The Continuing Adventures of Karma’s OnLine Dating: Entry 68
Jul 29th, 2017 by Dr Karma

Did you say, after sex (which you proclaimed “amazing”), when I was naked and vulnerable, “Are you pregnant?”

Why was my first thought “I would feel hard, not squishy, if I were”?

Why did you put us in the position to have this conversation?

Me: I’m not pregnant. I’m heavy.

You: You’re not heavy . . .

Me: Yes. I am. Obviously.

Was it a good idea to try to change the conversation, which made me have to change it back?

Me: That really hurt me. And I’m going to hear that in my head for the foreseeable future.

You: Well, I just say whatever comes into my head. So I’ll probably make you angry a lot–I do that.

Umm, why didn’t you apologize?

Did you know I’d managed to bite my tongue so many times?

Why hadn’t I said, upon seeing it, that your dick was not as big as you’d claimed?

Why, by the way, did you, unprompted, warn me about how big it was?

Was it hope that you could get better with training that made me refrain from saying I was disappointed with your first efforts at pleasing me?

Was is that it would have been cruel?

Was it that I know that hearing certain things can shake one’s confidence for years to come?

Would I ever have told you that you aren’t as smart as you think you are? That it’s not your personal “secret” that you “figured out on [your] own” that a key to the GRE is to look for Greek and Latin roots in unfamiliar words?

Had you not considered that I have a PhD in English?

Have you heard of mansplaining?

Do you know how hard I worked not to laugh at you right then?

Why did you keep texting me after I politely declined to see you again?

Why did you think I needed to reconsider breaking it off?

Why were you so convinced that we had a great connection?

Have you figured out the big mistake by now?

Why did it take me months to write about this?


How many more months and years will I spend dreading what comes next–when that question, those words, will come, unbidden, as I make myself vulnerable with a new person?

How will I live with its echo in my head?

The Continuing Adventures of Karma’s OnLine Dating: Entry 62
Jun 25th, 2017 by Dr Karma

Last week, I shared the story of a guy from Carmichael who had homophobic answers to questions on OKC. I thought saying “I don’t date homophobes” would end the conversation, especially since he’d said homophobia was a “weakness” of his.

He didn’t go away, though. Here the (annotated) conversation continues:

Him: I am not homephobes. Which question gave u the impression?

At any rate have a wonderful day and take care.

Me: There’s a question about how you would feel if a gay friend hugged you, a question about guys wearing makeup, a question about gay people having children, etc.

Him: Lol, My friend filled out some of the questions while I was away from computer at work. I have no problem with any of those. He has played a prank on me. I think every human being is free to live and create a family anyway he or she wants as long as it does not hurt others. It is a totally private thing for an individual. I believe in equality of men and women and so on.

I am mainly looking for a good solid friend. And be honest with you it is not easy to find someone like you with this level of liberalism, education and so on in this area. Friendship and good intellectual conversation with someone is the main thing for me. But honey you need to give it time to understand each other. By the way there is this learning process meaning we can learn from each other about this things that we might be mistaken.

What is your number? or whatever else which is trendy these days to do voice. I am seeking only friendship the rest is up to you if u like me more. You set the limits and i will respect them.

And life, friendship is more colorful than some questions and answers. You throw an apple up it makes many various turns before comes back down.

Joke time : This really super pretty but dump actress see Bernard Shaw who was super smart but not good looking. She tells Bernard lets make a kid together so the kid gets her look from me and her IQ from you. Bernard replies I am afraid opposite can happen so kid gets her IQ from you and her look from me !

[Argh. Go away. Every message I’ve sent has been to say “no thanks.” I don’t want to talk or be friends or have you send me poetry or call me honey (when guys say it in sentences designed to change my mind, I feel talked down to). The GBS “joke” is a story in which GBS makes a joke. And, of course, as a GBS scholar, I’ve heard it before.]

Me: Look: I’m not on here for more friends. I’m looking for a partner. When I first said your answers were homophobic, you admitted it–you said it was your weakness.
I feel like you’re just trying to backtrack now.
Nothing about our interaction has made me want to give you my number–I didn’t like the cut and paste; I don’t like the answers to a lot of your questions. Your profile is pretty blank, etc.
I’m not interested.

