Today, I made my first meme. I have a short entry from my experiment in calling guys on not reading my profile that inspired it.
Me: I don’t think you read my profile before writing. 🙁
toomacho: I’m too lazy for that
So a couple of weeks ago, I did an experiment–I called guys on not reading my profile.
The first result (and a reminder of what my profile says) is here.
Guy Two uses 11 words to describe himself on his profile. I couldn’t read his answers to questions, but OKC tells me he’s 40% incompatible with me, based on what I care about.
Him: Hi.. how s it going You are beautiful, I hope we can be friends
Me: I’m looking for a partner, not just a friend. But thank you for the compliment; it was nice to wake up to! 🙂 Have a great day!
Him: Morning .. everything starts with friendship
I would like to take you out
Me: Things do start with friendship, but your profile says friendship is what you’re looking for–not long-term dating. It also says you want kids. I’m not having any more of those.
Him: I am still learning how to use this dating site. Yes I want relationship with my compatible person. Kids depend on my partner
Me: Did you “lock” almost all of your questions? I can only see your answers to two of them.
Wasn’t comfortable to put my info in my profile
Me: I’m confused then–the site says you’ve answered forty questions, but I can only see your answers to two. It is telling me that, based on your answers, we’re not a good match.
Him: You can ask any question you want
Me: If you read my profile all the way through, you’ll know I hate it when guys say that. 🙂
Him: My bad
Me: I’m on OKC instead of other sites so I don’t have to play 20 questions to figure out basic compatibility. Can you see all of my answers?
Him: I didn’t read yet
And then maybe he did–cause that was the (always inevitable) end.
I decided to do an experiment.
The first sentence in my profile is Please read the “You should message me if” section before messaging.
The You Should Message Me If part says, . . . you are liberal (especially socially), smart, sexy, secure in yourself, funny, appreciative of smart and funny women, and a nonsmoker. No long distance, please. (If you’re a difficult/long drive away, it’s not gonna happen.)
This site isn’t connected to my phone, so I’m not really available to chat; instead, I come online once or twice a day to read and answer messages. So tell me something about yourself or ask me a question or tell me a dating horror story–I love those. If we find we have things to talk about, we’ll set up a meet. (If you’re the type of guy who needs to text a girl every three minutes and have her text you back right away, I’m probably not the girl for you.)
I’m only likely to answer if you’ve answered plenty of OKC’s questions (I don’t want to have to ask you if you’re jealous, if you’re homophobic, if you don’t believe in dinosaurs, etc. when OKC can ask you for me), if you have a picture, if you’ve said more than just “hi”/”good morning”/etc. in your message, and if you’ve filled out your profile with more than “ask me” or the equivalent.
The experiment: for a day, call people on obviously not reading.
Man 1 only said this on his profile: A loving and caring man.
He had answered 25 questions. Based on that, we are 35% NOT suited for each other.
Him: hello,how are you doing?
Me: I don’t think you read my profile.
what makes you think that way
Me: Because I don’t think you’ve read the “message me if” part at all–you’re basically doing everything I said not to do.
Me: Not trying to be–just being honest. Anyway, I hope you find what you’re looking for. Have a good night.
More results of the experiment to follow.
I’m judgmental, as you know, dear readers. Countless men have told me so. They use the word mostly when I catch them in lies–about being married, about being a completely different person from their picture, etc.
Are there women who are not prone to judge those who lie to them?
Is this what guys mean when they say they want someone who’s easy going?
Or when they say they want someone without baggage?
(I admit: a lack of baggage (read: experience) would probably make me helpless in the face of the lies and toying around.)
Recently, a guy was flirty and expressed interest in a date. But then said he wouldn’t be free for a couple of weeks. A couple of weeks went by. Mostly silence.
Me: So did you actually want to set up that date sometime?
A couple of days went by.
Me: Okay. Bye, window shopper.
Him: Window shopper? Nice, that’s a little harsh and judgmental
Me: I’m judging based on the evidence I have to go on, yes.
You may have your reasons, but all I got was silence. Any outside observer who looked at this conversation would conclude that you wanted to flirt, but not really go out.
Window shopper is one of the nicer metaphors for that, really.
I hope you find what you’re looking for.
Two guys have been trying to set up dates with me. Both have been annoying because they keep insisting on me going to Sacramento for a first date, leading me to think they’re not really that interested.
Today’s thrilling updates:
I’ve been turning down Guy 1 for a while. I explained to him that I couldn’t see him this weekend because my car is acting up and I don’t want to cross the causeway until I can get it to the shop.
I thought he might propose coming here.
Guy 1: Hi, any car update how about tonight?
Me: I’m not going to be able to make it in to the mechanic until Wednesday.
I’m sensing a great reluctance to come to Davis. 😉
Do you not have a car?
