Like most geeks, I’m not geeky about everything. (How could one be?)
My geekiness turns off most guys; however, geeky guys are often happy to find a geeky woman on a dating site.
But a lot of them are gamers of one kind or another, and I’m not.

Reason 2: I’m not a gamer.
I didn’t play many games when I was a kid, partly because I didn’t have many people to play with. My younger brother was too much younger, and I didn’t know any of the kids in my neighborhood, really–they went to different schools (private ones), while I was a public school kid.
My great-grandmother taught me how to play solitaire, got me a few decks, and had my great-grandfather build me a lap board, so I could watch shows with them while playing–while they played on their boards.
My mother played pente and chess with me. I found chess boring, overall; it was such a long wait between plays as mom went through the strategy of every piece.
Strategy in games just isn’t my thing.
(It’s not really a strength in real life either. I just try to play it straight and hope others will too; it is probably too easy to outmaneuver me.)
The day I beat my mom in chess was the last day she wanted to play.
Of course, there were some games I played and enjoyed: Trivial Pursuit; the occasional Connect Four. I liked early computer games–including those green screen adventure games where the land was all in your mind. I distinctly remember typing endless directions into Transylvania.

Command: Kiss Werewolf

When Alexander was a baby, I played The Neverhood–I played it again with him when he was older.
Now, our favorite thing is Boggle–he’s really, really good, and beats me most times now. What we like about it, though, is that it only take a few minutes to play. It’s a nice break, but not something that goes on for too long, as most games tend to do.
Of course, my son definitely has a longer attention span for games than I do–he plays D&D with friends and has many favorite video games that can consume him for hours.

One of my very favorite things is to ask questions while he’s playing:
Why are you shooting those geckos?
What did they ever do to you?
Well, didn’t you come on to their territory? Don’t they have the right to defend it?
What do you mean it’s a job?
Who gave you the job?
You took a job from some guy you don’t know? How do you know you’re not the bad guy here?
You’re probably the bad guy here, right? You did walk onto their territory.
Is this a pro-colonialism game?

A lot of self-identified geeks who message me express a deep love of games–board games, computer games, role playing games, and the like.
But, as I think we all know by now, I’m old and set in my ways. I don’t want to play most games (the only thing I love is Cards Against Humanity with Tiffany and Ben–I’ll never turn that down). And even though many guys tell me that I’ll like playing with them and their friends/family, I just don’t want to.

I’m not sure how to end this piece. By explaining how Monopoly is the worst of all games both because it’s boring and because I’m a believer in old-school Teddy Roosevelt trust-busting? By desperately avoiding the too obvious metaphor of not liking it when people play emotional games? By making a too obvious sex joke (and real statement) about how I like to play in other ways when I’m with a special fella?

Still not sure–I’m just not that good with strategy, apparently.

In the 38th Entry, I talked about being picky.
To be fair, though, I’d like to explain that I’m hard to date for many reasons.

Reason 1:
I am obsessed with Weird Al.

I’m not a stalker or anything, but I’ve been a fan for about 35 years.
I was an exceptionally picky eater. In hopes of fixing this, my stepfather brought home a record single–“Eat It.” It didn’t make me a less picky eater. It–and its B side–“That Boy Could Dance”–made me a big fan.

After that came all the albums and Al taking over MTV. And the concerts. I’ve seen him many, many times in concert. I have all the albums, all the books (most of them are signed). I’ve passed on this love to my son, who had Weird Al sign an engineering textbook–just because that’s weird.

Right after he asked Al to sign something weird.

I’ve written before about how Al and I had a serendipitous moment in Maui several years ago.

Not every guy wants to date a girl who can and does sing along to every Weird Al song.

Not every guy wants to pass a couple of pictures of Weird Al that hang in a house on the way to a bedroom. Nor do they necessarily want to get to a bedroom and see a framed picture of Weird Al holding a birthday card he’d just signed to me, courtesy of Denise.

In other words, Denise needs to be my boyfriend.

That’s my BDay card!

