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The Continuing Adventures of Karma’s OnLine Dating: Entry 55
Mar 18th, 2017 by Dr Karma

Today, I made my first meme. I have a short entry from my experiment in calling guys on not reading my profile that inspired it.

“toomacho”: Hi.

Me: I don’t think you read my profile before writing. 🙁

toomacho: Why?

toomacho: I’m too lazy for that

 

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The Continuing Adventures of Karma’s OnLine Dating: Entry 54
Mar 8th, 2017 by Dr Karma

So a couple of weeks ago, I did an experiment–I called guys on not reading my profile.

The first result (and a reminder of what my profile says) is here.

Guy Two uses 11 words to describe himself on his profile. I couldn’t read his answers to questions, but OKC tells me he’s 40% incompatible with me, based on what I care about.

Him: Hi.. how s it going You are beautiful, I hope we can be friends

Me: I’m looking for a partner, not just a friend. But thank you for the compliment; it was nice to wake up to! 🙂 Have a great day!

Him: Morning .. everything starts with friendship ​

I would like to take you out

Me: Things do start with friendship, but your profile says friendship is what you’re looking for–not long-term dating. It also says you want kids. I’m not having any more of those.

Him: I am still learning how to use this dating site. Yes I want relationship with my compatible person. Kids depend on my partner ​

Me: Did you “lock” almost all of your questions? I can only see your answers to two of them.

Him: No​

Wasn’t comfortable to put my info in my profile

Me: I’m confused then–the site says you’ve answered forty questions, but I can only see your answers to two. It is telling me that, based on your answers, we’re not a good match.

Him: You can ask any question you want ​

Me: If you read my profile all the way through, you’ll know I hate it when guys say that. 🙂

Him: My bad

Me: I’m on OKC instead of other sites so I don’t have to play 20 questions to figure out basic compatibility. Can you see all of my answers?

Him: I didn’t read yet

And then maybe he did–cause that was the (always inevitable) end.​

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The Continuing Adventure’s of Karma’s OnLine Dating: Entry 53
Feb 28th, 2017 by Dr Karma

I decided to do an experiment.

The first sentence in my profile is Please read the “You should message me if” section before messaging.

The You Should Message Me If part says, . . . you are liberal (especially socially), smart, sexy, secure in yourself, funny, appreciative of smart and funny women, and a nonsmoker. No long distance, please. (If you’re a difficult/long drive away, it’s not gonna happen.)

This site isn’t connected to my phone, so I’m not really available to chat; instead, I come online once or twice a day to read and answer messages. So tell me something about yourself or ask me a question or tell me a dating horror story–I love those. If we find we have things to talk about, we’ll set up a meet. (If you’re the type of guy who needs to text a girl every three minutes and have her text you back right away, I’m probably not the girl for you.)

I’m only likely to answer if you’ve answered plenty of OKC’s questions (I don’t want to have to ask you if you’re jealous, if you’re homophobic, if you don’t believe in dinosaurs, etc. when OKC can ask you for me), if you have a picture, if you’ve said more than just “hi”/”good morning”/etc. in your message, and if you’ve filled out your profile with more than “ask me” or the equivalent.

The experiment: for a day, call people on obviously not reading.

Man 1 only said this on his profile: A loving and caring man.

He had answered 25 questions. Based on that, we are 35% NOT suited for each other.

Him: hello,how are you doing?

Me: I don’t think you read my profile.

Him: lol

what makes you think that way

Me: Because I don’t think you’ve read the “message me if” part at all–you’re basically doing everything I said not to do.

Him: funny

Me: Not trying to be–just being honest. Anyway, I hope you find what you’re looking for. Have a good night.

 

More results of the experiment to follow.

 

 

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Yes, Milo, Free Speech Matters
Feb 23rd, 2017 by Dr Karma

Last Friday, on Real Time, Milo Yiannopoulos held himself up as a great defender of free speech, while minimizing the effects speech has.

He admitted that he got off on people’s reactions to his trolling and abusive comments, trying to get all three panelists at the end (on Overtime) to tell him to go fuck himself (Larry Wilmore got it started after Milo responded to an attempt at honest debate by saying “you [Maher] always invite such awful people on your show; they’re so stupid”).

