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The Continuing Adventures of Karma’s OnLine Dating Entry 70: Rejection Rage
Aug 18th, 2017 by Dr Karma

When I first started dating after my long-term partnership ended, I found myself on a first date that seemed promising. Then, at the end, he let me know he was not at all interested in a second date. I was mortified. What clues had I missed? How had I misread it? The next morning, I actually sent an apology email, saying if I hadn’t been so rusty, I wouldn’t have ordered the second drink and wouldn’t have let him pay.

Cause I have manners.

A couple of weeks ago, after a few good dates, a guy wrote me to call the next one off. He said I was amazing but that he just didn’t feel enough of a connection to think it could work long-term. He was right, but of course it hurt my feelings. I wrote him back, saying only that I understood.

Cause I have manners.

Earlier this week, a guy finally stopped bothering me for a date, but did so rudely. I was nice enough to answer him and politely let him know I wasn’t interested–three times. He had to pull a “sour grapes” line: “You’re boring. bye.”

I admit it–I was being boring. I don’t strive to be engaging when I’m saying I won’t engage with someone.

And then I thought about all the guys who I think are boring.

Speaking of, I got a request from a guy with a boring profile and boring messages a little while ago. We had actually messaged before, sometime last year, but I didn’t remember.

He begged and begged for a date, and I relented. I tried to like him on the date–I really did. He was handsome. And he sounded like a good person, a sincere one.

But I somehow had to look at 17 pictures of tractors in various stages of being rebuilt.

And there were two things he said that stood out to me, and not in a good way. I mentioned the failed politician, Sarah Palin. He said that he didn’t know who she was, but that he was surprised all women weren’t supporting her, as she was a woman.

Ummmm.

He wanted another date. I almost let myself get talked into it (c’mon, give the nice farmer a chance!)–but then I thought about my resolutions, about how I didn’t get a little stomach flip when he messaged, about how I saw the prospect of lunch as a chore to do rather than anything I was excited about.

So I sent him a lovely message–one that praised his looks and generous nature, one that told him he deserved someone as excited about him as he was about them.

He told me I couldn’t possibly know if there was a spark since I hadn’t gotten to know him.

Then, with no regard for the irony of admitting we didn’t know each other, he diagnosed me, claiming that I just wanted to date “weak men” so I “can dominant [sic] them.” He said I didn’t “like real men.”

I wanted to insult him back–to tell him how boring he was, how politically uninformed he was, how sexist he sounded, how I’d been mistaken in thinking him nice.

But I didn’t.

Cause I have manners.

I wish more guys did.

We all get rejected.

How we handle it is perhaps a better insight into us than our profiles and our first date chatter.

Guys, mansplaining to me about how much I suck doesn’t make me reconsider my decision not to go on that date. It makes me reconsider ever talking to you in the first place.

 

 

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The Continuing Adventures of Karma’s OnLine Dating: Entry 69: Resolutions
Aug 13th, 2017 by Dr Karma

As I’m on an academic calendar, I’m nearing the start of a new year, and I find myself making resolutions–I want to take more walks, to see more movies, to experiment with document design for my students, etc.

I have a few dating resolutions as well. A recent “meh” first date and a recent awesome first date have brought them into clearer focus.

Nobody is perfect, but . . .
1. If I shy away from giving a guy my phone number when asked, then I don’t really want that next date. I should trust my gut instead of trying to justify another date because he’s nice.
2. If he can’t keep up with me, I’m gonna be so bored, so soon.
3. If I would not recommend him to my friends, because I know what they deserve, then I should pretend to be my own friend, and counsel myself with the same love.
4. Finally (with images from Allie Brosh):

 

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The Continuing Adventures of Karma’s OnLine Dating: Entry 68
Jul 29th, 2017 by Dr Karma

Did you say, after sex (which you proclaimed “amazing”), when I was naked and vulnerable, “Are you pregnant?”

Why was my first thought “I would feel hard, not squishy, if I were”?

Why did you put us in the position to have this conversation?

Me: I’m not pregnant. I’m heavy.

You: You’re not heavy . . .

Me: Yes. I am. Obviously.

Was it a good idea to try to change the conversation, which made me have to change it back?

Me: That really hurt me. And I’m going to hear that in my head for the foreseeable future.

You: Well, I just say whatever comes into my head. So I’ll probably make you angry a lot–I do that.

Umm, why didn’t you apologize?