Him: I meant all good and somehow you keep misunderstanding me. When i said friend I meant I care about you that I even wana keep you as a friend if you don’t feel I am qualified enough for more. See this is the problem with texting the feelings are hidden or even miss represented. Take it easy and enjoy. You have made me tired and I am not interested at all. Take care

By the way thanks for your feedback I am adding to my profile.

[You care about me? What? You don’t know me.]

[You want to keep me as a friend? We’d have to be friends for you to keep me.]

[I keep misunderstanding you? And you find that exhausting? We finally have something in common. My view of this conversation: Me: I’m not interested. You: But get to know me. Me: No, because . . . You: Yeah, but settle for me. Me: No. You: But get to know me; I’m great really. Give me your personal number, like you would for someone you’re actually interested in. That way, I can bother you and make you interested in me. Me: No. You: I care about you, best friend forever.]

Me: Farewell!


The Continuing Adventures of Karma’s OnLine Dating: Entry 51
Feb 1st, 2017 by Dr Karma

Two guys in two days with the same problem.

Both guys have the bare minimum on their profile, haven’t answered OKC questions, etc, and thus have not met the basic requirements (which you, my loyal readers, urge me to maintain).

Guy 1: Hola mami u look great 

[Several hours later]

Guy 1: How come u didnt say hi 

Me: As my profile says, “I’m only likely to answer if you’ve answered plenty of OKC’s questions (I don’t want to have to ask you if you’re jealous, if you’re homophobic, if you don’t believe in dinosaurs, etc. when OKC can ask you for me), if you have a picture, if you’ve said more than just “hi”/”good morning”/etc. in your message, and if you’ve filled out your profile with more than “ask me” or the equivalent.” 

Guy 1: Ur taking life way too serious 

Me: If you think so, then we’re obviously not a good fit.
I hope you find someone carefree and that you have a great day! 


Guy 1: Uptite 

Wats ur name im [his name here]




Guy 2: Hello.


Guy 2: Hmm

Really? Is it really a hmm-level mystery why I didn’t answer?

The Continuing Adventures of Karma’s OnLine Dating: Entry 47
Jan 14th, 2017 by Dr Karma

Recently, a guy struck up a conversation with me on OKC. He then mentioned he was going to try Zoosk.

I pointed him to my column on how much that site sucks.

A few days later, I got this:

I had a few strange responses on Zoosk, so I read your blog, which may be the first blog I’ve actually completed. I had no idea you speak Spanish ( que bueno). Yeah guys suck at chatting, and we are from mars. I have said or chatted “how was your day”, simply because I’m lazy, and most likely will never receive a reply.
Well back to my situation, I had two responses that were almost identical.
“I’m really busy now packing”. I’m thinking “So”, packing isn’t a 24/7 job.
Maybe something is fishy with Zoosk.
30 bucks down but not the end of the world.
[his name here]
For a guy to even write more than 2 words is an honest attempt at communication.

I wrote a long answer about how he and other men were causing their own problem–we don’t answer, because they’re lazy. They justify being lazy cause we don’t answer.

(I didn’t bother with the Mars bullshit. I don’t think men are incapable of writing a profile of a message or that all women are master communicators, but it didn’t seem worthwhile to enter into that particular debate here.)

His response:

I’d say for the most part, picture is all I look at, and attraction dictates effort. Second thing I look at is body type. Then determine how old the pictures could be. If the profile is too long, I just skip it. I have no desire to be a therapist.

I’ve never seen a long profile and thought a guy wanted free therapy, but then again, I have read more than one blog post in its entirety.

This only strengthens my prejudice against those lazy messages. And now this guy’s conversation with me is over. Sigh.

The Continuing Adventures of Karma’s OnLine Dating: Entry 44: Poly
Jul 26th, 2016 by Dr Karma

Last summer, before I headed to Iceland, I went on a lot of dates with a poly guy. Let’s call him P.

I have many poly friends, and I’ve been curious about it before–most notably, though, when certain important needs aren’t being met with a partner.

