I’m judgmental, as you know, dear readers. Countless men have told me so. They use the word mostly when I catch them in lies–about being married, about being a completely different person from their picture, etc.
Are there women who are not prone to judge those who lie to them?
Is this what guys mean when they say they want someone who’s easy going?
Or when they say they want someone without baggage?
(I admit: a lack of baggage (read: experience) would probably make me helpless in the face of the lies and toying around.)
Recently, a guy was flirty and expressed interest in a date. But then said he wouldn’t be free for a couple of weeks. A couple of weeks went by. Mostly silence.
Me: So did you actually want to set up that date sometime?
A couple of days went by.
Me: Okay. Bye, window shopper.
Him: Window shopper? Nice, that’s a little harsh and judgmental
Me: I’m judging based on the evidence I have to go on, yes.
You may have your reasons, but all I got was silence. Any outside observer who looked at this conversation would conclude that you wanted to flirt, but not really go out.
Window shopper is one of the nicer metaphors for that, really.
I hope you find what you’re looking for.
Two guys in two days with the same problem.
Both guys have the bare minimum on their profile, haven’t answered OKC questions, etc, and thus have not met the basic requirements (which you, my loyal readers, urge me to maintain).
Guy 1: Hola mami u look great
[Several hours later]
Guy 1: How come u didnt say hi
Me: As my profile says, “I’m only likely to answer if you’ve answered plenty of OKC’s questions (I don’t want to have to ask you if you’re jealous, if you’re homophobic, if you don’t believe in dinosaurs, etc. when OKC can ask you for me), if you have a picture, if you’ve said more than just “hi”/”good morning”/etc. in your message, and if you’ve filled out your profile with more than “ask me” or the equivalent.”
Guy 1: Ur taking life way too serious
Me: If you think so, then we’re obviously not a good fit.
I hope you find someone carefree and that you have a great day!
Guy 1: Uptite
Wats ur name im [his name here]
Guy 2: Hello.
Guy 2: Hmm
Really? Is it really a hmm-level mystery why I didn’t answer?
This entire conversation was awful, but see if you can spot the line that most made me go, “eww . . . what?! . . . eww!”
Him: Did you cry when Trump won?
Me: Yes. Many times. What about you?
Him: It didn’t really matter to me which pig got voted into the farm house.
[I decide not to answer. Two days later.]
Him: Feel like wine and a movie tonight?
Me: No, thanks.
I have to confess: I’m very sensitive about the election. I know too many people who are a lot more vulnerable right now. Thus, the pig reference just didn’t sit well with me.
I hope you find someone more carefree and that you have a great evening!
Him: You don’t see Animal Farm going on before your eyes?
Me: I think a lot of absurd things happen in politics, but I don’t at all think Clinton as President vs. Trump as President is any kind of equal threat to me, to the environment, to my students, etc.
Him: Keep thinking that. But in the meantime, there’s this warm man over here who would like to pur his arms around you if you change your mind.
Me: I’m not going to change my mind. I cried with the trans student I mentor after the election. I’m working with my department to take action to protect our muslim students and our dreamers. I’m fighting for my students to have access to birth control and abortions. I’m fighting for free speech and scientific literacy. A few years ago, I moved my disabled aunt to California so she could get access to care because she was literally dying in a Republican state that rejected the part of Obamacare that would cover her. I could go on, but I’ve got way too many papers to grade today.
Look, I’m sure you’re a decent person, but you’re not the person for me. And I’m not at all desperate, so I don’t have to settle for just a warm body. 🙂
I hope you find someone beautifully suited to you and wish you all the best.
Him: Ok, good luck to you too
[Eight days later]
Him: Surprised you haven’t left the country yet
Me: It’s not going to get fixed that way.
Him: Ok, so you’re going to fix it?
Me: Are you meaning to be hostile right now? Since I don’t know you, I’m not sure how to read this conversation.
Him: Nope…remember, I’m an INTJ [he’d mentioned that in his profile, and was counting on me to have assigned meaning to it]
[I decide not to answer. Several hours go by. This next one gets sent in the middle of the night:]
Him: I want you to connect and bond with me.
Me: I’m not interested in that.
Him: That’s really unfortunatw
Okay, reader. You saw the whole thing. Which part icked you out most?
A 37 year old guy from Illinois (Rock Island, where a couple of my friends live) tried to strike up something with me. This is the full conversation.
Him: Sorry to say are you really 41?
Me: Yup. Why would I lie about that?
Him: You dont look it a bit?
Could u date someone younger?