Did you know I’d managed to bite my tongue so many times?

Why hadn’t I said, upon seeing it, that your dick was not as big as you’d claimed?

Why, by the way, did you, unprompted, warn me about how big it was?

Was it hope that you could get better with training that made me refrain from saying I was disappointed with your first efforts at pleasing me?

Was is that it would have been cruel?

Was it that I know that hearing certain things can shake one’s confidence for years to come?

Would I ever have told you that you aren’t as smart as you think you are? That it’s not your personal “secret” that you “figured out on [your] own” that a key to the GRE is to look for Greek and Latin roots in unfamiliar words?

Had you not considered that I have a PhD in English?

Have you heard of mansplaining?

Do you know how hard I worked not to laugh at you right then?

Why did you keep texting me after I politely declined to see you again?

Why did you think I needed to reconsider breaking it off?

Why were you so convinced that we had a great connection?

Have you figured out the big mistake by now?

Why did it take me months to write about this?

 

How many more months and years will I spend dreading what comes next–when that question, those words, will come, unbidden, as I make myself vulnerable with a new person?

How will I live with its echo in my head?

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The Continuing Adventures of Karma’s OnLine Dating: Entry 67: When Cougar Bait Tries Too Hard
Jul 18th, 2017 by Dr Karma

A guy with a very young looking picture, but whose profile says “32” messaged me:

Him: I’m really 21 and …

I’m looking for a stunningly pretty (like you are) and sexperienced older woman like you to teach me everything and let me be please her in every way like going down on her for hours, does that interest you? :)​.

Me: Nope. I’m looking for more than a toy.
Have a great day.

Him: Damn that sucks, I thought we were a perfect match :/

Me: How could we be when you’re 21 and when I’m looking for something serious?
My son is turning 24 this month, for fuck’s sake.

Him: I am looking for something serious with a sexy older woman like you.

Me: You’re looking for sex tutoring, according to your message. That’s not the same thing.

Him: What if I wanted both?

Me: You’re 21. I’m twice your age.

Him: I like that. Do you like younger?

Me: No. I like men, not boys.
It would be super creepy if I were into boys younger than my son.

Him: Okay sorry to bother you.

 

I just can’t imagine dating someone who could be The Boy’s younger brother . . .

Ewww.

Also, I remember dating in my 20s; I don’t want anything to do with that again.

 

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The Continuing Adventures of Karma’s OnLine Dating: Entry 66: When they threaten to “do masturbate.”
Jul 9th, 2017 by Dr Karma

If I’ve already told you I’m not interested, why would you message me a week or a month later asking for a hookup?

Guy 1: Hello I’m jesse you have amazing eyes!

Me: Hi, Jesse. Thanks for the compliment. Unfortunately, I don’t want to date someone as far away as Stockton. I hope you have a wonderful day!

Guy 1: Ty sexy

11 days later:

Guy 1: Hello I would love to give you a Australian kiss! 

[That’s a random offer to go down on me.]

Me: I’m not interested in hooking up with you.

 

In May, I had a frustrating conversation with Guy 2. His profile was pretty blank, he hadn’t answered many questions, etc. When I told him I wasn’t interested b/c of that, he wrote more and answered more questions, which was helpful in that it allowed me to see that we weren’t at all compatible. Took a while to shake him, though–he just kept hounding me. Then I finally thought he’d gone away.

A month later:

Him: Hi how you doing

Me: I’m still not interested in pursuing a relationship.

Him: I know I just asked how u doing

Me: I’m busy–I’m overseas at a conference. I’m not sure why you’re messaging me.

Him: Oh nice .. have fun

A little later:

Him: I was looking for hookups and I u r pics turn me on

Me: How strange. On May 12th, you wrote this to me: “I am also not looking for casual sex..”

So I guess you were lying.

Him: I’m not laying on that time .but I haven’t had sex for last 8 months and I was so much turn on last night

And your profile I always like and you pics turn me on so much

Me: I’m not interested in you.

Him: I know I was just trying my luck if you are ready for hookup with me but that’s fine I can watch porn and do masturbate

Me: I will never want to hook up with you.
Enjoy your porn.

And now he’s blocked.

 

 

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The Continuing Adventures of Karma’s OnLine Dating: Entry 65
Jul 7th, 2017 by Dr Karma

Remember the homophobe who admitted he was one and then denied it and said he wasn’t interested any more since I was being so tiring by maintaining the consistent position of being not at all interested in him (entries 61 and 62)?