When I first went on OKC again, in early 2015, I decided to be open to the possiblity. I had three dates with one guy (not P) pretty early–but his wife didn’t like me–and something kept nagging at me about him. I realized, on that third date, what it was–I had never heard him actually laugh. Instead, he made another sound–that derisive snort about people he didn’t like.

So that wasn’t going to work, but I was still open to poly.

And, thus, I agreed to a date with P last summer. He was charismatic. He explained his situation: after his wife’s successful cancer treatment, her sex drive died. She refused to go to the doctor, and told him to get used to it. He proposed a compromise: that he could have a girlfriend or two. They spent a couple of years building trust that he wouldn’t leave her for one of them.

It was perfectly understandable. It also sounded functional.

It only took another couple of dates, however, for problems to arise. Our conversations were always about these relationships–and I didn’t like what was happening with the other girlfriend–she was younger, only dating him, wanting, desperately, to marry him and have children with him. He knew this. At one point, while he and I were dating (I think this was the catalyst–him trying to have a relationship with me proved he wasn’t going to leave his wife and become monogamous), she decided she wanted something more traditional. So she started an online profile. However, she posed as single while she was still in a relationship with P. And she could thus decide that each guy who messaged her was nothing compared to P. I told P she just wanted him to get jealous–to whisk her away to normality–that he was standing in her way. He agreed, but wouldn’t do what she couldn’t: end it.

The larger problem, though, was the almost immediate pressure to redefine myself.

After about a week, he thought I should change my status from single to “open relationship,” to announce to every other man I was talking to that I had a boyfriend.

I told him to slow down–that even if it were just the two of us, I wouldn’t want to stop everything and commit after a week.

And then I had to keep begging him to slow down, because that pressure never let up.

In additional to pushing me away, it made me think–fast–about what I wanted, and ultimately to decide that poly–at least his kind–isn’t for me, for several reasons.

  1. Time. In my last LTR, I spent three nights a week with my partner. It worked well, giving me a couple of nights a week with friends and a couple of nights a week on my own. If I were to spend two or three nights a week with one partner, when would I find the time for another partner?
  2. All this guy could talk about–after the first date–was his wife, his girlfriend, and the future he wanted with me. It didn’t seem like he had friends or hobbies other than us–and that scared me off.
  3. Relationship talking in general isn’t something I like to do. On our first day in Iceland, Melissa and I sat in a natural hot-tub and discussed whether I was going to stay in a relationship with P. I was explaining how difficult I found it, as he wanted to talk about relationships all the damn time. Melissa leaned in close and said, “Karma, I’ve known you for 15 years, and you don’t even like to talk about relationships with me. You don’t want this.”
  4. I need to be a primary. Most poly relationships seem to be set up in a hierarchy–you have a primary partner and then one or more secondaries (or a primary partner and one-offs). If I entered into a relationship as a secondary–but it was my main relationship–it wouldn’t be what I wanted or needed. Secondaries are–by definition–interchangeable. Most people will fight to maintain a relationship, but, if life goes wrong, the secondary relationship will be sacrificed for the primary one. I want a my person–and, while that’s possible in poly–it’s excessively difficult to find a primary relationship if you’re starting as someone else’s secondary.

The nail in the coffin, though, was a conversation P and I had before I left for Iceland.

Me: What if I meet a guy named Sven, and I want to fuck him?

P: You wouldn’t, would you?

Me: I’m not going to go looking for someone, but say I did.

P: But you can’t!

Me: Why not?

P: Because that’s not how this works–you can have boyfriends, but you can’t just fuck around!

Me: Why not?

[We argue about safety–he wants a “closed system,” which I argue is never really closed, because it counts too much on other people. He had once dated a woman who had 8 boyfriends–did he really think no one in the extended circle had one-offs?]

Me: So I’m supposed to tell a guy that I want to fuck that I’m not allowed to, because I’ve been dating another guy for two weeks? Even though I haven’t made a commitment to him? And even though that guy is probably fucking someone else in that moment?

Him: It has to be closed–that’s the kind of poly I am.

Me: Well, I’m not poly yet. And how do we know what kind of poly I would be?




