Today, I made my first meme. I have a short entry from my experiment in calling guys on not reading my profile that inspired it.
Me: I don’t think you read my profile before writing. 🙁
toomacho: I’m too lazy for that
So a couple of weeks ago, I did an experiment–I called guys on not reading my profile.
The first result (and a reminder of what my profile says) is here.
Guy Two uses 11 words to describe himself on his profile. I couldn’t read his answers to questions, but OKC tells me he’s 40% incompatible with me, based on what I care about.
Him: Hi.. how s it going You are beautiful, I hope we can be friends
Me: I’m looking for a partner, not just a friend. But thank you for the compliment; it was nice to wake up to! 🙂 Have a great day!
Him: Morning .. everything starts with friendship
I would like to take you out
Me: Things do start with friendship, but your profile says friendship is what you’re looking for–not long-term dating. It also says you want kids. I’m not having any more of those.
Him: I am still learning how to use this dating site. Yes I want relationship with my compatible person. Kids depend on my partner
Me: Did you “lock” almost all of your questions? I can only see your answers to two of them.
Wasn’t comfortable to put my info in my profile
Me: I’m confused then–the site says you’ve answered forty questions, but I can only see your answers to two. It is telling me that, based on your answers, we’re not a good match.
Him: You can ask any question you want
Me: If you read my profile all the way through, you’ll know I hate it when guys say that. 🙂
Him: My bad
Me: I’m on OKC instead of other sites so I don’t have to play 20 questions to figure out basic compatibility. Can you see all of my answers?
Him: I didn’t read yet
And then maybe he did–cause that was the (always inevitable) end.
I decided to do an experiment.
The first sentence in my profile is Please read the “You should message me if” section before messaging.
The You Should Message Me If part says, . . . you are liberal (especially socially), smart, sexy, secure in yourself, funny, appreciative of smart and funny women, and a nonsmoker. No long distance, please. (If you’re a difficult/long drive away, it’s not gonna happen.)
This site isn’t connected to my phone, so I’m not really available to chat; instead, I come online once or twice a day to read and answer messages. So tell me something about yourself or ask me a question or tell me a dating horror story–I love those. If we find we have things to talk about, we’ll set up a meet. (If you’re the type of guy who needs to text a girl every three minutes and have her text you back right away, I’m probably not the girl for you.)
I’m only likely to answer if you’ve answered plenty of OKC’s questions (I don’t want to have to ask you if you’re jealous, if you’re homophobic, if you don’t believe in dinosaurs, etc. when OKC can ask you for me), if you have a picture, if you’ve said more than just “hi”/”good morning”/etc. in your message, and if you’ve filled out your profile with more than “ask me” or the equivalent.
The experiment: for a day, call people on obviously not reading.
Man 1 only said this on his profile: A loving and caring man.
He had answered 25 questions. Based on that, we are 35% NOT suited for each other.
Him: hello,how are you doing?
Me: I don’t think you read my profile.
what makes you think that way
Me: Because I don’t think you’ve read the “message me if” part at all–you’re basically doing everything I said not to do.
Me: Not trying to be–just being honest. Anyway, I hope you find what you’re looking for. Have a good night.
More results of the experiment to follow.
I’m judgmental, as you know, dear readers. Countless men have told me so. They use the word mostly when I catch them in lies–about being married, about being a completely different person from their picture, etc.
Are there women who are not prone to judge those who lie to them?
Is this what guys mean when they say they want someone who’s easy going?
Or when they say they want someone without baggage?
(I admit: a lack of baggage (read: experience) would probably make me helpless in the face of the lies and toying around.)
Recently, a guy was flirty and expressed interest in a date. But then said he wouldn’t be free for a couple of weeks. A couple of weeks went by. Mostly silence.
Me: So did you actually want to set up that date sometime?
A couple of days went by.
Me: Okay. Bye, window shopper.
Him: Window shopper? Nice, that’s a little harsh and judgmental
Me: I’m judging based on the evidence I have to go on, yes.
You may have your reasons, but all I got was silence. Any outside observer who looked at this conversation would conclude that you wanted to flirt, but not really go out.
Window shopper is one of the nicer metaphors for that, really.
I hope you find what you’re looking for.
Two guys in two days with the same problem.
Both guys have the bare minimum on their profile, haven’t answered OKC questions, etc, and thus have not met the basic requirements (which you, my loyal readers, urge me to maintain).
Guy 1: Hola mami u look great
[Several hours later]
Guy 1: How come u didnt say hi
Me: As my profile says, “I’m only likely to answer if you’ve answered plenty of OKC’s questions (I don’t want to have to ask you if you’re jealous, if you’re homophobic, if you don’t believe in dinosaurs, etc. when OKC can ask you for me), if you have a picture, if you’ve said more than just “hi”/”good morning”/etc. in your message, and if you’ve filled out your profile with more than “ask me” or the equivalent.”
Guy 1: Ur taking life way too serious
Me: If you think so, then we’re obviously not a good fit.
I hope you find someone carefree and that you have a great day!
Guy 1: Uptite
Wats ur name im [his name here]
Guy 2: Hello.
Guy 2: Hmm
Really? Is it really a hmm-level mystery why I didn’t answer?
This entire conversation was awful, but see if you can spot the line that most made me go, “eww . . . what?! . . . eww!”
Him: Did you cry when Trump won?
Me: Yes. Many times. What about you?
Him: It didn’t really matter to me which pig got voted into the farm house.
[I decide not to answer. Two days later.]
Him: Feel like wine and a movie tonight?
Me: No, thanks.