Milo said he “hurt[s] people for a reason” and that he’s “a virtuous troll,” in between insulting female comedians and actors (Lena Dunham, Leslie Jones, etc.). He never said what the “reason” or “virtue” might be in such attacks, but he attempted to claim at one point that he actually builds bridges with his “jokes.”

Perhaps the strangest thing he said, however, was “Mean words on the internet don’t hurt anyone.” Milo then said that what he does isn’t harmful in any way, compared it to physical instances of abuse. Maher mentioned that some believe speech provokes action. Milo’s response was that those of us who believe so “would be idiots.”

There’s a reason why one form of speech that’s not protected is speech that incites violence. There’s a reason why we have laws against slander (and some against certain forms of lying).

But setting that aside, the claim that “mean words on the internet don’t hurt anyone” is insane. Luckily, I’m not famous, so I don’t get trolled very often; however, I’ve been hurt by things people have said on the internet.

And I know lots of other people have been too.

The first lady said she wants to work against teen cyberbullying–because mean words hurt.

Young people sometimes commit suicide–because mean words hurt.

I know women who are scared by rape and death threats–because mean words hurt.

Lindy West had a man pose on Twitter as her dead father to verbally abuse her. Guess what? Those mean words hurt.

I was planning to write about this before Yiannopoulos’s words finally got him in trouble with conservatives this week. There are so many more layers now, so much irony. It’s so fitting that the knee-jerk reaction to “please think of the children” is biting him in the ass after he used it against trans people.

It’s ironic that all the conservatives who said Milo should be allowed to talk have pulled him from their editorial boards and conventions.

It’s sad that they weren’t bothered by any of his racist, sexist, transphobic, white supremacist bullshit.

Yiannopoulos, for maybe the first time, apologized (partially).

“I’m partly to blame. My own experiences as a victim led me to believe I could say anything I wanted to on this subject, no matter how outrageous. But I understand that my usual blend of British sarcasm, provocation and gallows humor might have come across as flippancy, a lack of care for other victims or, worse, ‘advocacy.’ I deeply regret that. People deal with things from their past in different ways.”

He seems obtuse and stubborn, so I don’t know if he’ll get the lesson:

Words matter. Words can hurt.

That’s why free speech is important–because, as Margaret Atwood once said, “a word after a word after a word is power.”

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The Continuing Adventures of Karma’s OnLine Dating: Entry 52
Feb 12th, 2017 by Dr Karma

I’m judgmental, as you know, dear readers. Countless men have told me so. They use the word mostly when I catch them in lies–about being married, about being a completely different person from their picture, etc.

Are there women who are not prone to judge those who lie to them?

Is this what guys mean when they say they want someone who’s easy going?

Or when they say they want someone without baggage?

(I admit: a lack of baggage (read: experience) would probably make me helpless in the face of the lies and toying around.)

Recently, a guy was flirty and expressed interest in a date. But then said he wouldn’t be free for a couple of weeks. A couple of weeks went by. Mostly silence.

Me: So did you actually want to set up that date sometime?

A couple of days went by.

Me: Okay. Bye, window shopper.

Him: Window shopper? Nice, that’s a little harsh and judgmental

Me: I’m judging based on the evidence I have to go on, yes.
You may have your reasons, but all I got was silence. Any outside observer who looked at this conversation would conclude that you wanted to flirt, but not really go out.
Window shopper is one of the nicer metaphors for that, really.
I hope you find what you’re looking for.

 

 

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The Continuing Adventures of Karma’s OnLine Dating: Entry 51
Feb 1st, 2017 by Dr Karma

Two guys in two days with the same problem.

Both guys have the bare minimum on their profile, haven’t answered OKC questions, etc, and thus have not met the basic requirements (which you, my loyal readers, urge me to maintain).

Guy 1: Hola mami u look great 

[Several hours later]

Guy 1: How come u didnt say hi 

Me: As my profile says, “I’m only likely to answer if you’ve answered plenty of OKC’s questions (I don’t want to have to ask you if you’re jealous, if you’re homophobic, if you don’t believe in dinosaurs, etc. when OKC can ask you for me), if you have a picture, if you’ve said more than just “hi”/”good morning”/etc. in your message, and if you’ve filled out your profile with more than “ask me” or the equivalent.” 

Guy 1: Ur taking life way too serious 

Me: If you think so, then we’re obviously not a good fit.
I hope you find someone carefree and that you have a great day! 

