Entry 10 (wherein I have dark fantasies):

Several times a week, a guy forgets (or shows he hasn’t read) the part of my profile in which I explain how to communicate with me:

“I answer basically every message I get, as long as it’s a real message–not just a ‘hi’ or ‘good morning.’ However, this site isn’t connected to my phone. I don’t tend to hang out to ‘chat’; instead, I come online a few times a day to read and answer messages. So tell me something about yourself or ask me a question or tell me a dating horror story–I love those. If we find we have things to talk about, we’ll set up a meet. (If you’re the type of guy who needs to text a girl every three minutes and have her text you back right away, I’m probably not the girl for you.)”

As you all know, I’m one of the busiest people ever and I need to focus throughout the day. Thus, I don’t want to be interrupted all the time. As those of you who have my phone number know, I often don’t hear my phone, forget that I’ve turned it off, etc., because I’m not on it all the time–I’m working or hanging out with you, my lovely friends.

Yet the following interaction happens all the time. I’ll check my messages in the morning. Guys can set up the site to alert them when someone they “like” is online, allowing them to jump into chat mode (let’s ignore the stalkeriness of that for now). Usually, though, by the time they get their “Hi wht r u up 2 2day” out, I’m off the site again.

Hours later, when I check messages again, I see the sad attempt at chatting.

Me: Hi. Thanks for the message. As noted on my profile, I don’t really chat on this site. I’m happy to answer a real message, though, when I check in periodically.

The guy: OK. What’s ur number? We can txt.

I then refrain from hitting my own head against my desk until the internal pain stops; I explain that giving my phone number to every stranger on a dating site who thinks I’m cute would be a) dangerous b) even MORE time consuming and distracting and annoying than the site chatting I’m refusing to do, since the whole point is that I don’t want to exchange “whats up?” with strangers instead of being present when I’m working/hanging out with friends/eating/binge watching/sitting in a theatre; then I fantasize about hitting the guy’s head against the enormous, hard mental wall blocking any form of empathy for it’s like to be a woman on a dating site until the wall comes crumbling down and he cries a little.

One day, when I was looking up some stuff about dating sites (because you all keep telling me you’re loving my misery and that I should keep writing about it), I came across a webpage that ranked sites. Zoosk was rated #1, so I created an account.

It seems I need to demand to see criteria before I let someone else pick a #1.

Zoosk prides itself on not asking you to fill out all the info that other sites do–they’re looking at you, OKCupid.

1. This is not advantageous for me. I’m treated to the following information on a profile–where a guy is, maybe a pic, his age, maybe a handle, whether he smokes or not, his educational status, breeding status, and a couple of other details.

There is a space to write more, but it seems that almost no one does. (I do, of course.)

Zoosk is also trying to be like Tinder–its Tinder feature is called carousel.

When you “play” the carousel (yes, the metaphor breaks down here), you’re shown a picture, told how old the person is, and the total number of pictures the person has uploaded. You are then asked to say whether you’d like to meet this person or not.

Nothing on where this person is, whether he smokes, whether he’s actually married . . .

You can play this game for free, but to send a message or receive a message, you have to be a paying member.

2. They also allow you to pay more to tell you if someone has read your message or to send these absolutely inane “gifts”–they want you to pay to send a picture of a cartoon rose to someone. The site tells you you’ll stand out this way. Yes–as a sucker.

3. The site also encourages chatting over messaging, encouraging you to “chat now.” If you like someone, it sends a “chat” request to that person. It also knows that most guys won’t write a message, so it has not only a “wink” option, but prompted me to create an “automatic” wink response–in other words, since a wink is stupid yet frequent, it creates a way for us to auto answer.

Guys who “wink” at me get a thank you message that says I’d like an actual message–I prompt them to tell me about where they’d most like to go on vacation. Most guys only ever send the wink.

And most guys suck at both chatting and messaging.

An example of some poor guy I flummoxed with my strange desire for communication. He sent me a couple of “how was your day” messages. Yawn, but I’m polite, so I would answer “busy” or some such information. He then asked me out.

Me: I like to know that I have something in common with someone before I agree to a date. You haven’t really said much about yourself.

[A full week passes.]

Him: Well how will you know unless you meet them ?

Me: Most guys write me messages–they tell me a little bit about themselves and their interests, and they ask me a couple of questions.

[5 days pass]:

Him: Well I’m 52 father of 5 young adults and grandfather of 7 grandchildren. I’ve been in the construction industry for 32 yrs now. I like kayaking, camping, BBQ’ING, frizz bee golf, day trips, listening to live music, or just relaxing at home.

