I’m judgmental, as you know, dear readers. Countless men have told me so. They use the word mostly when I catch them in lies–about being married, about being a completely different person from their picture, etc.
Are there women who are not prone to judge those who lie to them?
Is this what guys mean when they say they want someone who’s easy going?
Or when they say they want someone without baggage?
(I admit: a lack of baggage (read: experience) would probably make me helpless in the face of the lies and toying around.)
Recently, a guy was flirty and expressed interest in a date. But then said he wouldn’t be free for a couple of weeks. A couple of weeks went by. Mostly silence.
Me: So did you actually want to set up that date sometime?
A couple of days went by.
Me: Okay. Bye, window shopper.
Him: Window shopper? Nice, that’s a little harsh and judgmental
Me: I’m judging based on the evidence I have to go on, yes.
You may have your reasons, but all I got was silence. Any outside observer who looked at this conversation would conclude that you wanted to flirt, but not really go out.
Window shopper is one of the nicer metaphors for that, really.
I hope you find what you’re looking for.
Two guys have been trying to set up dates with me. Both have been annoying because they keep insisting on me going to Sacramento for a first date, leading me to think they’re not really that interested.
Today’s thrilling updates:
I’ve been turning down Guy 1 for a while. I explained to him that I couldn’t see him this weekend because my car is acting up and I don’t want to cross the causeway until I can get it to the shop.
I thought he might propose coming here.
Guy 1: Hi, any car update how about tonight?
Me: I’m not going to be able to make it in to the mechanic until Wednesday.
I’m sensing a great reluctance to come to Davis. 😉
Do you not have a car?
Guy 1: Yea no car these days ..:9
Me: Ah. Wish you’d just told me that in the beginning–I was confused by you asking me out a lot but not seeming willing to cross the causeway for a date.
Now, I’ve gone out on dates with Sacramento guys who didn’t have cars. However, they were upfront about it, rather than skirting the issue until pressed.
Guy 2 has been coming off as strange in a couple of ways–there seems to be an arrogance/control thing, though I could be wrong–there haven’t been all that many messages. He might just seem that way because he only wants to do the minimum to get a date.
At any rate, he kept pushing for Sac, which isn’t always easy for me (and sometimes annoying because if I have a doc appt in Sac during the day, I really don’t want to head back there for a first date, esp for someone who isn’t exactly smooth in his courting).
Guy 2 [a while ago]: When can u come to sac
I thought I should signal my displeasure:
Me: I’m not sure. I’ll be in Sac later this week, but I’ll have my son with me–we’re going to a show.
Neither of us seems too eager/able to make a special trip across the causeway to see the other person.
[Many days pass. Cut to today.]
Guy 2: Hey u. Would u like to meet
Me: I’d meet if you wanted to come to Davis, especially since my car is acting up and I would want to take it to the mechanic before I took it across the causeway. But my impression is that you aren’t keen on heading this way.
And then I postulate to myself that two guys are having the same underlying issue, so I send another message.
Me: Or is it that you don’t have a car?
Guy 2: Lol no i do have a car
I have a bad headache today, but is there some pattern I’m missing?
Perhaps understanding human behavior is futile.
Also, on this headache day, I would like to say I didn’t send a message meant for car Guy 1 to car Guy 2.
I guess we can’t always live our dreams.
Many of you have probably heard of the Dunning-Kruger effect: this is about the relationship between actual knowledge and one’s perception of their knowledge. What’s striking about this relationship is that those who have the least knowledge often believe they have the most.
In other words, they don’t know what they don’t know.
How does this relate to my dating experience?
This week, a guy wrote to me. Now, many guys have grammar and spelling mistakes. This guy’s were a little worse than usual because they’re the kind that auto correct should have fixed (and yes, OKC does put little squiggles under your words that aren’t words).
Some examples: I like going to theateres and watchong drama; I isually like to travel; a person who is gives and recieves.
You’ve seen worse in this blog. Why am I singling out this guy?
Because his first line describing himself is: I am very articulated.
Guy 1: How are you doing today,hope your day is going well?your eyes aren’t just beautiful,they are a gateway to a world that I want to be part of,i really like your smile and you are very attractive,i want to get to know you cos i am on here seeking a serious and long term relationship
Me: Hi, David. Thanks for your message.
While I’m looking for a serious relationship, I’m not looking for marriage or another child–your profile seems to indicate that you want those things.
Guy 1: Yes but we can still get to know each other ,if you don’t mind
Me: I guess I’m just wondering what the point would be–if we’re fundamentally different in what we want from a relationship, why would we start one?
Also, Auburn is far away–I’m not gonna make that drive for dates.