Guy 1: How are you doing today,hope your day is going well?your eyes aren’t just beautiful,they are a gateway to a world that I want to be part of,i really like your smile and you are very attractive,i want to get to know you cos i am on here seeking a serious and long term relationship
Me: Hi, David. Thanks for your message.
While I’m looking for a serious relationship, I’m not looking for marriage or another child–your profile seems to indicate that you want those things.
Guy 1: Yes but we can still get to know each other ,if you don’t mind
Me: I guess I’m just wondering what the point would be–if we’re fundamentally different in what we want from a relationship, why would we start one?
Also, Auburn is far away–I’m not gonna make that drive for dates.
Guy 1: Hello dear,how are you doing today,hope your day is going on well?good to know you are open to making new friends,I’m new to online dating and i would like to know you better,how long have you been on here,what are you seeking on here,what does it take to put a smile on your beautiful face,do you like to kiss,are you a good kisser,do you like wine,hope i didn’t ask too much?
Me: I’m confused by your last message.
My last message indicated I didn’t want to start a relationship, since you’re far away and since we want different things.
Guy 1: sorry about that

Guy 2 is on disability and is on the spectrum. He admits he doesn’t really have friends. He doesn’t like to travel. He games all day. He is specifically looking for a female gamer with a high sex drive.
Me: I’m reluctant to enter into a relationship under those circumstances. I’ve been unhappy in relationships before when my partners weren’t social.
I hope you find the perfect woman for you; best wishes!
Guy 2: What a superficial reason lol

In the last couple of weeks, I’ve also had a bunch of messages that I haven’t responded to. Some are from far away or far enough away to be annoying. Some are conservative (men should be in charge of the household cause the Bible says so). What they all have in common is that they either haven’t read my profile wherein I say what I want and that I expect an actual message instead of a “hi” equivalent OR they’ve read it but still can’t put together an actual message.

Guy 3: How are you?
Guy 4: Hello
Guy 5: Good morning how are you doing
Guy 6: Hello love how you doing
Guy 7: Hello, i’d love to find out more about you…
Guy 8: Hello beautiful
Guy 9: hi beautiful, how are you
Guy 10: Good morning, TGIF 😆, how are you? 🙂
Guy 11: Hi, how are you?
Guy 12: Hi
Guy 12 [10 minutes later]: Hello

Republicans like to talk about how they’re going to kick Obama out of The White House next year–it always sounds weird to me–he couldn’t/wouldn’t stay no matter how the vote turns out. They know that, right?

Naturally, I have a preference for how the vote will turn out, but no matter what, I’ll miss Obama.

He has not been a perfect president, but no one ever has.

Am I disappointed by some things? Yes–many. For example, Obama has deported more undocumented people than W did.

Conservatives should love that.

He’s actually done a lot of things that conservatives should approve of–the deficit has shrunken (it initially went up under his rule because he added our foreign wars to the official budget–under W, they didn’t count) by quite a lot. We are in better economic shape than we were in 2008. Bin Laden is dead, along with lots of other terrorist leaders.

It’s also hard for me to solely blame Obama for the failings I see. Republicans began by saying they would work to block every single thing he wanted. And they’ve succeeded in blocking many things. They have also inflamed a part of their base that now embarrasses them–the moderate conservatives I grew up with have been replaced by amazingly unreasonable people–Tea Partiers, overt racists, Palins, and Trumps. Their reactions to him are hysterical (in the older sense of the word): he’s not American; he’s not Christian; he only pretends to cry when children have been gunned down. The latest: that he’s actually on the side of the terrorists.

(I would note, of course, that the terrorists and the Democrats are at odds. We like feminism and gay people and secularism and humor, etc.–they are in fact more conservative about these things. They want to make the world “great again”–but they want to go back to the 700s instead of the 1950s.)

I grew up Republican. I have a deep sense of sadness when I watch those 70s and 80s politicians trying to retain control as the base spirals. My soul hurts when I see my family spiraling down with them.

When Obama won, my mother and I had the following exchange:

Mom: Obama is going to take our rights away as white women.

Me: Which ones?

[LOOOOOOOONG silence.]

Me: ‘Cause as a straight educated white American woman, I have more rights than the majority of the people who’ve ever lived on this planet. I have more rights than some of my friends. And I can’t think of any that Obama could actually take away.

[She changes the conversation.]

