This morning, I awoke from a nightmare. My son and I and the cats were hiding in my childhood home in the woods. We couldn’t leave, couldn’t get away, because of the T-Rex hunting us.*

One of the ways I had tried to get us out was raising a T-Rex to defend us, but the larger one killed her.

The dream ended with us huddled in the bathroom (the only room without windows) as the T-Rex was breaking into the sun porch.

At least there were no assholes in the dream, telling me that T-Rexes are hoaxes, that we should let them kill the weak and slow, that Trump did a great job because he banned T-Rexes from one country, while ridiculing those citizens who set up T-Rex defenses . . .

*T-Rex was likely a scavenger, but it makes sense that a dream set in a childhood home would have my childhood beliefs about paleontology.

A friend of a friend posted something dumb, a claim that Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg wants to ban the Lord’s Prayer, followed by said prayer.

One of her friends told her it was fake news, a debunked story.

She asked why she shouldn’t post it anyway, since so many find comfort in the prayer.

When her friend replied that she shouldn’t post it because the first part is a lie, she said, “lol.”

A glance at her page, one I’d never gone to, confirmed the worst: she’s a Republican who bashes liberals and the mainstream media, who thinks misinformation on Covid shouldn’t be banned by Facebook, presumably because she believes the disinformation.

I unfriended her.

But I can’t stop thinking about it.

I thought about all the times my friends and I have fallen for an outdated or untrue story.

But each time, we’ve thanked the person who fact-checked us, apologized, and either edited the post or taken it down.

Not this woman. Not this particular Republican. Not this particular Christian.

Another of her friends added a separate comment, responding to the lie: “Amen.”

As Americans die in increasing numbers, my anxiety is ramping back up to late March and April levels.

I can’t sleep.

I miss seeing people. I miss eating out. I miss in-person classes. I miss sex. I miss touching people and animals that don’t live with me. I miss only being worried about what has brought me to the doctor’s office that day, instead of how the visit itself could hurt me.

And I’m terrified.

Terrified of my fellow Americans: the cousins and brothers-in-law and college friends in our feeds, at our grocery stores, masklessly delivering our food because we’re scared to go to the grocery store, who tell us this isn’t real, or that it is but it’s only going to kill off the weak (like me), or that masks don’t work 100% so why bother, or that most of those quarter of a million dead Americans probably actually just died of heart attacks and strokes (it’s just a coincidence that they were intubated at the time), or that they’re safe because they take baths, or that Jesus will protect them, or that all the doctors are lying to make more money . . . .

Prove us wrong, assholes.

Let’s do an experiment.

Put on the masks, wash your hands, practice social distancing. Do it for a month.

If the numbers don’t change, even though we all did it, then you were right. My mask was always a useless piece of fabric, like a tie.

It’s harder and harder to tell what’s real on the internet.

Check out this story by Vox, about a white Republican who seemed to be pretending to be a gay Black man–which isn’t the strange thing about the story.

Update: Amber Ruffin has a great video about this story, one of her “Amber Says What” segments on Late Night with Seth Meyers.

My aunt gives her granddaughter a purse.

And when the small child looks inside,

She finds a nickel,

Laminated,

And cut into a circle so big,

She can’t fit it into her mouth.

That’s clever, my mother says,

To give her money for her purse.

It’s bad luck not to, my aunt replies.

And suddenly I realize

My mother’s unintentional curse,

The explanation for everything.

Those of you on social media might have noticed that all I post are cat pictures, political rants, and food pics.

The latter’s number increased when I signed up for the UCD Student Farm CSA this summer.

The Pros

So much fresh fruit & veg!

The Cons

So much fresh fruit & veg, but Dante & I are just two people, and he’s picky as hell.

The Challenges

I didn’t want to let anything go to waste, which was difficult due to the amount of produce, the smallness of my freezer, and time.

I had to change the way I do meal planning. Normally, I plan out what I want way in advance and shop for what I need. In this system, each Monday had new surprises, and since there was just so much, I had to do meal planning around the vegetables.

A lot of family favorites got put on hold, since they didn’t call for summer produce.

And I’m proud of myself for finding so many new recipes to use what I got, but it took a lot of time each week to make it work.

I just don’t have those hours to give right now.

The Products:

Gazpachos, frozen watermelon concoctions, zucchini in all its forms, cobblers, stews, quiches, stir fries, pestos, pizzas, salsas, salads, mexican, indian, thai, and lots of cocktails with lemons and cucumbers.

I’ve roasted poblanos, baked beets, and cured my own pastrami.

I’ve tried (and failed) to find a watermelon potent potable I enjoy.

What I Learned:

I like eggplant.

Though he doesn’t like eggplant or zucchini, there were ways I could prepare both that Dante could stomach.

Gazpacho is better with corn.

Watermelon Gazpacho is also awesome.

I’m not just a good planner; I improvise well.

New Favorite Recipes:

Honey Mustard Ribs (from White on Rice; I did a boil and bake method.)