The Continuing Adventures of Karma’s OnLine Dating (Entry 41): Why I’m Hard to Date 2
Jul 9th, 2016 by Dr Karma

Like most geeks, I’m not geeky about everything. (How could one be?)
My geekiness turns off most guys; however, geeky guys are often happy to find a geeky woman on a dating site.
But a lot of them are gamers of one kind or another, and I’m not.

Reason 2: I’m not a gamer.
I didn’t play many games when I was a kid, partly because I didn’t have many people to play with. My younger brother was too much younger, and I didn’t know any of the kids in my neighborhood, really–they went to different schools (private ones), while I was a public school kid.
My great-grandmother taught me how to play solitaire, got me a few decks, and had my great-grandfather build me a lap board, so I could watch shows with them while playing–while they played on their boards.
My mother played pente and chess with me. I found chess boring, overall; it was such a long wait between plays as mom went through the strategy of every piece.
Strategy in games just isn’t my thing.
(It’s not really a strength in real life either. I just try to play it straight and hope others will too; it is probably too easy to outmaneuver me.)
The day I beat my mom in chess was the last day she wanted to play.
Of course, there were some games I played and enjoyed: Trivial Pursuit; the occasional Connect Four. I liked early computer games–including those green screen adventure games where the land was all in your mind. I distinctly remember typing endless directions into Transylvania.

Command: Kiss Werewolf

Command: Kiss Werewolf

When Alexander was a baby, I played The Neverhood–I played it again with him when he was older.
Now, our favorite thing is Boggle–he’s really, really good, and beats me most times now. What we like about it, though, is that it only take a few minutes to play. It’s a nice break, but not something that goes on for too long, as most games tend to do.
Of course, my son definitely has a longer attention span for games than I do–he plays D&D with friends and has many favorite video games that can consume him for hours.

One of my very favorite things is to ask questions while he’s playing:
Why are you shooting those geckos?
What did they ever do to you?
Well, didn’t you come on to their territory? Don’t they have the right to defend it?
What do you mean it’s a job?
Who gave you the job?
You took a job from some guy you don’t know? How do you know you’re not the bad guy here?
You’re probably the bad guy here, right? You did walk onto their territory.
Is this a pro-colonialism game?

A lot of self-identified geeks who message me express a deep love of games–board games, computer games, role playing games, and the like.
But, as I think we all know by now, I’m old and set in my ways. I don’t want to play most games (the only thing I love is Cards Against Humanity with Tiffany and Ben–I’ll never turn that down). And even though many guys tell me that I’ll like playing with them and their friends/family, I just don’t want to.

I’m not sure how to end this piece. By explaining how Monopoly is the worst of all games both because it’s boring and because I’m a believer in old-school Teddy Roosevelt trust-busting? By desperately avoiding the too obvious metaphor of not liking it when people play emotional games? By making a too obvious sex joke (and real statement) about how I like to play in other ways when I’m with a special fella?

Still not sure–I’m just not that good with strategy, apparently.

The Continuing Adventures of Karma’s OnLine Dating (Entry 39): A couple of no-thank-yous
Jun 29th, 2016 by Dr Karma

Guy 1: How are you doing today,hope your day is going well?your eyes aren’t just beautiful,they are a gateway to a world that I want to be part of,i really like your smile and you are very attractive,i want to get to know you cos i am on here seeking a serious and long term relationship
Me: Hi, David. Thanks for your message.
While I’m looking for a serious relationship, I’m not looking for marriage or another child–your profile seems to indicate that you want those things.
Guy 1: Yes but we can still get to know each other ,if you don’t mind
Me: I guess I’m just wondering what the point would be–if we’re fundamentally different in what we want from a relationship, why would we start one?
Also, Auburn is far away–I’m not gonna make that drive for dates.
Guy 1: Hello dear,how are you doing today,hope your day is going on well?good to know you are open to making new friends,I’m new to online dating and i would like to know you better,how long have you been on here,what are you seeking on here,what does it take to put a smile on your beautiful face,do you like to kiss,are you a good kisser,do you like wine,hope i didn’t ask too much?
Me: I’m confused by your last message.
My last message indicated I didn’t want to start a relationship, since you’re far away and since we want different things.
Guy 1: sorry about that