Why couldn’t he have put that on his profile?

4. On this site, I have the same info up as on my OKCupid profile (well, almost; see below). And guys are paying to be on here; however, I get more guys who are smokers, more guys who have only graduated from high school, more guys who do not speak English. I’m not talking about bad grammar; I’m talking about guys who write to me and say, “Hello beautiful ablas español??

Me: I took Spanish in high school–enough to want to put the “H” on “Hablas.”

There’s also the problem of distance. I don’t play the carousel, but I will look at the profiles of people who “like” me there. If I “like” them back based on their pic, I can then enjoy finding out they live in Toronto.

5. If you’re not playing the carousel, and doing a more directed search, Zoosk’s system likes to reset to have you look at people hundreds of miles away.

I think it’s their way of fooling you into thinking you have good options on this site.

6. They have bots on here–fake people. I think the way to tell is that the bots have attractive pictures–taken by someone who knows what they’re doing, as opposed to the bathroom selfie and driving selfie so popular now.

7. I’ve read some articles claiming that Zoosk keeps your pic and info and will make you into a bot after you leave their stupid site. (I’m about to take all my stuff down.)

8. I’ve also seen Zoosk claim that they match you based on what they learn about you. There isn’t a place to do any kind of actual psychological stuff, but they have asked me some questions. Sometimes they show me someone I’ve talked to and ask if I will/want to meet them in person. I’m disturbed by the fact that they don’t ask “why”–does it matter that I don’t want to meet the person because he’s a smoker, because he lives in Oregon, because he was rude to me?

Zoosk had me take a ridiculous survey once–so ridiculous that I didn’t finish it. It asked if celebrity break ups made me despair about my own relationships lasting, which celebs I would most like to see in my carousel, and which celeb couples I think are mostly likely to stay together.

Your’e really doing your homework, Zoosk.

Zoosk has asked me if I’ll “only date other single parents.”

9. Which brings us to another problem.

On OKCupid, one of my basic facts is “has a kid, but doesn’t want more”–this is in a column beside my paragraphs about myself, in which I explain that I have a 22 year old. Now, many guys might see “has a kid” and not read the explanation, but Zoosk gives even fewer options for clarification.

On Zoosk, the only truthful option I have is “has children, at home.” This is right under my picture. To see my paragraphs about having an adult who lives at home, you have to scroll down to an entirely different page.

Most of the guys who message me, not surprisingly, have children, though the kids are young, as is normal for parents my age.

In other words, I get messaged by guys who assume I have young children, like they do. Guys who wouldn’t message a woman with young children probably automatically count me out, since the site makes it seem like I have little ones instead of an adult.

10. As usual, I try to narrow the catch in my net–I’m looking for quality over quantity, after all.

A few weeks ago, I made changes to both my Zoosk and my OKCupid profile, noting that I don’t hang out on the site to chat, but that “I answer basically every message I get, as long as it’s a real message–not just a ‘hi’ or ‘good morning.'” I also say, by my statement of not wanting a long distance relationship, that if a guy is a long or difficult drive away, that I’m not interested. OKCupid had no problem with this.

Zoosk sent me a message that my profile was approved, with some minor changes. It said they only changed something when the user was giving away personal details (address, etc). I went to my profile to see what they changed. Apparently, deleting both of the new statements in their entirety is “minor.” Fuming, I wrote to the tech guys and asked how my statements endangered my safety.

I got a message back about how they changed their mind and reinstated my changes.

Based on my awful time on this site, I can only imagine that they tried to fool me for one reason. They don’t want me to say anything that narrows the pool. They’re showing my picture to guys who are 3000 miles away and asking the guys if they’d like to meet me. They don’t want me to admit that I don’t chat or that it takes more than a wink to talk to me. They certainly don’t want me saying that San Jose is too far, even though it’s a two hour drive.

They want me to pay for their poor selection of men, while making it harder to attract them, and simultaneously charging me for misleading and poor service.

Zoosk, the only thing you’ve been number 1 at is frustration.

