Last year, I changed health insurance plans. I’ve been happy with my decision–my copays are lower, as is my out of pocket maximum.

In fact, I met my out of pocket maximum last June.

It took a while to figure out what to do about that–I got conflicting information when I messaged my insurance company. When I finally called them, though, they were able to start an audit to confirm that I had, in fact, met the obligation.

They did so in October. They sent a letter to my pharmacy and UCD health.

That’s what they say, anyway.

In the meantime, I was still being billed every time I showed up at a doctor’s appointment, and for every prescription I picked up.

I called again. And again.

The pharmacy finally acknowledged what happened in late December, after a bunch of calls, though I haven’t gotten any of the extra money I paid back.

UCD refuses to acknowledge anything.

January saw me calling HealthNet again, so they could contact UCD again.

I waited a month, giving UCD time to respond to the letter that had been resent again.

That didn’t happen, so I called HealthNet Monday. The agent called UCD, which claimed they’d never ever heard from HealthNet (HealthNet says they say that a lot). The letter was sent. Again.

But today, I found myself spending more time I didn’t have on the phone with a collection agency. UCD is apparently desperate for $9.66 they say I owe from an appointment last August. The collection agency said HealthNet had to fax them, so I stayed on hold while HealthNet called them and then faxed them.

I’m inclined to believe, for once, my insurance company. They give me reference numbers and actual help when I call. They were able to resolve this same issue with my physical therapist right away. UCD, on the other hand, is curt in their answers and, of course, sent me to a bill collector.

Ultimately, it doesn’t matter which one of them is lying.

Either way, UCD will probably be able to keep some of the extra money I paid them. (And the interest.) Either way, I’m being squeezed. Either way, I’m lucky that I have language skills, the ability to read contracts, the self-confidence to advocate for myself, and the ability to make long calls during regular work hours. This is a major hassle for me that could end up hurting my credit score, though I’m not at fault.

Imagine someone who doesn’t know this system, or who isn’t good with this language, or who can’t make calls during working hours trying to navigate all of this.

Our system is irretrievably broken.

We do a unit on trauma in my Doctor Who class. Thus, I find myself watching “Father’s Day” a lot.

It always triggers tears–I lost my own father to a car accident; I don’t remember him. When I was a teenager, I also learned awful things about him that contradicted the rosy picture my mother had tried to paint.

I watched it again, but what I’m thinking about today is how two of my students have lost their fathers to Covid this week.

Two.

This week.

Yesterday, I spent the better part of an hour doing impromptu grief therapy for one of them. I had to remind him that although his father’s dream is for him to finish college (and thus the student thinks he must push through this quarter, despite the loss), he also has to cut himself some slack–to heal and protect himself since his dad isn’t there to do it anymore.

This week, I’m torn between sadness and anger.

Trump should have been honest about how dangerous this was. We should have listened to the scientists, and we should have had a plan. Instead, he made this a partisan issue.

His party is still lying, even about the basics of wearing masks.

These students’ fathers did not have to die.

Many years ago, I tried Zoosk. It wasn’t for me, so much so that I panned it in this review.

I mention the site in our textbook on sources, when explaining how many articles on the internet are ads in disguise. An article on dating sites listed Zoosk as the best. The fine print on the source explained that they’re marketers–in other words, Zoosk probably paid for that article.

Last week, when I was reconciling my bank statement, I discovered two ~40$ charges to Zoosk on the same day–one recurred a month later.

All kinds of panic set in–someone had my debit card number, after all.

The conversation with customer support at Zoosk was irritating. The agent kept asking for the “order numbers” to find the transactions. I didn’t have those, of course, since I didn’t do the orders.

(The transaction numbers on my bank statement applied to something else.)

We finally found them, though, and the agent assured me she would reverse the charges. “Is there anything else I can help you with?”

“Ummmm . . . did the person just steal my card, or did they re-activate my old account and are posing as me?”

“I don’t know. I refunded the charges.”

I had class starting in just a few minutes, and I needed to report the fraud to the bank, so I had to get off the phone without any closure.

But it just reinforced all the bad feelings about Zoosk.

They weren’t interested in whether someone had a fake profile up.

Nor were they interested that someone with a profile had committed a crime.

Pretty sure that person won’t even know I found out until their month’s subscription is up.