Obama has not, in his time in office, taken away my rights as a white woman.

I hope, in fact, that whoever takes the office will continue his work.

Here are a few things I’m happy about:

• I’m in a better position than I was eight years ago, financially. (Many elections ago, that’s what voters were asked to consider as the basis for their vote.)
• My disabled aunt has access to healthcare. For those who know me, you’ll know I had to take her in a couple of years ago for a while–in the South, which rejected Obamacare despite their own budget offices reporting that Obamacare would save them money, she wasn’t able to get it. She was going in and out of emergency rooms (those bills will forever be unpaid), but not getting fixed, not getting to really see a doctor, not getting prescriptions she could fill.
• I have access to more services under Obamacare. For example, my chiropractor, who is not in my insurance network, was able to recommend therapies to my insurance company–a new communication feature under the legislation. I now have a new TENS unit, a traction device, and a back brace for prolonged sitting–none of which I had to pay for–because of my chiropractor’s argument.

Do I wish we had a single payer system? Yes, but Obamacare is better than what we had before.

• Workers are being paid better and slightly more equally. Minimum wage is going up (although it still hasn’t caught up with inflation); overtime pay has been extended so more workers are eligible for it; Obama supports equal pay.
• He has proposed cutting funding for abstinence-only education, after it had been expanded by W. Every study show that it doesn’t work–rates of teenage pregnancy, rates of divorce, and rates of venereal disease are at their highest in the states that support it. Studies also show that those kids still have sex–abstinence only delays virginity loss by a bit, but raises–dramatically–the likelihood that they won’t use condoms.
• No child left behind is gone. I don’t love every part of the new education plan (to be fair, I don’t love every part of any plan that I can think of), but it’s SO much better than NCLB.
• Changes have been made to help Native Americans–our invisible and most oppressed and most victimized minority. Native women, for example, are raped at alarming rates (and that’s within a country that already has high rape rates). This legislation attempts to address this and other issues.
• We have opened relations with Cuba, which is long overdue.
• This administration has done more to support LGBTQ rights than any other. The backlash is, predictably, absurd.

Here are five things I’ll miss:

Have any other presidents talked about Finland’s music (and how it relates to good governance)?

Has any other president called himself a feminist? Obama seems to care about and respect women–and by acknowledging that he is a feminist, he also signals that “women’s issues” are human issues. Oh, and he’s against sex shaming, which is awesome, cause I’m one horny feminist, and it’s good to know my President supports me.

Has any other president included we “nonbelievers” in the list of Americans? No–most ignore us or conflate us with those who either aren’t American or who aren’t patriotic. But we nonbelievers can believe in America.

Depending on who’s elected, I’ll miss my break from having to explain the electorate to foreigners. When W was in office, I was constantly having to explain how he was our President, especially in the second term. I would usually start with “let me tell you about the South.”

Not every foreign person I know loves Obama–many are critical of the drones–but they don’t question how he exists as a leader–the basic fact of him is comprehensible.

As an American, I am deeply ashamed that Trump is the nominee of the other party–it manages to reflect badly on all of us. If he’s elected, I’ll be torn between a desire to be out of the country as much as possible and worrying about how I’ll be able to show my American face to the rest of the world.

But most of all, I’ll miss his sense of humor.

I hope his post-presidency work is just as awesome as Carter’s and Clinton’s have been.

It’s been over a year of this crap.

As you can probably predict from my word choice, I’m not enjoying it.

It’s not exciting–it’s exhausting. There are some days when simply checking my messages is another duty in a too long list. It’s hard to work up the extra time and energy for a date most times. And the pickings are slim; sometimes, I am tempted to open my parameters a bit–maybe a guy doesn’t have to be close or maybe I could do the poly thing–but the second I think of driving to Folsom regularly or having to talk about more than one relationship at a time (when I hate relationship talks), I just want to hang a “closed for business” sign around my neck.

When this adventure started, I made a rule: I wasn’t going to choose anyone that I’d have to explain to my friends. My last long term relationship was one of the few I’ve had in which I didn’t have to say “but” constantly–he wasn’t perfect by any means, but there wasn’t anything obviously, unforgivably wrong with him.