Pork Tonkatsu with an apple-sauce-based sauce (from Food & Wine)

Mexican Street Corn Chowder (Tiffany’s recommendation, from Taste of Home)

Roasted Chicken with Figs and Rosemary (from The New York Times)

Sweet Corn Tomalito (like Chevy’s, from All Recipes–I followed the microwaving tip from the reader comments)

Creamy Gazpacho (from The Food Network; I added sweet corn)

Eggplant Ikra (slow roasted eggplant, tomato, and garlic dip, from Food & Wine, though I didn’t have to mash it–I let it simmer on low for several hours)

Thai Chicken with Basil (and Egglant, if you add it like I did, from Food & Wine)

Eggplant with Basil and Chili Paste Stir Fry (from Hot Thai Kitchen)

Oven Fried Chicken (from Cafe Delites; I haven’t actually made the accompanying sauce. It’s so good already, especially with a little peri peri sprinkle in the mix)

Crock Pot Honey Garlic Pork Chops (from Dinner at the Zoo)

Honey Curry Glazed Chicken (from Oprah; we pair with East Bombay Potatoes, from Tales From the Kitchen Shed–if you roast the potatoes a little longer, you can do the chicken and the potatoes in the same oven)

Greek Chicken Kabob with Lemon and Oregano (from Food & Wine; you don’t have to use skewers if you don’t have them; you can also put green beans or something below them in the pan to roast while they do; we paired with rice and tzatziki)

My friend Tim’s zucchini bread

The best amateur butter chicken I’ve pulled off so far (from Two Sleevers)

Tomatillo Pork Stew (Chili Verde, from Simply Recipes; the CSA wouldn’t always give me enough tomatillos for this, so I would round this out with a jar of Safeway-brand chili verde stew simmer sauce. I also always add fresh corn, rice, or potatoes).

Zucchini Fries (from Gimme Delish; you can do this with okra as well; I also like to either add cajun seasonings, Indian spices, blackening, or peri seasonings to give these more kick. I bought an air fryer, and used it constantly for these and for reheating things without turning the oven on)

Asian Boiled and Baked Ribs (from All Recipes)

Watermelon Gazpacho (from Gimme Some Oven; I added basil and balsamic)

Watermelon Sorbet (from Delish; I added balsamic vinegar)

Chicken Milanese with Sage-Butter-Lemon Sauce (from Food & Wine)

Sweet Corn Pesto Pasta (from Last Ingredient; I tried it with Chicken and Shrimp)

Roasted Okra with Rosemary (from Decor Chick)

Corn Bread (take that jiffy box–follow the instructions, but add in fresh herbs and veg (diced jalapenos, chives, and/or shredded zucchini + some cheese)

Figgy Bread Pudding (make your usual bread pudding, but add diced figs to the batter)

Curried Chicken and Zucchini (from The New York Times; we discovered this is best with mashed potatoes and sauteed corn, all mixed together; two minor changes: I shredded the zucchini and cut the chicken into cubes before marinating)

It’s not new, but here’s our other favorite zucchini pasta recipe, from NPR.

This also isn’t new, but if you have okra and fresh corn, cut the kernals off the cob, slice the okra and saute them in a little oil or butter with salt and pepper and/or peri/Indian/blackened/cajun spices. I serve this side dish constantly in the summer, often with fish.

Two of the most successful dishes were almost pure improv (I promise to give you the recipe before I tell you my life story):

Curried Lentils with Eggplant & Okra

Marinara with Eggplant and Fresh Tomatoes (My CSA Marinara)

And Then What Happened?

It was time to re-up, but the freezer was bursting with veggie dish leftovers, I was starting new rounds of physical therapy, my teaching load was increasing, and I was cowed by the thought of trying to enjoy mountains of collards and other winter things that I’ve just never loved.

So my first CSA experiment is over.

What I’m Doing Now Instead

Imperfect Foods–I can actually buy enough food for two instead of a big family, they have local meat & dairy & snacks as well as veggies and fruit, and I can customize the cart so there’s nothing we won’t eat.

Want to try it? Let me know–we could both get $10 off.

Ingredients (approximate; I don’t really measure):

• 2 Tbs olive oil
• three garlic cloves, chopped
• 1 small onion, chopped
• 1 c. red lentils
• 2 tsp cumin
• 2 tsp turmeric
• 1 tsp coriander
• 1 tsp curry powder
• 2 jalapenos, chopped, or cayenne pepper, if desired
• 1 tsp ginger paste
• 1 15 oz can crushed tomatoes (or fresh, chopped)
• 1 eggplant, peeled and roughly chopped
• 1 15 oz can coconut milk
• 1.5 cups chicken or vegetable broth
• salt and pepper
• 3 Tbs butter
• 1-2 cups chopped fresh or frozen okra
• fresh cilantro, unless you have that weird gene that makes it taste like soap (you might want to avoid the coriander, above, if that’s the case)

Method:

1. Before going to bed, cook the garlic and onion with the olive oil.
2. Don’t go to bed yet. Put the now-sauteed garlic and onion all of the rest of the ingredients, except the butter, okra, and cilantro, into a pam-ed crock pot.
3. Go to bed. Read something wonderful, like O’Malley’s The Rook, Miller’s Why Fish Don’t Exist, or Atwood’s new poetry collection, Dearly. Your crock pot should be on low while you dream.
4. In the morning, check the seasonings and give it a good stir.
5. About an hour and a half before you want to eat it, throw in the butter and the okra (longer if it’s frozen).
6. Serve with cilantro, naan, and/or rice.