Guy 1: Yea no car these days ..:9
Me: Ah. Wish you’d just told me that in the beginning–I was confused by you asking me out a lot but not seeming willing to cross the causeway for a date.
Now, I’ve gone out on dates with Sacramento guys who didn’t have cars. However, they were upfront about it, rather than skirting the issue until pressed.
Guy 2 has been coming off as strange in a couple of ways–there seems to be an arrogance/control thing, though I could be wrong–there haven’t been all that many messages. He might just seem that way because he only wants to do the minimum to get a date.
At any rate, he kept pushing for Sac, which isn’t always easy for me (and sometimes annoying because if I have a doc appt in Sac during the day, I really don’t want to head back there for a first date, esp for someone who isn’t exactly smooth in his courting).
Guy 2 [a while ago]: When can u come to sac
I thought I should signal my displeasure:
Me: I’m not sure. I’ll be in Sac later this week, but I’ll have my son with me–we’re going to a show.
Neither of us seems too eager/able to make a special trip across the causeway to see the other person.
[Many days pass. Cut to today.]
Guy 2: Hey u. Would u like to meet
Me: I’d meet if you wanted to come to Davis, especially since my car is acting up and I would want to take it to the mechanic before I took it across the causeway. But my impression is that you aren’t keen on heading this way.
And then I postulate to myself that two guys are having the same underlying issue, so I send another message.
Me: Or is it that you don’t have a car?
Guy 2: Lol no i do have a car
I have a bad headache today, but is there some pattern I’m missing?
Perhaps understanding human behavior is futile.
Also, on this headache day, I would like to say I didn’t send a message meant for car Guy 1 to car Guy 2.
I guess we can’t always live our dreams.
Many of you have probably heard of the Dunning-Kruger effect: this is about the relationship between actual knowledge and one’s perception of their knowledge. What’s striking about this relationship is that those who have the least knowledge often believe they have the most.
In other words, they don’t know what they don’t know.
How does this relate to my dating experience?
This week, a guy wrote to me. Now, many guys have grammar and spelling mistakes. This guy’s were a little worse than usual because they’re the kind that auto correct should have fixed (and yes, OKC does put little squiggles under your words that aren’t words).
Some examples: I like going to theateres and watchong drama; I isually like to travel; a person who is gives and recieves.
You’ve seen worse in this blog. Why am I singling out this guy?
Because his first line describing himself is: I am very articulated.
Guy 1: How are you doing today,hope your day is going well?your eyes aren’t just beautiful,they are a gateway to a world that I want to be part of,i really like your smile and you are very attractive,i want to get to know you cos i am on here seeking a serious and long term relationship
Me: Hi, David. Thanks for your message.
While I’m looking for a serious relationship, I’m not looking for marriage or another child–your profile seems to indicate that you want those things.
Guy 1: Yes but we can still get to know each other ,if you don’t mind
Me: I guess I’m just wondering what the point would be–if we’re fundamentally different in what we want from a relationship, why would we start one?
Also, Auburn is far away–I’m not gonna make that drive for dates.
Guy 1: Hello dear,how are you doing today,hope your day is going on well?good to know you are open to making new friends,I’m new to online dating and i would like to know you better,how long have you been on here,what are you seeking on here,what does it take to put a smile on your beautiful face,do you like to kiss,are you a good kisser,do you like wine,hope i didn’t ask too much?
Me: I’m confused by your last message.
My last message indicated I didn’t want to start a relationship, since you’re far away and since we want different things.
Guy 1: sorry about that
Guy 2 is on disability and is on the spectrum. He admits he doesn’t really have friends. He doesn’t like to travel. He games all day. He is specifically looking for a female gamer with a high sex drive.
Me: I’m reluctant to enter into a relationship under those circumstances. I’ve been unhappy in relationships before when my partners weren’t social.
I hope you find the perfect woman for you; best wishes!
Guy 2: What a superficial reason lol
In the last couple of weeks, I’ve also had a bunch of messages that I haven’t responded to. Some are from far away or far enough away to be annoying. Some are conservative (men should be in charge of the household cause the Bible says so). What they all have in common is that they either haven’t read my profile wherein I say what I want and that I expect an actual message instead of a “hi” equivalent OR they’ve read it but still can’t put together an actual message.
Guy 3: How are you?
Guy 4: Hello
Guy 5: Good morning how are you doing
Guy 6: Hello love how you doing
Guy 7: Hello, i’d love to find out more about you…
Guy 8: Hello beautiful
Guy 9: hi beautiful, how are you
Guy 10: Good morning, TGIF 😆, how are you? 🙂
Guy 11: Hi, how are you?
Guy 12: Hi
Guy 12 [10 minutes later]: Hello
It’s been over a year of this crap.