🙂

Guy 1: Uptite 

Wats ur name im [his name here]

WTF?

 

 

Guy 2: Hello.

[later]

Guy 2: Hmm

Really? Is it really a hmm-level mystery why I didn’t answer?

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Want to Actually Lower the Abortion Rate? Shred Your Script
Jan 28th, 2017 by Dr Karma

I had a nightmare last night.

I was back at my estranged ex-stepfather’s house on Bayou Tejar, which was flooding. A young woman (a student, maybe) asked me to read and comment on her script–it was a trick–it was actually a thinly veiled attempt to convince me to be pro-life. All the while, the bayou water rose–it was all the way up to the second floor, where we were, but the young woman didn’t notice.

Luckily, my PhD in lit trained me well for moments like this: the symbolism isn’t hard to decode. Most pro-life people don’t pay attention to the problems that threaten life–even unborn life. They’re too busy sticking to their script.

(The stepfather’s house thing is separate symbolism–most of my bad dreams are set there. However, I was living in that house when my town became a centerpiece in the abortion debate–when a pro-life terrorist shot an abortion provider in the back, when my friend’s father got death threats for publicly saying one can’t murder in the name of life, when my mother refused to let me wear a pro-choice shirt because she was afraid I would be attacked.)

Yesterday, the VP spoke at a pro-life rally. The pro-lifers will be marching against Planned Parenthood on 2/11. (I organized and will be performing at a benefit for Planned Parenthood that night.)

All this bullshit always reminds me of a conversation I had in 2000. I was in car full of medical students on the way to a water park (in Florida). One guy was new–an extern. Someone asked whom he was voting for.

Extern: I don’t know yet. My parents’ church gives us a list of people to vote for, based on who’s pro-life. I just use that list.

There was silence. Everyone else in the car was pro-choice.

I thought: they have to work with him. I don’t.

I asked him what he hoped to accomplish by voting that way.

Extern: We want to ban abortion, obviously.

Me: You’ve taken a medical history class by now. What happens, historically, when abortion is banned, to the abortion rate?

Extern [sheepishly]: It goes up.

Me: Everyone else here is pro-choice. Would it surprise you to know everyone here wants the abortion rate to go down?

Extern: Yes!

Remaining calm, I explained that we all wished it never had to happen. But that we all knew it always would–at some rate–but that we wanted it to be very rare. And that we were doing a lot to make sure the rate went down–by advocating for comprehensive sex education, by advocating for access to birth control, by advocating for girls’ access to education.

All those things actually lower the abortion rate.

What that young extern wanted to do–what yesterday’s protesters want to do–drives the numbers up. And increases STD rates. And increases maternal mortality rates. Look at what’s happened in Texas recently, after they shut down so many women’s health providers.

The extern didn’t know about me, didn’t know I’d had my son at 17. So I told him.

And then I explained one way to look at my choice to him.

Since I chose to have my son, I altered my whole future.

The extern’s “side” of the debate had nothing to offer me. His side wouldn’t advocate for child care so I could work or go to school. His side wouldn’t advocate for me to have health care or enough to eat (although if one cares about children, one should realize that their parents being alive is kind of important). His side would, in fact, forever judge me for getting pregnant in the first place. For having a child that young.

And if I ever asked for anything, even basic dignity, I would be told that I shouldn’t have had sex (by a bunch of people who’ve also had sex at that age), and thus that I was undeserving.

“You know, I could have had an abortion. And I might have had to walk past some of you screaming at me, but when it was done, I could have avoided your scorn for the rest of my life. Have you given any thought to actually making the choice to carry an unplanned child the more desirable one?”

“We’re on the same side,” I said. “I just don’t think your strategy will work. It will just make things worse.”

The extern agreed.

(I didn’t realize then that I was using Rogerian argument strategy, but I now use this conversation as an example when I teach it.)

It’s many years later. I know more.

I know more about what happens when people push abstinence, when they try to block birth control, when they attack Planned Parenthood, when they push gag rules.

Pro-lifers, it’s not that we pro-choicers are pro-abortion.

We’re not.

But your script (“Ban abortion” “Defund Planned Parenthood”) WILL RESULT IN MORE.