Can you do this without the eggplant and/or okra?

You could, yes.

But this recipe was invented (adapted from Kitchen Confidante) just for eggplant and okra.

I had the penultimate pile of fresh okra from the summer (the ultimate serving was air fried, of course) and an eggplant from my chiropractor’s garden. And I’d been craving dal, the creamy Indian lentil soup.

In my experience, most lentil recipes vastly underestimate how long it takes to cook the lentils to perfection, so I decided to let my crock pot do the work, especially since I was breaking down the smokey eggplant completely.

Does it need to be in the crock pot that long? No. But why not? I didn’t actually serve my curry until about 20 hours after I started the crock pot–and it was perfect.

Too many tomatoes, eggplants, and sprigs of basil?

Not anymore!

Ingredients:

• Olive Oil
• Tomatoes (any kind will work), roughly diced
• Eggplants (any kind), peeled and roughly diced
• Basil
• Italian Seasoning
• Salt
• Pepper
• Garlic
• Wine (red or white, as long as it’s dry)
• A spoonful of honey or sugar
• optional: tomato paste
• Italian sausage (any kind)
• optional: cayenne
• Heavy cream
• Parsley

Why no measurements? That’s not how kitchen improv with your CSA works!

Method:

1. Put the olive oil, tomatoes, eggplant, basil, Italian seasoning, salt, pepper, garlic, wine, and honey or sugar into a large pot. Heat on low for several hours, stirring infrequently, The vegetables will break down.
2. Use an immersion blender to mix everything (or transfer everything to a food processor or blender, mix, and return to the pot).
3. Cook the Italian sausage. Add to the marinara.
4. If it’s too soupy, perhaps because the tomatoes were really juicy, add tomato paste.
5. Mix parmesan cheese (1/2 cup-ish) and a cup-ish of heavy cream. Adjust seasoning. (If the Italian sausage isn’t spicy, I add cayenne to give the sauce a kick.) Adding some chopped spinach into this step would work great, if you have some.
6. Serve over pasta, topped with parsley and additional parmesan cheese.
7. Since you made so much, put some in the freezer.

This recipe came from my Summer of 2020 CSA adventure. I had run out of ways to use eggplant and tomatoes and basil (especially since my son wouldn’t eat eggplant). I asked for his permission to try to make a marinara that would include eggplant.

This worked so well; the smokiness of the eggplant balances and complements the other ingredients. We tried other proteins, but when we didn’t have Italian sausage, it just wasn’t the same.

If we were vegetarian and didn’t know the joys of what Italian sausage would do, though, we would have still loved this dish.

I still have lots of this in my freezer, and the boy is happy when I resurrect some for a weeknight pasta fest.

I gave you the recipe before my life story, unlike so many recipe sites.

But here’s some life story, which has nothing to do with the recipe:

I was with my grandparents for my summers (and more) as a kid. They would often let my cousins and I play in the pool in the afternoons, until the first thunderclap.

There was always a first thunderclap, usually around 2 p.m., signaling a storm that would last about two hours.

That’s how Northern Florida works.

I would run in the house and change while my grandfather made popcorn. I would then take my place on his lap; we would watch The People’s Court, trying to guess how Judge Wapner would rule.

It’s the smells I remember most: buttered popcorn and the chlorine lingering on my hair. But I can also still hear the heavy rain pouring on our round house in the woods.

When therapists have asked me to picture myself somewhere safe, I’m on that lap, eating popcorn, smelling chlorine, listening to the rainstorms, determining justice.

Most of you have already seen the video of Snowball’s first night playing fetch.

Her consistency was shaky at first, but now she’s reliable.

Each night, when I tell her it’s time for bed, she runs up, and we play fetch while I read.

She likes to play with the toy on the floor for a few minutes before she brings it back to me, which gives me time to turn some pages.

The boy is disappointed that she thinks this is only bedtime behavior; she looks at us like we’re crazy when we ask her to bring a living room toy back to us.

Although she usually gets tired before I put my book down, there have been a few nights when she’s wanted to keep going longer than I could.

And there have been a few when she’s wanted to play in the middle of the night. I’ve woken up with a toy mouse in my hand more than once.

Today, I woke up with one between my collarbones. She was on my chest too; maybe she just wanted all of us to be together.