 

A man who was threatening bodily harm to students and faculty at American River College was arrested this week. He was apparently going to do something today.
Over the years I taught at American River, I usually taught on Fridays. I still teach at Sacramento City college, which had a shooting a few weeks ago.
Every day that I go to work, my life is in danger.
Students and teachers face an enormous threat right now. Preschoolers are more in danger from bullets than active duty police officers.
I’m tired of hearing that things would be better if there were more guns around.
You really want my students to be armed when I catch them cheating, when I give them an F, the F that might get them disenrolled from this university? The F that sometimes means deportation? The F that means no med school?
Some might say I should carry a gun.
A. I don’t want to.
B. I have poor depth perception.
C. Most mass shootings happen so fast that I’m likely to be gunned down way before I manage to find the hopefully secured gun that would be rattling around in my backpack (so unsafe; I would probably shoot myself in the ass).
D. If I see a student with a gun, I will not assume that student is armed to protect me from a shooter. I’ll assume the student is a shooter.
By this logic, I could then shoot the student and claim fear of bodily harm, right?
I could shoot the occasional stalker student, right?

I have never felt safer in the presence of a weapon.
When I was growing up, my mother was in abusive relationships with gun owners. Was I supposed to be happy these guys–one of whom threatened to kill me if she left him–had their constitutional right to terrorize us?
The hard facts are that I have always more danger than safety from a gun in a relative’s hand or in a student’s hand or in a co-worker’s hand.

I see people post things about how we protect the President, airports, etc. with guns.
The posts never mention two things:
A. We protect the President etc. with guns carried by people with extensive gun training, with a license to carry that weapon at work–a license that can be taken away–and with clean background checks and mental health records.
If everyone who carried a gun did so under those circumstances, I’d be fine.
B. Also, that asinine post doesn’t mention whom we’re protecting people from with those regulated guns–we’re protecting the President etc. from crazy people with guns.
Telling me that guns are fine because we use them for protection but conveniently forgetting that we need law enforcement to carry them because other people are coming to shoot the rest of us is a gross oversight.
A lot of days now, when I’m walking to campus, I’m not thinking about the lesson I’m about to do, my research project, the students I mentor, that one student who seems to need extra help, or even what I’m having for dinner after class. Instead, I’m thinking about how vulnerable I am.
Today, I’ll walk across campus four times.
I hope.

Here’s a series of short vignettes, most of which need (and deserve) no comment.

 

Man A messaged me, asking what I was doing over the weekend. He then asked for my number. I said I didn’t feel comfortable giving out my number that fast. A: “Okay. You take care. Adios.”

***

My profile says I’m looking for someone who is “liberal (especially socially), smart, sexy, secure in yourself, funny, appreciative of smart and funny women, and a nonsmoker. No long distance, please.”

Man B: Hi ! Everything said and done, how do I know if I am sexy or not !
This is precisely one question that bothered me while reading your profile details. And though I should not be messaging you because I smoke, still, I could not but ask this question. Again, how does one know if he/she is sexy?
I felt that you are not the type who defines sexiness simply by the amount of muscles or curves , hence felt like asking this . Thanks 🙂

Me: I’m sorry you were bothered by my request that a man be sexy. As you noted, there is no good way to define that clearly. However, that’s true for all of the other words I used. I want a man who’s smart, who’s funny, etc. Is there just one clear definition for those words? (I feel that they’re just as subjective as “sexy.”)

***

My profile also says I don’t want to get married or to live with someone.

Man C: I am a little curious about the partner thing. You are an attractive person but how come you aren’t looking to get married?

***

A guy messages me several months after a previous message: (Man D): If you’re still interested in getting to know one another, I’m interested. Although I see you as a great deal smarter than me, don’t know how we’d get on due to that.

[I’m trying to figure out if any woman would be allowed to say that, ever.]

***

Man E, whose profile said he was already “seeing someone,” messaged me with this: I’m job interviewing out of California, won’t be around much longer, so fuck it, have a little fun.

Straight men have lots of complaints about online dating. Number 1? Women don’t answer their winks or their messages.

Here’s why women don’t.

1. Guys don’t follow instructions. If a woman says she doesn’t want a long distance relationship, why would she answer you when you’re over 3000 miles away? If a woman says she wants kids and you don’t, why would she answer? If a girl says she won’t answer if you just say “hi” or if you haven’t actually filled out your profile, why would she answer a guy with no profile who just says “hi”? In short, answering is usually a huge waste of time.
2. Guys train us not to. I’ve been trying to be polite in this adventure–to answer all messages–even from the guys with no profile, the guys who just say hi, the smokers, the ones who have Jesus as part of every profile sentence, the guys in Germany, whatever. For the most part, this is a waste of time, but I do believe in politeness.