Me: You’re only a couple of years younger than I am–that’s not why we can’t date. We can’t date because you’re in Rock Island and we aren’t compatible in what we want and what’s important to us.
can u make it more clear
Me: Have you looked at our compatibility and our questions? Your questions say you’re looking for someone to have children with–I’m not having another child. You think jealousy is healthy in a relationship–I don’t date jealous people (especially jealous people with guns). Your profile says your Christianity is important to you–it doesn’t make any sense to partner with an atheist.
Him: Hmmm okay
Two guys have been trying to set up dates with me. Both have been annoying because they keep insisting on me going to Sacramento for a first date, leading me to think they’re not really that interested.
Today’s thrilling updates:
I’ve been turning down Guy 1 for a while. I explained to him that I couldn’t see him this weekend because my car is acting up and I don’t want to cross the causeway until I can get it to the shop.
I thought he might propose coming here.
Guy 1: Hi, any car update how about tonight?
Me: I’m not going to be able to make it in to the mechanic until Wednesday.
I’m sensing a great reluctance to come to Davis. 😉
Do you not have a car?
Guy 1: Yea no car these days ..:9
Me: Ah. Wish you’d just told me that in the beginning–I was confused by you asking me out a lot but not seeming willing to cross the causeway for a date.
Now, I’ve gone out on dates with Sacramento guys who didn’t have cars. However, they were upfront about it, rather than skirting the issue until pressed.
Guy 2 has been coming off as strange in a couple of ways–there seems to be an arrogance/control thing, though I could be wrong–there haven’t been all that many messages. He might just seem that way because he only wants to do the minimum to get a date.
At any rate, he kept pushing for Sac, which isn’t always easy for me (and sometimes annoying because if I have a doc appt in Sac during the day, I really don’t want to head back there for a first date, esp for someone who isn’t exactly smooth in his courting).
Guy 2 [a while ago]: When can u come to sac
I thought I should signal my displeasure:
Me: I’m not sure. I’ll be in Sac later this week, but I’ll have my son with me–we’re going to a show.
Neither of us seems too eager/able to make a special trip across the causeway to see the other person.
[Many days pass. Cut to today.]
Guy 2: Hey u. Would u like to meet
Me: I’d meet if you wanted to come to Davis, especially since my car is acting up and I would want to take it to the mechanic before I took it across the causeway. But my impression is that you aren’t keen on heading this way.
And then I postulate to myself that two guys are having the same underlying issue, so I send another message.
Me: Or is it that you don’t have a car?
Guy 2: Lol no i do have a car
I have a bad headache today, but is there some pattern I’m missing?
Perhaps understanding human behavior is futile.
Also, on this headache day, I would like to say I didn’t send a message meant for car Guy 1 to car Guy 2.
I guess we can’t always live our dreams.
Recently, a guy struck up a conversation with me on OKC. He then mentioned he was going to try Zoosk.
I pointed him to my column on how much that site sucks.
A few days later, I got this:
I had a few strange responses on Zoosk, so I read your blog, which may be the first blog I’ve actually completed. I had no idea you speak Spanish ( que bueno). Yeah guys suck at chatting, and we are from mars. I have said or chatted “how was your day”, simply because I’m lazy, and most likely will never receive a reply.
Well back to my situation, I had two responses that were almost identical.
“I’m really busy now packing”. I’m thinking “So”, packing isn’t a 24/7 job.
Maybe something is fishy with Zoosk.
30 bucks down but not the end of the world.
[his name here]
For a guy to even write more than 2 words is an honest attempt at communication.
I wrote a long answer about how he and other men were causing their own problem–we don’t answer, because they’re lazy. They justify being lazy cause we don’t answer.
(I didn’t bother with the Mars bullshit. I don’t think men are incapable of writing a profile of a message or that all women are master communicators, but it didn’t seem worthwhile to enter into that particular debate here.)
I’d say for the most part, picture is all I look at, and attraction dictates effort. Second thing I look at is body type. Then determine how old the pictures could be. If the profile is too long, I just skip it. I have no desire to be a therapist.
I’ve never seen a long profile and thought a guy wanted free therapy, but then again, I have read more than one blog post in its entirety.
This only strengthens my prejudice against those lazy messages. And now this guy’s conversation with me is over. Sigh.
Back in the saddle.
So I disabled my profile for Fall quarter, due to a combination of being crazy busy, continually leaving the country, and thinking I might have found someone (I did–someone great, just not someone who could work out long term).
My profile is back up, and the adventure continues.
A guy: How’s your week going? Did you recover from the holidays?
Those eyes and smile are stunning
Me: Your profile says you’re seeing someone, your picture has a wedding ring in it, and you aren’t showing your face.
So you’re not single, right?
A guy: I am not single but not marrie[d]
Me: I’m looking for a long-term partner, not to be someone’s secret.
A guy: Ok. Hope you have a good day
And that’s been about the best of it . . . Sigh.
