So many men say on their profiles that they’re just looking for someone who loves them for them.
I know where that feeling comes from–they’ve been asked or expected to change before–finding out too late that love came with conditions.
I’ve been asked/expected to change
into a Canadian
into a blood letting dom
into someone “laid back” instead of driven and alert
into a good Christian woman
into a stepmother
into a trophy wife
into a dog person
into a woman with more than one child
into a biker babe
into a sports fan
and so many other things.
Naturally, these guys haven’t gotten what they wanted, since any hope of change has to come from a desire to change.
There are some attractive, interesting guys out there, but there’s usually something that keeps me from messaging them–it’s that I would need them to change.
If a guy smokes, I don’t tell him to stop; I just don’t tell him anything at all.
It’s the same with guys who want kids, guys who want someone really thin, guys who want someone who’s up for a spontaneous hiking/fishing/camping trips all the time, guys who need someone to watch sports with them . . .
There are also a lot of guys I’m not tempted to message because, and let’s be brutally honest here, they would have to change into someone who can come across as interesting in a dating profile, but most guys are desperately normal, with interchangeable, instantly forgettable profiles.
I’m really tired of guys who want me to change–especially when a major change would have to occur for a first date to happen.
In addition to the changes listed above, there are lots of guys who would like me to change into someone who wants to be poly, or who wants “no strings” sex, or who will be thrilled to enter into an adulterous relationship, or who is open to long distance, or a combination of the above.
The oddest (to me) request I get, though, is the frequent request for friendship. Dating sites generally allow you to say what you’re looking for: casual, long term, new friends, etc.
I am very clear that I’m looking for a long term relationship.
Some men, when I tell them I won’t date them because of x or y, will ask to be friends. I get it: they’re lonely, but I’m so not. My friends are wonderful and plentiful. Between them and my workaholism, I am never, ever bored, never wondering what I’m going to do for any given stretch of time.
And then there are conversations like this recent one:
Him: Hello there. I love your smile. Maybe we could be friends?? hope to hear back from you..
Me: “Friends” always seems like a weird word to me on dating sites. Some guys use it to mean they want dating with no strings (and of course there shouldn’t be strings at first, but they mean ever). Some guys use the word to mean sex without even dating. Some guys are lonely and need someone to watch tv with. I’m not bored or lonely–I have a vibrant groups of friends. What’s your definition?
Him: I hadn’t really thought about it. I guess this might paint a better picture: I don’t really have time to “date”, just hoping to find someone who wants to hang and watch stupid tv shows and fool around sometimes NSA. If something more develops, fantastic. But it’s hard with 2 little guys and 50/50 custody to really get into anything serious right away. So I guess it sounds like I’m being a typical male pig but it’s more necessitated by my lack of pure free time
He’s not a pig, of course, for wanting what he wants. But I’m clear in what I want–and it’s not a bad tv companion whom you get to fuck sometimes.
There are Japanese sex dolls for that, right?