Now, in my answers, I don’t encourage these guys. Here’s what I tend to say, “Thanks for writing, but I don’t want a long distance relationship/don’t date smokers/do not describe myself as ‘God-fearing,’ which you said was essential in a partner/etc. I hope you find what you’re looking for.” Three whole guys have thanked me for answering and wished me well. Several have not answered back (this is just as okay as thanking me). However, the vast majority have had one of three responses:

A. Ignore what I said completely, just as they ignored what I said I was looking for in my profile. A recent response to my sorry-we’re-so-far-away-and-plus-you-said-the-only-book-you-read-is-the-Bible message: “Thank you for your response, i am happy to hear from you and knowing that you want us to communicate and learn more about each other. I also want you to know that you have a beautiful smile, I seek for a serious relationship, i have been divorced for 2years now, i have a son, [lots of information about his son and his business] I find your profile interesting and will like to learn more about you, please write me your email so that we can communicate more often.” This makes me never want to be polite again.

B. Argue with me about it, telling me that I should be open to long distance, or not picky about smoking, or learn about Jesus, or whatever. I don’t need my preferences questioned. I didn’t write you back and tell you to move, to quit smoking, to de-accept Jesus Christ, etc. I saw who you were and what you wanted, and it was clear we didn’t match. Your second email should not be a request that I change for you.

C. Insult me. Perhaps they tell me they didn’t really want to date a woman with a kid, that I’m arrogant, or, as one guy recently said, “I tend to like younger women anyway.” Again, this doesn’t make me want to be polite ever again.

One of the problems, of course, is that some guys get mad at you for being polite. I’m polite, both in answering at all and in what I say. For example, I don’t say I’m not interested because the guy seems insanely dumb or because he has values I find reprehensible or because she’s ugly, but all of those things are true sometimes. However, as mentioned above, I don’t want to give false encouragement, so I’m clear that I’m not interested. However, the fact that I answer at all is taken as encouragement by lots of guys. Thus, when I say, “Thanks for saying ‘hi,’ but your profile’s blank–perhaps you could fill it out?” they explain that they don’t want to but that I can ask them questions (I’ve written about this ridiculous proposition in a previous blog). When I tell them I don’t want to play 20 questions when they could just fill out the profile, they say, “Then why did you answer?”

Guys, you want us to answer; you hate it when we don’t. But then you give us so many reasons not to.

Online dating is like sex. If you ever want us to say yes, you have to be willing to accept the no too.

 

PS–There are two other explanations for women who don’t answer. Some sites have fake female profiles. Some women, especially attractive women in big cities, can get hundreds of messages a day. Sometimes they don’t even read your message. It’s not personal; it’s just a volume problem.

Went back on OKCupid today. I got a poorly written message almost immediately. I checked out this guy’s profile (which indicated that he would not allow a girlfriend to be friends with exes and said he believed jealousy was “healthy in a relationship.”) Of course, if he read through all of my profile, he would have seen that I explicitly state that I’m friends with my exes (these facts come out in the questions you answer on this site), and that I’m not going to end my friendships.
I’m not going to comment on this exchange–it speaks for itself.
Me: Hi, [. . .]. I read through your profile and the answers to your questions. I don’t think we’d be a good match–you are very clear that you’re not okay with women being friends with their exes, but I am, and I don’t want to enter a relationship that has jealousy.
I hope you find what you’re looking for.
Him: Thanks for checking. Although I believe there is always something to give up for progress.
Me: That’s very true. Perhaps you should take your own advice and give up being jealous! Most people would consider that progress.

I recently told someone I didn’t want a second date with him. He said I was probably a racist.

One of the hardest parts of dating is having to tell someone that you’re not interested. When faced with this dilemma, I chose the least offensive but still true reason to give. Lately, though, guys haven’t taken the no as gracefully as I’ve tried to give it. I’ve been called shallow, racist, and a liar–in each case, the guy is arguing that my reason isn’t real–that it’s a cover for some darker thing that reflects badly on me. I can certainly understand the sour grapes impulse, but it’s frustrating to not have politeness returned.
Haven’t they ever heard the phrase “just not that into you”?
They guy mentioned above had several strikes–I didn’t really enjoy our conversation, he said he would never go to a play (even though he’d never been to one), he plans to move away next year, and he’d managed to forget that I have a son. I gave him the penultimate reason–which is true–I’m looking for a long-term partner. He said I was full of bullshit and that I was probably just a racist.

(I’d have to be an incredible racist–it’s one thing to refuse to date someone of another race–it’s another to agree to a date just to get a member’s of that race’s hopes up so that the racist might better dash them.)

Recently, a friend forwarded a great article about why a woman doesn’t always write back during online dating. I could so relate. In honor of that, culled from many years, here’s why I don’t want a second date.