It was a wonderful reprieve from years of people whom I could have counseled my own friends to dump if they’d been in my place.

Instituting this rule has made me incredibly picky. And I don’t want to live with someone; I have no burning desire to get married, and I’m done having kids. Since I don’t want to settle down, I have less reason to settle.

On the other hand, for a long time now, I’ve been giving guys lots and lots of chances: going out on a date if I couldn’t find an obvious reason not to, agreeing to a second and third, even if the thought of a second date filled me with that “meh” feeling.

I’ve had that “meh” feeling with almost everyone.

I’ve had that “meh” feeling so much that I was starting to think it was normal–that it was the highest level of enthusiasm I could muster.

There have only been a couple of guys who have inspired more than a “meh.” And some guys have had a “meh” feeling about me. And even on the rare occasion when neither of us are “meh,” other things aren’t working.

But because of the very few, now when I get that “meh” feeling, I remember that I am capable of more, even if most people can’t inspire it in me.

I want more than meh. And I’d like to think I deserve more than meh.

But then we’re back to me being picky.

Even if we discount all the people who are incredibly wrong for me–the smokers, the homophobes, the white supremacists, the conservatives, the baby crazy, the far away lovelorn, the fakers, etc.–so many things have to come together in the Venn Diagram of relationships:

Okay–I just tried to make a Venn Diagram for this, but I could only find software that would make PDF versions–and it would only let me have three circles.

In the interest of getting other stuff done this week, I ask you to please imagine the following in a Venn Diagram:

Intellectual attraction

Emotional attraction

Physical attraction

Proximity

Similar hobbies

Similar life desires

Complementary schedules

Complementary temperments

Actual readiness for a relationship

If even one of these is missing, the whole thing falls apart.

So, at the start of the summer, where am I? Where I was last year.

Thinking about circles and saying “meh” a lot.

A message:

You are too good to be here, why no luck yet? I can feel the passion in your face,so please let this be for me,i can going to be all yours and honest.You can text me now on [xxx xxx xxxx]. Waiting patiently.

It was his profile name that caught my attention, however: whitesociety1

Umm–that means he’s a racist, right?

Slightly less, but still notably, creepy fact about him: in his answers, he says contraception is immoral.

Why no luck yet indeed.

Context: Our match number was in the mid 80s (I usually end up on a date with someone in the 90s). In his answers to OKC questions, he said he wouldn’t be okay with a partner having pictures of her exes or spending time with them. This is the entire conversation, plus what I wanted him to hear.

Him: hey there, pretty girl.. excited about the long weekend? We seem to match pretty high on this site (some topics more then others, lol), wanna put it into a test to see if this site works? 

Me: I’m getting caught up on a lot of work this weekend, which is important if not exciting. 🙂
We match up on some things, but from your answers to questions, it looks like you wouldn’t be comfortable with me being friends with exes–that’s a deal breaker for me. 

What I wanted him to hear: I DON’T DATE JEALOUS GUYS. IF THAT’S YOU, GO AWAY.

Him: Well, I guess we could cross that bridge when we get there.. 

Me: Usually, when guys say that, they mean they’ll try to change my mind.

What I wanted him to hear: I’M NOT FALLING FOR THAT. IT’S CALLED A DEAL BREAKER FOR A REASON–IT’S NON-NEGOTIABLE. NO JEALOUS GUYS NEED APPLY.

Him: Is that how you feel? Don’t want to even meet up first?  

Me: Not if you would need me to change that part of myself. My friends are very important to me–and some of them are exes. I’m not going to throw their pictures away or cut them out of my life.
In two weeks, I’ll be in London for a conference. While I’m there, I’ll be staying with an ex, whom I was with a decade ago, and his wife. Three summers ago, I was [. . . ] in their wedding.
I believe in being honest with myself and with other people. This is who I am.
So even before we meet, you would have to be accepting of that. I don’t want to waste a lot of time trying to change each other into what we want. 

What I wanted him to hear: UNLESS YOU WANT TO CHANGE, FUCK OFF.

He hasn’t answered, so I think he got the subtext on that last one.

There weren’t as many dick pics as I thought there were going to be.