Guy 1: Hello dear,how are you doing today,hope your day is going on well?good to know you are open to making new friends,I’m new to online dating and i would like to know you better,how long have you been on here,what are you seeking on here,what does it take to put a smile on your beautiful face,do you like to kiss,are you a good kisser,do you like wine,hope i didn’t ask too much?
Me: I’m confused by your last message.
My last message indicated I didn’t want to start a relationship, since you’re far away and since we want different things.
Guy 1: sorry about that
Guy 2 is on disability and is on the spectrum. He admits he doesn’t really have friends. He doesn’t like to travel. He games all day. He is specifically looking for a female gamer with a high sex drive.
Me: I’m reluctant to enter into a relationship under those circumstances. I’ve been unhappy in relationships before when my partners weren’t social.
I hope you find the perfect woman for you; best wishes!
Guy 2: What a superficial reason lol
In the last couple of weeks, I’ve also had a bunch of messages that I haven’t responded to. Some are from far away or far enough away to be annoying. Some are conservative (men should be in charge of the household cause the Bible says so). What they all have in common is that they either haven’t read my profile wherein I say what I want and that I expect an actual message instead of a “hi” equivalent OR they’ve read it but still can’t put together an actual message.
Guy 3: How are you?
Guy 4: Hello
Guy 5: Good morning how are you doing
Guy 6: Hello love how you doing
Guy 7: Hello, i’d love to find out more about you…
Guy 8: Hello beautiful
Guy 9: hi beautiful, how are you
Guy 10: Good morning, TGIF 😆, how are you? 🙂
Guy 11: Hi, how are you?
Guy 12: Hi
Guy 12 [10 minutes later]: Hello
It’s been over a year of this crap.
As you can probably predict from my word choice, I’m not enjoying it.
It’s not exciting–it’s exhausting. There are some days when simply checking my messages is another duty in a too long list. It’s hard to work up the extra time and energy for a date most times. And the pickings are slim; sometimes, I am tempted to open my parameters a bit–maybe a guy doesn’t have to be close or maybe I could do the poly thing–but the second I think of driving to Folsom regularly or having to talk about more than one relationship at a time (when I hate relationship talks), I just want to hang a “closed for business” sign around my neck.
When this adventure started, I made a rule: I wasn’t going to choose anyone that I’d have to explain to my friends. My last long term relationship was one of the few I’ve had in which I didn’t have to say “but” constantly–he wasn’t perfect by any means, but there wasn’t anything obviously, unforgivably wrong with him.
It was a wonderful reprieve from years of people whom I could have counseled my own friends to dump if they’d been in my place.
Instituting this rule has made me incredibly picky. And I don’t want to live with someone; I have no burning desire to get married, and I’m done having kids. Since I don’t want to settle down, I have less reason to settle.
On the other hand, for a long time now, I’ve been giving guys lots and lots of chances: going out on a date if I couldn’t find an obvious reason not to, agreeing to a second and third, even if the thought of a second date filled me with that “meh” feeling.
I’ve had that “meh” feeling with almost everyone.
I’ve had that “meh” feeling so much that I was starting to think it was normal–that it was the highest level of enthusiasm I could muster.
There have only been a couple of guys who have inspired more than a “meh.” And some guys have had a “meh” feeling about me. And even on the rare occasion when neither of us are “meh,” other things aren’t working.
But because of the very few, now when I get that “meh” feeling, I remember that I am capable of more, even if most people can’t inspire it in me.
I want more than meh. And I’d like to think I deserve more than meh.
But then we’re back to me being picky.
Even if we discount all the people who are incredibly wrong for me–the smokers, the homophobes, the white supremacists, the conservatives, the baby crazy, the far away lovelorn, the fakers, etc.–so many things have to come together in the Venn Diagram of relationships:
Okay–I just tried to make a Venn Diagram for this, but I could only find software that would make PDF versions–and it would only let me have three circles.
In the interest of getting other stuff done this week, I ask you to please imagine the following in a Venn Diagram:
Similar life desires
Actual readiness for a relationship
If even one of these is missing, the whole thing falls apart.
So, at the start of the summer, where am I? Where I was last year.
Thinking about circles and saying “meh” a lot.
You are too good to be here, why no luck yet? I can feel the passion in your face,so please let this be for me,i can going to be all yours and honest.You can text me now on [xxx xxx xxxx]. Waiting patiently.
It was his profile name that caught my attention, however: whitesociety1
Umm–that means he’s a racist, right?
Slightly less, but still notably, creepy fact about him: in his answers, he says contraception is immoral.
Why no luck yet indeed.
Context: Our match number was in the mid 80s (I usually end up on a date with someone in the 90s). In his answers to OKC questions, he said he wouldn’t be okay with a partner having pictures of her exes or spending time with them. This is the entire conversation, plus what I wanted him to hear.