He wrote. Again.

Him: Why are we sometimes 79% match and some other time different than 79% ? I thought about what you said and you were right. I was new on the site and did not answer your questions correctly. It has been very time consuming and no results 🙁 Probably i am not good in this internet thing.

Me: I haven’t looked at your profile lately, so I don’t know if the numbers are changing.
If you changed some of your answers or answered more questions, then that would shift the number.
OKC might also be running an test.

Him: Thanks for your kind explanation.

Are you on line and drinking wine?

Me: I’m teaching in Oxford, UK this month. I’m eating breakfast and prepping for class.

And I’m not interested in chatting; this isn’t going anywhere.

Him: My apologies. Here is 4 days holidays and late at night. My mom saw your profile and thought you are the best 🙂 Sorry. Enjoy your trip and good luck in your class. I always felt you are high caliber intelligent person but not to this extent. Forgive my ignorance and wrong assumptions.

Two days later:

Him: so how did your class go? Would you share what was the subject or do you have any scripts of your lecture?I am just curious nothing more. I have a very strong personality and i am very independent and do not expect anything just curious 🙂

Part of the problem thus far is that I tend to answer people if they say more than “hi.” There’s this sense of politeness. But, again, I’m reminded of a fact I’ve written about before. In online dating, women are more often than not punished for being polite.

This post talks about what one man serially does to women. In the example cited at length, he claims he’ll leave the uninterested woman alone–if she engages–and quickly turns abusive when she doesn’t.

And what’s up with the mom comment?

Maybe he should let her read what he wrote to me, and then she can tell him why he’s now blocked.

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The Continuing Adventures of Karma’s OnLine Dating: Entry 64
Jul 3rd, 2017 by Dr Karma

Him: I see, through thirty
Getting older, every day
My soul drawing pictures
Of innocent times
Can you add, color, inside these lines i want u to lead me take me somewhere one day 🙂

Me: Hi; thanks for your message.
I generally don’t answer people with minimally-finished profiles.
Based on your answers to questions, we are probably not looking for the same thing. You say you’re looking for a woman to have children with–I’m done with all that. You also say your relationship with God is important; I’m an atheist.

Him: you dont know me

I see, through thirty
Getting older, every day
My soul drawing pictures
Of innocent times
Can you add, color, inside these lines i want u to lead me take me somewhere one day 🙂

Me: I don’t know you–and your profile is pretty blank. But I did read the answers to the couple of questions you answered, and I’m not seeing much compatibility.

Him: I see, through thirty
Getting older, every day
My soul drawing pictures
Of innocent times
Can you add, color, inside these lines i want u to lead me take me somewhere one day 🙂

Me: Cutting and pasting that pick-up line over and over again isn’t encouraging me to have a conversation.
I hope you have a good holiday weekend and that you find the perfect woman for you!
Goodbye!

Him: yolo berry yogurt thanks i will

WTF was that?

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The Continuing Adventures of Karma’s OnLine Dating: Entry 63
Jun 27th, 2017 by Dr Karma

Sometimes messages (and their writers) are just incomprehensible.

Take the following message:

Him: Am Glad u took your time to read and reply me ,Well i have a few questions running on my mind,… things like ,How long have you been on here, what u do for a living, any kids?, what you looking for here , how long have u been single?.. well thats all i have in mind for now ,, may be as time goes i will get to know more..i hope to hear from you soon

Me: Ummm . . .
The first line of that message is confusing–you’re making it sound like I’ve already messaged you.
Your profile is sending mixed signals too. Your paragraph says you’re only looking for marriage (in all caps!), but your profile says you’re also seeking short term dating and new friends. The main page says you don’t want more kids, but in the questions, you say you’re looking for a woman to have children with.

I’ve been on here for two years, although I take breaks sometimes. I’ve been single for about two years. My profile answers the rest of your questions: I’m a writer and a university teacher with a son in college. Looking for a long term relationship (though I don’t want to get married–one can have partnership and commitment without that).
🙂

I guess he didn’t like that.

He blocked me.

🙂

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The Continuing Adventures of Karma’s OnLine Dating: Entry 62
Jun 25th, 2017 by Dr Karma

Last week, I shared the story of a guy from Carmichael who had homophobic answers to questions on OKC. I thought saying “I don’t date homophobes” would end the conversation, especially since he’d said homophobia was a “weakness” of his.