As some of you may remember, several months ago, OK Cupid asked me to be a “moderator” on their site. Users can “flag” photos, profiles, and messages. Several moderators make recommendations. I’m not sure what happens after that–whether the majority vote trips an algorithm or whether a professional moderator makes the final call.

I was ambivalent about doing this. It is, after all, unpaid labor. I would have been a lot more willing if OKC had offered to upgrade my membership for providing this service.

On the other hand, I was curious.

So for a couple of weeks, I looked at flagged items. I wasn’t asked to weigh in on messages, though they were what I was most curious about. (Just last week, someone with a blank profile sent me this lovely message: “u ready for my guuuuuuu?”)

Instead, I was mostly asked to look at pictures.

Several members do violate policy–dick pics are not allowed, neither are pics with nipples or labia. A pic of a mostly naked person, however, as long as it doesn’t include those three things, is allowed (and there are lots of both the disallowed and allowed forms of nudity).

Members are supposed to put up pictures of themselves–the two violation types here are pics of nonhumans (a dog, an inspirational quote, a sunset, etc.) and pics that clearly aren’t the user. In that second type, most people post pictures of models or porn stars. However, some users post a picture that could be them–it’s just that someone believes it isn’t, since they could find that picture on the internet. In those cases, I remind my fellow moderators not to jump to conclusions–my pictures can be found both on google and on OKC.

Extreme close ups are also banned–a close up of your tramp stamp, your right eye, etc.

However, many people flag pictures that shouldn’t be flagged. It’s not forbidden to include another person, even a child, in your photo. Many dads do the latter–it’s easy to see why–they want to emphasize their fatherhood AND guys usually don’t have any pictures of themselves unless another person’s in them.

Another piece of confusion: some believe that the photo must include the user’s face. Although an extreme close up of your elbow is not allowed, you are allowed to post a picture of yourself facing that cliche sunset picture, facing away from the camera.

So what have I learned?

1. Women put up some very explicit photos too.
2. I generally hate it when people put up pictures that don’t have them in it–your Ghandi quote does not make me like you. However, I find the pictures of guns and confederate flags extremely helpful–they do tell me a lot about you.
3. Many, many people are fakes–that picture isn’t of them. I’m not sure what they’re after, but they’re inherently annoying.
4. There are many, many other people who apparently do a google image search of every picture they see, so they can report you. Beware.

At any rate, my curiosity is sated enough, and I’m generally bored enough, to stop doing this.

As someone who scores straight down the middle on those left brain/right brain tests, I often use science and scientific concepts in my work. (My dissertation was an ethnographic study, and I’m constantly irritating other Atwood scholars by bringing neuroscience into my presentations.)

One thing I particularly want to integrate in the humanities, as a teacher, is the hypothesis. In the sciences, we propose a hypothesis, we conduct research, and we see if we’re right. As long as the research is sound, we’ve done a good job, whether the research proved us right or not. Whether the hypothesis is confirmed or not, we’ve learned something (even if it’s that we need to redesign the study to get clearer results).

Yet when my students approach their papers, they think they need to have a predetermined thesis before they even start to research.

This is an especially bad habit to instill in our students who will go off to grad school, where they will have to tweak their ideas and even abandon their ideas if they discover someone else has already published on that idea–something the grad students will only learn once they do enough research to position themselves in the discourse.

The basic problem: students who have their thesis set before they research will research poorly. They will discard research that complicates or contradicts their thesis (when it could at least be helpful in developing counter-argument). Also, when they’ve found the teacher mandated minimum required sources that confirm their ideas, they stop looking, stop researching, stop thinking completely.

Going into the research process with a hypothesis would allow for better work–the student’s opinion would be more informed, more complex. The student might do what we want her to do–to find more sources than will actually be cited in the essay.

Of course, we would still structure our papers the old-fashioned humanities way. I don’t need my students to tell me their hypothesis in the into, take me through the work (“To test this idea, I googled ‘Shakespeare actually a middle class ten year old girl from the Isle of Skye?’ and then read the first paragraphs of the first thirteen results . . .”), and then conclude with their results. We “show” our work in a different way.

But wouldn’t the paper be stronger if, when the student polished up the piece, that thesis in the intro was for sure an informed opinion based on thorough research?