Every day, I get an email about who’s been trying to hack this site. Specifically, I am alerted when a distinct IP gets blocked after 20 failed attempts to log on. Usually, these IPs are registered in other countries, but someone in Kansas wants in too.
There are also a lot of spam comments. Hundreds are blocked every day. Some are just ads. Some are in completely different languages. And some pose as real comments, with compliments on content (though never specific)–I think they’re hoping that if a comment gets approved, they’ll have unrestricted access to the comment section from then on.
I’m not alerted to all this spam–my program only shows me actual comments and what might be actual comments so I can choose to approve them.
This week, this spam comment came through for approval on this entry:
What i do not understood is if truth be told how you’re no longer actually much more well-favored than you may be right now.
You are very intelligent. You know thus considerably relating to this subject, produced me individually consider it from
a lot of numerous angles. Its like men and women aren’t involved until it’s
something to do with Lady gaga! Your individual stuffs nice.
All the time handle it up!
Obviously spam, right?
Actually, I can’t blame the program. Have you seen what real guys write to me on dating sites? The readability level is basically the same. 😉
Last summer, before I headed to Iceland, I went on a lot of dates with a poly guy. Let’s call him P.
I have many poly friends, and I’ve been curious about it before–most notably, though, when certain important needs aren’t being met with a partner.
When I first went on OKC again, in early 2015, I decided to be open to the possiblity. I had three dates with one guy (not P) pretty early–but his wife didn’t like me–and something kept nagging at me about him. I realized, on that third date, what it was–I had never heard him actually laugh. Instead, he made another sound–that derisive snort about people he didn’t like.
So that wasn’t going to work, but I was still open to poly.
And, thus, I agreed to a date with P last summer. He was charismatic. He explained his situation: after his wife’s successful cancer treatment, her sex drive died. She refused to go to the doctor, and told him to get used to it. He proposed a compromise: that he could have a girlfriend or two. They spent a couple of years building trust that he wouldn’t leave her for one of them.
It was perfectly understandable. It also sounded functional.
It only took another couple of dates, however, for problems to arise. Our conversations were always about these relationships–and I didn’t like what was happening with the other girlfriend–she was younger, only dating him, wanting, desperately, to marry him and have children with him. He knew this. At one point, while he and I were dating (I think this was the catalyst–him trying to have a relationship with me proved he wasn’t going to leave his wife and become monogamous), she decided she wanted something more traditional. So she started an online profile. However, she posed as single while she was still in a relationship with P. And she could thus decide that each guy who messaged her was nothing compared to P. I told P she just wanted him to get jealous–to whisk her away to normality–that he was standing in her way. He agreed, but wouldn’t do what she couldn’t: end it.
The larger problem, though, was the almost immediate pressure to redefine myself.
After about a week, he thought I should change my status from single to “open relationship,” to announce to every other man I was talking to that I had a boyfriend.
I told him to slow down–that even if it were just the two of us, I wouldn’t want to stop everything and commit after a week.
And then I had to keep begging him to slow down, because that pressure never let up.
In additional to pushing me away, it made me think–fast–about what I wanted, and ultimately to decide that poly–at least his kind–isn’t for me, for several reasons.
The nail in the coffin, though, was a conversation P and I had before I left for Iceland.
Me: What if I meet a guy named Sven, and I want to fuck him?
P: You wouldn’t, would you?
Me: I’m not going to go looking for someone, but say I did.
P: But you can’t!
Me: Why not?
P: Because that’s not how this works–you can have boyfriends, but you can’t just fuck around!
[We argue about safety–he wants a “closed system,” which I argue is never really closed, because it counts too much on other people. He had once dated a woman who had 8 boyfriends–did he really think no one in the extended circle had one-offs?]
Me: So I’m supposed to tell a guy that I want to fuck that I’m not allowed to, because I’ve been dating another guy for two weeks? Even though I haven’t made a commitment to him? And even though that guy is probably fucking someone else in that moment?
Him: It has to be closed–that’s the kind of poly I am.
Me: Well, I’m not poly yet. And how do we know what kind of poly I would be?
Many of you have probably heard of the Dunning-Kruger effect: this is about the relationship between actual knowledge and one’s perception of their knowledge. What’s striking about this relationship is that those who have the least knowledge often believe they have the most.
In other words, they don’t know what they don’t know.
How does this relate to my dating experience?
This week, a guy wrote to me. Now, many guys have grammar and spelling mistakes. This guy’s were a little worse than usual because they’re the kind that auto correct should have fixed (and yes, OKC does put little squiggles under your words that aren’t words).
Some examples: I like going to theateres and watchong drama; I isually like to travel; a person who is gives and recieves.
You’ve seen worse in this blog. Why am I singling out this guy?
Because his first line describing himself is: I am very articulated.