Him: hey there, pretty girl.. excited about the long weekend? We seem to match pretty high on this site (some topics more then others, lol), wanna put it into a test to see if this site works?
Me: I’m getting caught up on a lot of work this weekend, which is important if not exciting. 🙂
We match up on some things, but from your answers to questions, it looks like you wouldn’t be comfortable with me being friends with exes–that’s a deal breaker for me.
What I wanted him to hear: I DON’T DATE JEALOUS GUYS. IF THAT’S YOU, GO AWAY.
Him: Well, I guess we could cross that bridge when we get there..
Me: Usually, when guys say that, they mean they’ll try to change my mind.
What I wanted him to hear: I’M NOT FALLING FOR THAT. IT’S CALLED A DEAL BREAKER FOR A REASON–IT’S NON-NEGOTIABLE. NO JEALOUS GUYS NEED APPLY.
Him: Is that how you feel? Don’t want to even meet up first?
Me: Not if you would need me to change that part of myself. My friends are very important to me–and some of them are exes. I’m not going to throw their pictures away or cut them out of my life.
In two weeks, I’ll be in London for a conference. While I’m there, I’ll be staying with an ex, whom I was with a decade ago, and his wife. Three summers ago, I was [. . . ] in their wedding.
I believe in being honest with myself and with other people. This is who I am.
So even before we meet, you would have to be accepting of that. I don’t want to waste a lot of time trying to change each other into what we want.
What I wanted him to hear: UNLESS YOU WANT TO CHANGE, FUCK OFF.
He hasn’t answered, so I think he got the subtext on that last one.
There weren’t as many dick pics as I thought there were going to be.
As some of you may remember, several months ago, OK Cupid asked me to be a “moderator” on their site. Users can “flag” photos, profiles, and messages. Several moderators make recommendations. I’m not sure what happens after that–whether the majority vote trips an algorithm or whether a professional moderator makes the final call.
I was ambivalent about doing this. It is, after all, unpaid labor. I would have been a lot more willing if OKC had offered to upgrade my membership for providing this service.
On the other hand, I was curious.
So for a couple of weeks, I looked at flagged items. I wasn’t asked to weigh in on messages, though they were what I was most curious about. (Just last week, someone with a blank profile sent me this lovely message: “u ready for my guuuuuuu?”)
Instead, I was mostly asked to look at pictures.
Several members do violate policy–dick pics are not allowed, neither are pics with nipples or labia. A pic of a mostly naked person, however, as long as it doesn’t include those three things, is allowed (and there are lots of both the disallowed and allowed forms of nudity).
Members are supposed to put up pictures of themselves–the two violation types here are pics of nonhumans (a dog, an inspirational quote, a sunset, etc.) and pics that clearly aren’t the user. In that second type, most people post pictures of models or porn stars. However, some users post a picture that could be them–it’s just that someone believes it isn’t, since they could find that picture on the internet. In those cases, I remind my fellow moderators not to jump to conclusions–my pictures can be found both on google and on OKC.
Extreme close ups are also banned–a close up of your tramp stamp, your right eye, etc.
However, many people flag pictures that shouldn’t be flagged. It’s not forbidden to include another person, even a child, in your photo. Many dads do the latter–it’s easy to see why–they want to emphasize their fatherhood AND guys usually don’t have any pictures of themselves unless another person’s in them.
Another piece of confusion: some believe that the photo must include the user’s face. Although an extreme close up of your elbow is not allowed, you are allowed to post a picture of yourself facing that cliche sunset picture, facing away from the camera.
So what have I learned?
1. Women put up some very explicit photos too.
2. I generally hate it when people put up pictures that don’t have them in it–your Ghandi quote does not make me like you. However, I find the pictures of guns and confederate flags extremely helpful–they do tell me a lot about you.
3. Many, many people are fakes–that picture isn’t of them. I’m not sure what they’re after, but they’re inherently annoying.
4. There are many, many other people who apparently do a google image search of every picture they see, so they can report you. Beware.
At any rate, my curiosity is sated enough, and I’m generally bored enough, to stop doing this.
I’m fairly certain that the men who message me grew up on Looney Tunes, as I did.
I’m now fairly certain that many of those men learned the wrong lessons, especially a lesson about taking no for an answer. In the world of Pepe Le Pew, no doesn’t exist. Penelope (the cat) makes her position clear. Pepe doesn’t listen. And sometimes, he wins.
I have a vivid memory of catching one of the cartoons as my son watched, years ago. Pepe chased Penelope. She was running for her life. She ran into a cave–an ice cave. The last shot of her showed her terrified face, reflected in the ice shards, as she realized she was trapped. Pepe rolled a boulder in front of the entrance and hung a “Do Not Disturb” sign.