He didn’t go away, though. Here the (annotated) conversation continues:

Him: I am not homephobes. Which question gave u the impression?

At any rate have a wonderful day and take care.

Me: There’s a question about how you would feel if a gay friend hugged you, a question about guys wearing makeup, a question about gay people having children, etc.

Him: Lol, My friend filled out some of the questions while I was away from computer at work. I have no problem with any of those. He has played a prank on me. I think every human being is free to live and create a family anyway he or she wants as long as it does not hurt others. It is a totally private thing for an individual. I believe in equality of men and women and so on.

I am mainly looking for a good solid friend. And be honest with you it is not easy to find someone like you with this level of liberalism, education and so on in this area. Friendship and good intellectual conversation with someone is the main thing for me. But honey you need to give it time to understand each other. By the way there is this learning process meaning we can learn from each other about this things that we might be mistaken.

What is your number? or whatever else which is trendy these days to do voice. I am seeking only friendship the rest is up to you if u like me more. You set the limits and i will respect them.

And life, friendship is more colorful than some questions and answers. You throw an apple up it makes many various turns before comes back down.

Joke time : This really super pretty but dump actress see Bernard Shaw who was super smart but not good looking. She tells Bernard lets make a kid together so the kid gets her look from me and her IQ from you. Bernard replies I am afraid opposite can happen so kid gets her IQ from you and her look from me !

[Argh. Go away. Every message I’ve sent has been to say “no thanks.” I don’t want to talk or be friends or have you send me poetry or call me honey (when guys say it in sentences designed to change my mind, I feel talked down to). The GBS “joke” is a story in which GBS makes a joke. And, of course, as a GBS scholar, I’ve heard it before.]

Me: Look: I’m not on here for more friends. I’m looking for a partner. When I first said your answers were homophobic, you admitted it–you said it was your weakness.
I feel like you’re just trying to backtrack now.
Nothing about our interaction has made me want to give you my number–I didn’t like the cut and paste; I don’t like the answers to a lot of your questions. Your profile is pretty blank, etc.
I’m not interested.

Him: I meant all good and somehow you keep misunderstanding me. When i said friend I meant I care about you that I even wana keep you as a friend if you don’t feel I am qualified enough for more. See this is the problem with texting the feelings are hidden or even miss represented. Take it easy and enjoy. You have made me tired and I am not interested at all. Take care

By the way thanks for your feedback I am adding to my profile.

[You care about me? What? You don’t know me.]

[You want to keep me as a friend? We’d have to be friends for you to keep me.]

[I keep misunderstanding you? And you find that exhausting? We finally have something in common. My view of this conversation: Me: I’m not interested. You: But get to know me. Me: No, because . . . You: Yeah, but settle for me. Me: No. You: But get to know me; I’m great really. Give me your personal number, like you would for someone you’re actually interested in. That way, I can bother you and make you interested in me. Me: No. You: I care about you, best friend forever.]

Me: Farewell!

 

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The Continuing Adventures of Karma’s OnLine Dating: Entry 61–Nothing’s Perfect, Apparently
Jun 19th, 2017 by Dr Karma

On June 5th, some loser from Carmichael with a pretty blank profile (and with questions that indicated we’re 26% enemies) said:
Hi Beautiful ! How are you? 🙂
I didn’t answer.
Yesterday, he tried again:
Hi Beautiful ! How are you? 🙂
Me: I’m really not into generic cut and paste messages, which is part of why I didn’t respond the first time you pasted that greeting.
Looking at your profile, it’s pretty clear we wouldn’t get along–you’re a lot more socially conservative than I am.
I hope you have a great day and that you find the perfect woman for you.
Him: I am a super liberal, progressive person.
You will know that for sure if we talk more.
Me: The answers to many of your questions are homophobic.
Him: You are probably right .
I am very liberal and progressive in everything else. My only weakness is what you said. I am impressed by your IQ and Judgment. But honey nothing is perfect.
Later:
r u transextual?
Me: No. I’m cisgendered and straight. But I don’t date homophobes.

 

Some thoughts:

Nothing is perfect?

I know that nothing is perfect–every man I’ve ever loved has been imperfect, as am I.

But this isn’t something to overlook–like when a guy likes sports or something. Homophobia disgusts me.

And wtf with the “transextual” question? Does this “super liberal” guy really think that I’d have to be trans to have his homophobia matter to me?

Way to show empathy, which is precisely the issue in the first place.

 

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