 

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The Continuing Adventures of Karma’s OnLine Dating: Entry 50
Jan 26th, 2017 by Dr Karma

This entire conversation was awful, but see if you can spot the line that most made me go, “eww . . . what?! . . . eww!”

Him: Did you cry when Trump won?

Me: Yes. Many times. What about you?

Him: It didn’t really matter to me which pig got voted into the farm house.

[I decide not to answer. Two days later.]

Him: Feel like wine and a movie tonight?

Me: No, thanks.
I have to confess: I’m very sensitive about the election. I know too many people who are a lot more vulnerable right now. Thus, the pig reference just didn’t sit well with me.
I hope you find someone more carefree and that you have a great evening!

Him: You don’t see Animal Farm going on before your eyes?

Me: I think a lot of absurd things happen in politics, but I don’t at all think Clinton as President vs. Trump as President is any kind of equal threat to me, to the environment, to my students, etc.

Him: Keep thinking that. But in the meantime, there’s this warm man over here who would like to pur his arms around you if you change your mind.

Me: I’m not going to change my mind. I cried with the trans student I mentor after the election. I’m working with my department to take action to protect our muslim students and our dreamers. I’m fighting for my students to have access to birth control and abortions. I’m fighting for free speech and scientific literacy. A few years ago, I moved my disabled aunt to California so she could get access to care because she was literally dying in a Republican state that rejected the part of Obamacare that would cover her. I could go on, but I’ve got way too many papers to grade today.

Look, I’m sure you’re a decent person, but you’re not the person for me. And I’m not at all desperate, so I don’t have to settle for just a warm body. 🙂
I hope you find someone beautifully suited to you and wish you all the best.

Him: Ok, good luck to you too

[Eight days later]

Him: Surprised you haven’t left the country yet

Me: It’s not going to get fixed that way.

Him: Ok, so you’re going to fix it?

Me: Are you meaning to be hostile right now? Since I don’t know you, I’m not sure how to read this conversation.

Him: Nope…remember, I’m an INTJ [he’d mentioned that in his profile, and was counting on me to have assigned meaning to it]

[I decide not to answer. Several hours go by. This next one gets sent in the middle of the night:]

Him: I want you to connect and bond with me.

Me: I’m not interested in that.

Him: That’s really unfortunatw

 

Okay, reader. You saw the whole thing. Which part icked you out most?

 

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The Continuing Adventures of Karma’s OnLine Dating: Entry 49
Jan 22nd, 2017 by Dr Karma

A 37 year old guy from Illinois (Rock Island, where a couple of my friends live) tried to strike up something with me. This is the full conversation.

Him: Sorry to say are you really 41?
Me: Yup. Why would I lie about that?
Him: You dont look it a bit?
Could u date someone younger?
Me: You’re only a couple of years younger than I am–that’s not why we can’t date. We can’t date because you’re in Rock Island and we aren’t compatible in what we want and what’s important to us.
Him: How?
can u make it more clear
Me: Have you looked at our compatibility and our questions? Your questions say you’re looking for someone to have children with–I’m not having another child. You think jealousy is healthy in a relationship–I don’t date jealous people (especially jealous people with guns). Your profile says your Christianity is important to you–it doesn’t make any sense to partner with an atheist.
Him: Hmmm okay

 

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Oh, no–I think my OCD got mistaken for something else!
Jan 20th, 2017 by Dr Karma

So I pulled up outside my office building, got my bag out of my trunk, and then checked to make sure my car was locked.
There was a van parked beside me, with a guy unloading it.
“Hi.”
“Hey,” I said.
“Checking that you locked your door, huh? Well, you have a nice day.”
I walked into my building, confused.
Why was he making fun of me–does something about me just scream that I always double check my car, that I always double check my house door, that I always make sure the oven is off before I leave for work (sometimes even if I haven’t used the oven)?
How did he know? And why was he teasing me about it?
And then it hit me–he thought I was checking the car because of him.
I was already inside.
And there’s just no way to put that right.
If I’d gone running outside to try to explain, it would have made it worse.
“Hi, umm, I think you think I’m racist. Or maybe classist, or something. I am just a little neurotic. We could call my son right now–he will tell you that I’m unable to leave the car or house without saying, “did I lock it?” Please don’t think I’m a bad person.”
I just hope I’ve been more time being neurotic about this conversation than he has.

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