For a couple of days, I’ve been nicely explaining that I don’t want a long distance relationship. In fact, this is the only conversation I’ve had with the gentleman in question. He complimented me. I thanked him. He said he wanted to talk more. I said I didn’t want to pursue anything, since he was far away. We exchanged this information several more times–him saying he wanted to talk, me saying I didn’t. (I’m also inherently not interested–his profile is generic and he hasn’t really answered OKC’s questions). This is the end of the conversation:
Picture Pepe bouncing after me; a French accent may even help some of the grammar/writing problems:
Him: But I do you think I’m suppose to find that’s perfect woman, if not by getting so close with me woman that my spirit tells me much about.
Him: I don’t care about the distance, because I can’t get my eyes of you.
Him: You are a good looking woman, if you don’t really believe in long distance relationship, why don’t you give it a try.. And what about talking and texting you on phone?
[That last one confuses me, causing me to stumble. So because I’m pretty, I have to do something I don’t believe in? I pick myself up, keep running, calling this out.]
Me: I’ve done long distance before; it’s not what I want for my life. And I don’t want to spend all day talking and texting on the phone for a relationship I don’t want to pursue. […] Look–you don’t know anything about me, really. You just seem to be attracted to me based on my looks.
Him: Yea I know I don’t really know you, but I know it only takes a day to know someone and be close friends.. You are attracted to me by your looks yea.. And that makes you a woman and I’m proud saying you are attracted to me and I’m interested in you. I’m the the kind of in-person that likes meeting someone that is been attracted to me, and that who my spirit accept as a woman. My spirit tells me you are a good looking pretty woman. I follow what my spirit tells me, I just wish things will work out between us, I’m going to make you proud and you will never regret having an meeting me. I’m not ask you of that forcefully, take your and think about it.
[His spirit tells him what? And when did I say I was attracted to him?]
[I raise the mallet.] Le sigh.
So many men say on their profiles that they’re just looking for someone who loves them for them.
I know where that feeling comes from–they’ve been asked or expected to change before–finding out too late that love came with conditions.
I’ve been asked/expected to change
into a Canadian
into a blood letting dom
into someone “laid back” instead of driven and alert
into a good Christian woman
into a stepmother
into a trophy wife
into a dog person
into a woman with more than one child
into a biker babe
into a sports fan
and so many other things.
Naturally, these guys haven’t gotten what they wanted, since any hope of change has to come from a desire to change.
There are some attractive, interesting guys out there, but there’s usually something that keeps me from messaging them–it’s that I would need them to change.
If a guy smokes, I don’t tell him to stop; I just don’t tell him anything at all.
It’s the same with guys who want kids, guys who want someone really thin, guys who want someone who’s up for a spontaneous hiking/fishing/camping trips all the time, guys who need someone to watch sports with them . . .
There are also a lot of guys I’m not tempted to message because, and let’s be brutally honest here, they would have to change into someone who can come across as interesting in a dating profile, but most guys are desperately normal, with interchangeable, instantly forgettable profiles.
I’m really tired of guys who want me to change–especially when a major change would have to occur for a first date to happen.
In addition to the changes listed above, there are lots of guys who would like me to change into someone who wants to be poly, or who wants “no strings” sex, or who will be thrilled to enter into an adulterous relationship, or who is open to long distance, or a combination of the above.
The oddest (to me) request I get, though, is the frequent request for friendship. Dating sites generally allow you to say what you’re looking for: casual, long term, new friends, etc.
I am very clear that I’m looking for a long term relationship.
Some men, when I tell them I won’t date them because of x or y, will ask to be friends. I get it: they’re lonely, but I’m so not. My friends are wonderful and plentiful. Between them and my workaholism, I am never, ever bored, never wondering what I’m going to do for any given stretch of time.
And then there are conversations like this recent one:
Him: Hello there. I love your smile. Maybe we could be friends?? hope to hear back from you..
Me: “Friends” always seems like a weird word to me on dating sites. Some guys use it to mean they want dating with no strings (and of course there shouldn’t be strings at first, but they mean ever). Some guys use the word to mean sex without even dating. Some guys are lonely and need someone to watch tv with. I’m not bored or lonely–I have a vibrant groups of friends. What’s your definition?
Him: I hadn’t really thought about it. I guess this might paint a better picture: I don’t really have time to “date”, just hoping to find someone who wants to hang and watch stupid tv shows and fool around sometimes NSA. If something more develops, fantastic. But it’s hard with 2 little guys and 50/50 custody to really get into anything serious right away. So I guess it sounds like I’m being a typical male pig but it’s more necessitated by my lack of pure free time
He’s not a pig, of course, for wanting what he wants. But I’m clear in what I want–and it’s not a bad tv companion whom you get to fuck sometimes.
There are Japanese sex dolls for that, right?