Guy 2 is on disability and is on the spectrum. He admits he doesn’t really have friends. He doesn’t like to travel. He games all day. He is specifically looking for a female gamer with a high sex drive.
Me: I’m reluctant to enter into a relationship under those circumstances. I’ve been unhappy in relationships before when my partners weren’t social.
I hope you find the perfect woman for you; best wishes!
Guy 2: What a superficial reason lol

In the last couple of weeks, I’ve also had a bunch of messages that I haven’t responded to. Some are from far away or far enough away to be annoying. Some are conservative (men should be in charge of the household cause the Bible says so). What they all have in common is that they either haven’t read my profile wherein I say what I want and that I expect an actual message instead of a “hi” equivalent OR they’ve read it but still can’t put together an actual message.

Guy 3: How are you?
Guy 4: Hello
Guy 5: Good morning how are you doing
Guy 6: Hello love how you doing
Guy 7: Hello, i’d love to find out more about you…
Guy 8: Hello beautiful
Guy 9: hi beautiful, how are you
Guy 10: Good morning, TGIF 😆, how are you? 🙂
Guy 11: Hi, how are you?
Guy 12: Hi
Guy 12 [10 minutes later]: Hello

The Continuing Adventures of Karma’s OnLine Dating (Entry 34): I’m Blaming That Date-Raping Skunk
Mar 28th, 2016 by Dr Karma

1stI’m fairly certain that the men who message me grew up on Looney Tunes, as I did.

I’m now fairly certain that many of those men learned the wrong lessons, especially a lesson about taking no for an answer. In the world of Pepe Le Pew, no doesn’t exist. Penelope (the cat) makes her position clear. Pepe doesn’t listen. And sometimes, he wins.

I have a vivid memory of catching one of the cartoons as my son watched, years ago. Pepe chased Penelope. She was running for her life. She ran into a cave–an ice cave. The last shot of her showed her terrified face, reflected in the ice shards, as she realized she was trapped. Pepe rolled a boulder in front of the entrance and hung a “Do Not Disturb” sign.

The End.

2For a couple of days, I’ve been nicely explaining that I don’t want a long distance relationship. In fact, this is the only conversation I’ve had with the gentleman in question. He complimented me. I thanked him. He said he wanted to talk more. I said I didn’t want to pursue anything, since he was far away. We exchanged this information several more times–him saying he wanted to talk, me saying I didn’t. (I’m also inherently not interested–his profile is generic and he hasn’t really answered OKC’s questions). This is the end of the conversation:

Picture Pepe bouncing after me; a French accent may even help some of the grammar/writing problems:

Him: But I do you think I’m suppose to find that’s perfect woman, if not by getting so close with me woman that my spirit tells me much about. ​

Him: I don’t care about the distance, because I can’t get my eyes of you. ​

Him: You are a good looking woman, if you don’t really believe in long distance relationship, why don’t you give it a try.. And what about talking and texting you on phone? ​

[That last one confuses me, causing me to stumble. So because I’m pretty, I have to do something I don’t believe in? I pick myself up, keep running, calling this out.]

Me: I’ve done long distance before; it’s not what I want for my life. And I don’t want to spend all day talking and texting on the phone for a relationship I don’t want to pursue. […] Look–you don’t know anything about me, really. You just seem to be attracted to me based on my looks.

Him: Yea I know I don’t really know you, but I know it only takes a day to know someone and be close friends.. You are attracted to me by your looks yea.. And that makes you a woman and I’m proud saying you are attracted to me and I’m interested in you. I’m the the kind of in-person that likes meeting someone that is been attracted to me, and that who my spirit accept as a woman. My spirit tells me you are a good looking pretty woman. I follow what my spirit tells me, I just wish things will work out between us, I’m going to make you proud and you will never regret having an meeting me. I’m not ask you of that forcefully, take your and think about it. ​

[His spirit tells him what? And when did I say I was attracted to him?]

[I raise the mallet.] malletLe sigh.


The Continuing Adventures of Karma’s OnLine Dating (Entry 33): On Stasis
Mar 25th, 2016 by Dr Karma

So many men say on their profiles that they’re just looking for someone who loves them for them.

I know where that feeling comes from–they’ve been asked or expected to change before–finding out too late that love came with conditions.