As you can probably predict from my word choice, I’m not enjoying it.
It’s not exciting–it’s exhausting. There are some days when simply checking my messages is another duty in a too long list. It’s hard to work up the extra time and energy for a date most times. And the pickings are slim; sometimes, I am tempted to open my parameters a bit–maybe a guy doesn’t have to be close or maybe I could do the poly thing–but the second I think of driving to Folsom regularly or having to talk about more than one relationship at a time (when I hate relationship talks), I just want to hang a “closed for business” sign around my neck.
When this adventure started, I made a rule: I wasn’t going to choose anyone that I’d have to explain to my friends. My last long term relationship was one of the few I’ve had in which I didn’t have to say “but” constantly–he wasn’t perfect by any means, but there wasn’t anything obviously, unforgivably wrong with him.
It was a wonderful reprieve from years of people whom I could have counseled my own friends to dump if they’d been in my place.
Instituting this rule has made me incredibly picky. And I don’t want to live with someone; I have no burning desire to get married, and I’m done having kids. Since I don’t want to settle down, I have less reason to settle.
On the other hand, for a long time now, I’ve been giving guys lots and lots of chances: going out on a date if I couldn’t find an obvious reason not to, agreeing to a second and third, even if the thought of a second date filled me with that “meh” feeling.
I’ve had that “meh” feeling with almost everyone.
I’ve had that “meh” feeling so much that I was starting to think it was normal–that it was the highest level of enthusiasm I could muster.
There have only been a couple of guys who have inspired more than a “meh.” And some guys have had a “meh” feeling about me. And even on the rare occasion when neither of us are “meh,” other things aren’t working.
But because of the very few, now when I get that “meh” feeling, I remember that I am capable of more, even if most people can’t inspire it in me.
I want more than meh. And I’d like to think I deserve more than meh.
But then we’re back to me being picky.
Even if we discount all the people who are incredibly wrong for me–the smokers, the homophobes, the white supremacists, the conservatives, the baby crazy, the far away lovelorn, the fakers, etc.–so many things have to come together in the Venn Diagram of relationships:
Okay–I just tried to make a Venn Diagram for this, but I could only find software that would make PDF versions–and it would only let me have three circles.
In the interest of getting other stuff done this week, I ask you to please imagine the following in a Venn Diagram:
Similar life desires
Actual readiness for a relationship
If even one of these is missing, the whole thing falls apart.
So, at the start of the summer, where am I? Where I was last year.
Thinking about circles and saying “meh” a lot.
You are too good to be here, why no luck yet? I can feel the passion in your face,so please let this be for me,i can going to be all yours and honest.You can text me now on [xxx xxx xxxx]. Waiting patiently.
It was his profile name that caught my attention, however: whitesociety1
Umm–that means he’s a racist, right?
Slightly less, but still notably, creepy fact about him: in his answers, he says contraception is immoral.
Why no luck yet indeed.
Context: Our match number was in the mid 80s (I usually end up on a date with someone in the 90s). In his answers to OKC questions, he said he wouldn’t be okay with a partner having pictures of her exes or spending time with them. This is the entire conversation, plus what I wanted him to hear.
Him: hey there, pretty girl.. excited about the long weekend? We seem to match pretty high on this site (some topics more then others, lol), wanna put it into a test to see if this site works?
Me: I’m getting caught up on a lot of work this weekend, which is important if not exciting. 🙂
We match up on some things, but from your answers to questions, it looks like you wouldn’t be comfortable with me being friends with exes–that’s a deal breaker for me.
What I wanted him to hear: I DON’T DATE JEALOUS GUYS. IF THAT’S YOU, GO AWAY.
Him: Well, I guess we could cross that bridge when we get there..
Me: Usually, when guys say that, they mean they’ll try to change my mind.
What I wanted him to hear: I’M NOT FALLING FOR THAT. IT’S CALLED A DEAL BREAKER FOR A REASON–IT’S NON-NEGOTIABLE. NO JEALOUS GUYS NEED APPLY.
Him: Is that how you feel? Don’t want to even meet up first?
Me: Not if you would need me to change that part of myself. My friends are very important to me–and some of them are exes. I’m not going to throw their pictures away or cut them out of my life.
In two weeks, I’ll be in London for a conference. While I’m there, I’ll be staying with an ex, whom I was with a decade ago, and his wife. Three summers ago, I was [. . . ] in their wedding.
I believe in being honest with myself and with other people. This is who I am.
So even before we meet, you would have to be accepting of that. I don’t want to waste a lot of time trying to change each other into what we want.
What I wanted him to hear: UNLESS YOU WANT TO CHANGE, FUCK OFF.
He hasn’t answered, so I think he got the subtext on that last one.