I have to confess: I’m very sensitive about the election. I know too many people who are a lot more vulnerable right now. Thus, the pig reference just didn’t sit well with me.
I hope you find someone more carefree and that you have a great evening!
Him: You don’t see Animal Farm going on before your eyes?
Me: I think a lot of absurd things happen in politics, but I don’t at all think Clinton as President vs. Trump as President is any kind of equal threat to me, to the environment, to my students, etc.
Him: Keep thinking that. But in the meantime, there’s this warm man over here who would like to pur his arms around you if you change your mind.
Me: I’m not going to change my mind. I cried with the trans student I mentor after the election. I’m working with my department to take action to protect our muslim students and our dreamers. I’m fighting for my students to have access to birth control and abortions. I’m fighting for free speech and scientific literacy. A few years ago, I moved my disabled aunt to California so she could get access to care because she was literally dying in a Republican state that rejected the part of Obamacare that would cover her. I could go on, but I’ve got way too many papers to grade today.
Look, I’m sure you’re a decent person, but you’re not the person for me. And I’m not at all desperate, so I don’t have to settle for just a warm body. 🙂
I hope you find someone beautifully suited to you and wish you all the best.
Him: Ok, good luck to you too
[Eight days later]
Him: Surprised you haven’t left the country yet
Me: It’s not going to get fixed that way.
Him: Ok, so you’re going to fix it?
Me: Are you meaning to be hostile right now? Since I don’t know you, I’m not sure how to read this conversation.
Him: Nope…remember, I’m an INTJ [he’d mentioned that in his profile, and was counting on me to have assigned meaning to it]
[I decide not to answer. Several hours go by. This next one gets sent in the middle of the night:]
Him: I want you to connect and bond with me.
Me: I’m not interested in that.
Him: That’s really unfortunatw
Okay, reader. You saw the whole thing. Which part icked you out most?
A 37 year old guy from Illinois (Rock Island, where a couple of my friends live) tried to strike up something with me. This is the full conversation.
Him: Sorry to say are you really 41?
Me: Yup. Why would I lie about that?
Him: You dont look it a bit?
Could u date someone younger?
Me: You’re only a couple of years younger than I am–that’s not why we can’t date. We can’t date because you’re in Rock Island and we aren’t compatible in what we want and what’s important to us.
can u make it more clear
Me: Have you looked at our compatibility and our questions? Your questions say you’re looking for someone to have children with–I’m not having another child. You think jealousy is healthy in a relationship–I don’t date jealous people (especially jealous people with guns). Your profile says your Christianity is important to you–it doesn’t make any sense to partner with an atheist.
Him: Hmmm okay
Recently, a guy struck up a conversation with me on OKC. He then mentioned he was going to try Zoosk.
I pointed him to my column on how much that site sucks.
A few days later, I got this:
I had a few strange responses on Zoosk, so I read your blog, which may be the first blog I’ve actually completed. I had no idea you speak Spanish ( que bueno). Yeah guys suck at chatting, and we are from mars. I have said or chatted “how was your day”, simply because I’m lazy, and most likely will never receive a reply.
Well back to my situation, I had two responses that were almost identical.
“I’m really busy now packing”. I’m thinking “So”, packing isn’t a 24/7 job.
Maybe something is fishy with Zoosk.
30 bucks down but not the end of the world.
[his name here]
For a guy to even write more than 2 words is an honest attempt at communication.
I wrote a long answer about how he and other men were causing their own problem–we don’t answer, because they’re lazy. They justify being lazy cause we don’t answer.
(I didn’t bother with the Mars bullshit. I don’t think men are incapable of writing a profile of a message or that all women are master communicators, but it didn’t seem worthwhile to enter into that particular debate here.)
I’d say for the most part, picture is all I look at, and attraction dictates effort. Second thing I look at is body type. Then determine how old the pictures could be. If the profile is too long, I just skip it. I have no desire to be a therapist.
I’ve never seen a long profile and thought a guy wanted free therapy, but then again, I have read more than one blog post in its entirety.
This only strengthens my prejudice against those lazy messages. And now this guy’s conversation with me is over. Sigh.
Back in the saddle.
So I disabled my profile for Fall quarter, due to a combination of being crazy busy, continually leaving the country, and thinking I might have found someone (I did–someone great, just not someone who could work out long term).
My profile is back up, and the adventure continues.
A guy: How’s your week going? Did you recover from the holidays?
Those eyes and smile are stunning
Me: Your profile says you’re seeing someone, your picture has a wedding ring in it, and you aren’t showing your face.
So you’re not single, right?
A guy: I am not single but not marrie[d]
Me: I’m looking for a long-term partner, not to be someone’s secret.
A guy: Ok. Hope you have a good day
And that’s been about the best of it . . . Sigh.
Every day, I get an email about who’s been trying to hack this site. Specifically, I am alerted when a distinct IP gets blocked after 20 failed attempts to log on. Usually, these IPs are registered in other countries, but someone in Kansas wants in too.
There are also a lot of spam comments. Hundreds are blocked every day. Some are just ads. Some are in completely different languages. And some pose as real comments, with compliments on content (though never specific)–I think they’re hoping that if a comment gets approved, they’ll have unrestricted access to the comment section from then on.
I’m not alerted to all this spam–my program only shows me actual comments and what might be actual comments so I can choose to approve them.
This week, this spam comment came through for approval on this entry:
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a lot of numerous angles. Its like men and women aren’t involved until it’s
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Obviously spam, right?
Actually, I can’t blame the program. Have you seen what real guys write to me on dating sites? The readability level is basically the same. 😉