I’ve been asked/expected to change

into a Canadian

into a blood letting dom

into someone “laid back” instead of driven and alert

into a good Christian woman

into a stepmother

into a trophy wife

into a dog person

into a woman with more than one child

into a biker babe

into a sports fan

and so many other things.

Naturally, these guys haven’t gotten what they wanted, since any hope of change has to come from a desire to change.

There are some attractive, interesting guys out there, but there’s usually something that keeps me from messaging them–it’s that I would need them to change.

If a guy smokes, I don’t tell him to stop; I just don’t tell him anything at all.

It’s the same with guys who want kids, guys who want someone really thin, guys who want someone who’s up for a spontaneous hiking/fishing/camping trips all the time, guys who need someone to watch sports with them . . .

There are also a lot of guys I’m not tempted to message because, and let’s be brutally honest here, they would have to change into someone who can come across as interesting in a dating profile, but most guys are desperately normal, with interchangeable, instantly forgettable profiles.

I’m really tired of guys who want me to change–especially when a major change would have to occur for a first date to happen.

In addition to the changes listed above, there are lots of guys who would like me to change into someone who wants to be poly, or who wants “no strings” sex, or who will be thrilled to enter into an adulterous relationship, or who is open to long distance, or a combination of the above.

The oddest (to me) request I get, though, is the frequent request for friendship. Dating sites generally allow you to say what you’re looking for: casual, long term, new friends, etc.

I am very clear that I’m looking for a long term relationship.

Some men, when I tell them I won’t date them because of x or y, will ask to be friends. I get it: they’re lonely, but I’m so not. My friends are wonderful and plentiful. Between them and my workaholism, I am never, ever bored, never wondering what I’m going to do for any given stretch of time.

And then there are conversations like this recent one:

Him: Hello there. I love your smile. Maybe we could be friends??  hope to hear back from you..

Me: “Friends” always seems like a weird word to me on dating sites. Some guys use it to mean they want dating with no strings (and of course there shouldn’t be strings at first, but they mean ever). Some guys use the word to mean sex without even dating. Some guys are lonely and need someone to watch tv with. I’m not bored or lonely–I have a vibrant groups of friends. What’s your definition?

Him: I hadn’t really thought about it. I guess this might paint a better picture: I don’t really have time to “date”, just hoping to find someone who wants to hang and watch stupid tv shows and fool around sometimes NSA. If something more develops, fantastic. But it’s hard with 2 little guys and 50/50 custody to really get into anything serious right away. So I guess it sounds like I’m being a typical male pig but it’s more necessitated by my lack of pure free time

He’s not a pig, of course, for wanting what he wants. But I’m clear in what I want–and it’s not a bad tv companion whom you get to fuck sometimes.

There are Japanese sex dolls for that, right?






The Continuing Adventures of Karma’s Online Dating (Entry 32): & Again
Mar 22nd, 2016 by Dr Karma

As my faithful readers know, politeness is a double-edged sword in online dating. Men hate it when their overtures are ignored, yet polite nos are met with badgering bullshit. The overwhelming advice I get from men and women is to quit with the politeness already.
Today presented a new challenge.
A man “liked” me. In other words, he didn’t send a message, but hit a button indicating interest. A quick perusal of his OKC profile led me to one conclusion: No.
He’s homophobic, thinks creationism should be taught in science classes, rates his faith as “extremely important” in his life, etc.
So I logged back off.
Unfortunately, some lonely people spend all day hoping that someone, anyone, looks at their profile.
Him: No hello
[Please note that I did not comment on the irony here. He didn’t say anything to me when he read my profile; he simply clicked on a star.]
Me: I don’t think we’re very compatible. You seem to be more old fashioned than I am. I hope you have a wonderful rest of your day!
[This is me being nice. It is code for “go away, you homophobic bigot.”]
Him: Why would you say that how do you know?
Me: I read through some of your answers to questions. You said homosexuality was a sin, that creationism should be taught in science classes, etc. As I’m a passionate advocate for gay rights, for science, etc., I don’t think we’re compatible.
Him: Omg I don’t give a shit about that

Once again, I wished him well. I did not mention how he just took the lord’s acronym in vain, etc.
And then I blocked him.
I’m so sick of this.

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