fun an happy guy all my life so I thank an fell 10 years younger than I guess I’m suppose two that what most people tell me an the reason I never been married I was tough two put my carrier in life first an then the rest I came from a good family of poor people an they didn’t wont me two come up the way they did now I’m proud of they way they tough me if you understand that I’m saying.

The Continuing Adventures of Karma’s OnLine Dating (Entry 27): Messages I’m Not Answering Today
Feb 17th, 2016 by Dr Karma

*A 45 year old in Rancho Cordova: I just wanted to say hi

A 22 year old in Iowa: So this is going to be a very random thing to ask but I feel, for myself, this is a great way of expression oneself. So I ask if you mind me sending you a link to some music?

A 22 year old in Fairfield with a blank profile (except for one picture of the lower half of his face): Hii​

A 32 year old in Modesto, who lists God as his most important thing, wants children, is homophobic, and thinks “evolution has no place in schools”: I have a naughty secret cutie! ​

A 36 year old in Rocklin (who’s a smoker and who wants kids and who only wrote this on his profile: like to go to gym having fun): Hello there I like to meet with you let’s talk

A 34 year old in Santa Clara (three hours away; has a mostly blank profile): Are you open for a relationship with an Indian born male in US?

*I’m also not answering because I can’t parse his profile easily. Take this sentence: “I enjoy cooking, like plants I work out and take care of myself.

The Continuing Adventures of Karma’s OnLine Dating (Entry 26): In which a Catphish gets Mad at Me
Feb 13th, 2016 by Dr Karma

Over the last two days, I’ve gotten several “hi” emails from a very suspicious person. His picture is obviously fake (a google image search confirms it), and that fake picture is all the information he gives, except that he’s supposedly 31 and lives in Sac.
I asked him to stop constantly messaging me, explaining that I prefer to talk to real people.
He said he didn’t fill out his profile “coz I don’t lie.”
I then pointed out that his picture was a lie.
He said it wasn’t.
I said “google image search” and asked if his side business was modeling.
Him: Okay I am not lol in . Relax and breathe. I hope u don’t have control issues and super type A personality. As I said and please read in the lines and stop assuming things no my side business is not modeling it’s I. T. And 2ndly I haven’t dated online I didn’t wanted to put everything out there.m not that person but I m not some ugly fat ass short serial killer either . All I can say is u won’t disappointed at all.and I respect ur privacy too.u have put ur pics I didn’t ask for it and trust me pictures don’t tell u all .so herr we go as I said earlier I didn’t wana lie.what I said is true
I told him I didn’t want to continue the conversation, suggested he read Modern Romance for tips about better profiles, and wished him well: “I also hope that you find the right woman for you. May tomorrow be better than today.”
Him: Lol u r fucking insane ​
No wonder u r single​ [. . .]
U wrote alot I m gona say one thing breathe new relax and don’t be controlling ​
Don’t text me no more.u r getting on my nerves .I can’t stand people like u .

The Continuing Adventures of Karma’s OnLine Dating (Entry 25): Yes, There’s a Reading Component
Feb 6th, 2016 by Dr Karma

On Wednesday, I took up 50 essays. Yesterday, I led the all day scoring of the Upper Division Comp Exam. I scored 137 from the pile.

Naturally, I would like my personal life to provide an escape from the irritation caused by lack of reading comprehension.

Online dating is not providing me with such an escape.

Two examples from the past two days.

My Match profile says (among other things–NONE of which mention anything about the outdoors, sports, etc.): I don’t want to live with someone or to be married (I’m happy to explain why), but I am looking for a partner and for commitment with that person. My partner will be my lover and one of my best friends. We’ll be there for each other. We’ll be the first one the other wants to talk to when something funny happens, when there’s important news, when that coworker does whatever it is that needs a little ranting about, etc. We’ll spend several nights a week together, but we’ll have alone time and friend time too. My partner will be that person I’ll want to go to a show with when I score great tickets, and he’ll be that person I’ll want to learn to dance with someday. Wanna dance?

Man 1 (aged 25): I would love to dance , but I can’t dance that well. Will you teach how ?

Guess he didn’t understand what it means that I want to learn. This 25 year old also “definitely” wants kids, while my profile says definitely “no.”

Man 2 (aged 55): I must say it seems we share many common interests and values. There is something about you that intregues me.. Do you ski or enjoy tahoe 🙂 have you been up lately? I love anything outdoors. I am supportive, loyal, fun, intertaining and loving. I want to share all that with someone very special. Im a degreed professional and a USCG licensed and ordained captain. I own a house and i am seeking a wife that wants fun and lots of hugs. Its a great new year ! Lets make it one to remember;)

His degree, by the way, is an AA. There is nothing wrong with an AA, of course, but it just seems so weird to try to impress a PhD with it. Oh well, maybe he didn’t read the part that mentioned my degrees.

The Continuing Adventures of Karma’s OnLine Dating (Entry 24): When Lit PhDs Bleed.
Feb 1st, 2016 by Dr Karma

When you fall spectacularly in the parking lot before getting into your car, heading over to your ex boyfriend’s house to drink and watch Fargo, and manage to hurt a foot, an ankle, a knee, and both palms, after a particularly awful couple of weeks of trying to make a new relationship work, it hits you quite keenly that there’s something metaphorical about showing up on his doorstep bleeding.

It’s not the first time he’s had to bandage you up, but it’s the first time after the breakup, several months before.

He cleans you up, gets bandages on your foot, your ankle, your knee.

Your palms are still bare, outstretched.

“I have to get some more bandages for . . .,” he begins.

“My stigmata?”

You settle in. It’s a little like it used to be–the two of you with wine and then gin, watching tv, but you don’t throw your legs over his lap.

You’re more aware of your legs this time, what with the painful throbbing on your knee under your jeans.

In commercial breaks, you catch up. His kids, your aunt.

In one break, after you’ve moved on to the gin, you say, “Someone hurt me.”

You explain how a man was dating you, and then started treating you oddly. When you asked why, he said there wasn’t really a future, since you live thirty minutes from him, and since you don’t want to get married.

Of course, that was all true when this new guy first messaged you, when you has those dates, when he met a couple of your friends: it said so right on your profile–where you lived and that you didn’t want to get married–that you wanted a partner but without the cohabitation.

You told this new guy that your profile explains–has always explained–what you want. He said you didn’t mean it. “You’re obviously just looking for hookups if you don’t want to get married. You can’t have real intimacy unless you live with someone.”

You cried. In front of this man.

You had only cried in front of your ex twice in a two year relationship, and once was about the break up.

Of course, the other ended up being a breakup too, but it wasn’t losing this guy that made you cry. It was frustration, being so misunderstood, having this guy tell you that you didn’t know what you wanted. Missing the kind of relationship you’d had before.

“Am I crazy for wanting what we had?” you ask your ex.

He puts his hand on your good knee.

“You’re the sanest person I know.”

Later, you bleed a bit through your bandage on the way home.





(Written recently, but about November.)


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