You didn’t make eye contact.
You never asked me anything about myself.
The one response to finding out what I did for a living was “good for you.”
You’re not funny.

You said “I love you.”
You were really late even though you admitted you had nothing else happening in your life that day.
You pressured me for sex.
You laughed like a donkey–and I made you laugh a lot.

I said I was a feminist and you asked why I hated men.
You seemed too contemptuous of other people–too negative.
You had obviously lied in your profile.
I had no desire to have you touch me.

I told you what I did for a living and you physically recoiled.
You smelled bad.
You said, “so, since you’re a single mother, people don’t plan on dating you for long, right?”
You admitted you’re uncomfortable with smart women.

I didn’t think it would bother me that you’re my father’s age, but it did.
You talked about money too much.
You had an obvious wedding ring tan.
I let you kiss me and you didn’t move your tongue at all and then explained that you always kissed people like that the first time because you’re testing what a woman might do with her tongue to another body part.

You seem to be jealous and possessive already.
You don’t like it when women talk about sex or when they use bad words.
You proposed.
You gave me $100 in a card.

I was bored.
I wasn’t ready, really, to be on a first date with anyone.
You assumed I was a spoiled-daddy’s girl (yes, you used those words) and thought it would turn me on when you talked about how you would spoil me.
You tried to touch me way before it was okay.
Everything was a double-entendre, but none of them were even clever.
I was more interested in someone else.
We had talked on the phone and you’d asked the “how’d you end up a single mom” question. You asked it again on the date and expressed equal surprise at the answer, like you’d never heard it before.
Your mouth is exactly the same as another person’s I used to date–it’s creepy.

I think I would have been more upset about Jon’s last show, but I lost my Jareth kitten, so I’m numb to other tragedy today. That said . . .

I have seen almost every Daily Show with Jon Stewart. I started watching when Craig hosted, though due to cable issues I wasn’t as faithful to him. Over these past many years, I think there are maybe 8 episodes of TDS with Jon I haven’t seen, mostly due to overseas travel.

Jon brought something that Craig didn’t–a decidedly political focus. When I think of Craig’s show, I remember laughing, I remember his 5 questions bit, I remember Olivia Newton John not getting the 5 questions right although they just wanted her to say “grease,” and I remember Bill Murray singing some lyrics for the theme song. There’s more to remember about Jon because his show was more meaningful.

You all know what I’m going to say: More people got their news from Jon than from anywhere else. Their coverage won 7 Peabody Awards and an Orwell. The show launched the careers of some of our best comedians.

The last episode featured many, many correspondents (and his crew)–as it should. It was their show, too, and Jon made sure their voices were heard. Many have talked about how Jon made them better writers–that they learned to write for a purpose, for an audience, and with concision in mind–in addition to being funny.

Jon allowed them to play and to ridicule him. His brand of comedy was unique, in fact, because while the show was often satirical, the true satire was always in the hands of his correspondents. That is, satire plays on a level of meaning–it’s possible to misunderstand it. It depends on a naive narrator. Stephen Colbert’s show was all satire because Stephen was in character (and many did somehow miss that he was). While Jon sometimes used sarcasm for comic effect, he was sincere. He was angry at the VA, at those who fought to screw over first responders, etc. It wasn’t an act.

Those of us of a certain age will always remember Jon’s first show after 9/11 and the strength of his words.

When I teach satire, the segments of The Daily Show with Jon Stewart I use come from the correspondents, since they can’t come from the straight man that is Stewart (like this one).

Here’s what I’ll most miss. Jon’s honesty. His laugh. His using opponents’ words against them (by simply showing them saying the thing they said they didn’t say, etc.) The way he made the other side go crazy. If he were just a clown, they never would have had to mention him. But they did–they tried to take him down as if he were a serious newsman, as if he were a powerful political player.

And that made sure he was both.

(Maybe that’s why they decided to do their first debate after he was gone.)

A brief story, from several weeks ago:
A man “met” me online. He never actually asked me out, but he would ask how my day was, what my plans were for the weekend, etc. I would tell him what I did that day, what I was going to do (grade, see friends, etc).
At one point, he wrote, “You seem pretty busy. Too busy for a new man in your life. 🙁 ”
[That sounded a little whiny.]
Me: Well, I am a busy person–I don’t sit around twiddling my thumbs. But when someone asks me out, I make the time to see him. I’ve been able to make time for a few dates this week, in fact.
Him: WOW. THANKS FOR THE TMI.

That was his last message.

So you meet a woman on a dating site, but then you get offended that she’s dating?
Wow. Thanks for the heads-up that you’re insecure!