Republicans, who lied about where Obama was born, who said he founded Isis, who spread rumors that Democrats were pedophiles who drink children’s blood, who said using a personal email server was treason, who lied about millions of illegal votes in 2016, who still regularly say we hate America, who claim we are socialists who will ban all guns, and the suburbs, and God, who say America won’t even be America anymore if Biden is the President, who lie about voter fraud, who try to get legal votes thrown out, and who “oppose” the accurate count and certification of legal votes, DO NOT GET TO SAY SHIT ABOUT DIVISIVENESS.

They do not get to talk about unity WHILE THEY ARE STILL LYING ABOUT US, STILL ENCOURAGING VIOLENT REVOLUTION.

And am I also indicting the Republicans who don’t repeat those lies?

Yes.

Because they vote for and support the Republicans who do.

It’s not just that there’s blood on all of their hands. They’re still brandishing the knife.

I keep thinking about being attacked by my mother’s boyfriend when I was visiting my mom (I was newly 18). Him saying there wasn’t room enough in my mother’s life for both of us. Me fleeing, hiding in the bushes in my underwear, since he’d appeared when I was getting ready for bed. The landlord making him leave.

The next night, he came over. He said, “I’m sorry I yelled at you, but you are a bitch.” My mother tried to force me to sit down and watch tv with them.

I was penniless, carless.

I called my aunt, who told my mother to let me read in my old room, not to force me to have happy family tv time.

I’m thinking about his, of course, because we were all attacked on Wednesday.

And now the Republicans are calling for unity.

They aren’t even faking an apology.

They aren’t sorry.

They’re still calling the terrorists heroes and patriots

Or they’re saying it was the liberals who answered Trump’s call.

They’re still saying we rigged the election.

They’re still saying we’re evil, we’re socialists, we’re anti-American.

Their idea of unity is to keep lying about us, to keep riling up their lunatic base, to keep eroding democracy, to keep praising the people who fly Nazi flags in their name.

They don’t want unity.

All they want is for us to not blame them, to not hold them accountable, to not enforce the laws, to allow them to keep dividing us more with every breath.

December was a long month, at the end of a long year. My plan today was to finish getting everything ready for my first two weeks of classes. That way, I could take two whole days off from school work before Winter term.

Things were going well. I got my classes prepped, answered some emails, wrote my first postcard of 2021, and sent off a letter of rec.

Then, I headed upstairs to put my bedding in the laundry, so I could start my weekend with fresh sheets. I was going to come back downstairs to do my yoga, take a walk, try to clean off the pile of post its on my desk, and get ready for dinner and to put tomorrow’s lunch in the crock pot.

Except before I could come back downstairs, I felt a twinge in my mid-back. And then a big twinge–one that made me cry out. The muscles all around the bra strap area are seizing. It’s better than when my low back is out–I can bend at the waist at least. But it hurts the band of muscles when I breathe deeply.

So here I am, on New Year’s Day, unhappily drugged, with a still-messy desk and an unmade bed.

Trying to stay positive, though. I have kittens, a son who can feed me, a beautiful Christmas tree beside me, and a relatively comfortable couch.

2020 started badly, and it didn’t get better. I was desperately ill at the beginning of the year, from an illness I got in Greece right before Christmas. It kept giving me pink eye, and I couldn’t hear out of my left ear for over a month. Doing the dishes exhausted me. I missed Christmas and New Years.

I was too ill to travel to MLA and still sick when classes began.

I was so happy in early March, to be healthy enough to travel again. Looking back at my conference in New Orleans, less than a week before UCD locked down, I’m horrified. Courtney was supposed to come, but her university was smart enough not to let her. I wandered around the French quarter, visiting my old haunts, establishing new ones, thinking only of my twisted ankle, not knowing that so many people I saw there would get a virus none of us were prepared for, only days later.

(Maybe if our President had been honest with us, as he was with Bob Woodward . . .)

Once we all knew what was happening, despite half the country’s insistence it wasn’t, I was anxious, and I couldn’t sleep. The only thing that helped the first wave of anxiety was making a document for my son about what to do if I got it and preparing a go-bag for hospital.

The document is still on my desktop.

The go-bag is still packed.

And then we were forced online.

And then there were fires. And I packed other bags, in case we needed to evacuate.

By summer, I was certified to teach online and balancing the first summer session okay–I was reading in the afternoons on my hammock, doing my yoga, and taking a long walk every day. I was doing miraculous things with my CSA box.

Then, right before my birthday and before summer session 2 started, my back went out. And my two summer session classes bled into my six fall courses, and my back was still bad.

And the boy started grad school.

And then I had a couple of months in which I bled so badly, for so long, that I lost even more energy.

And I couldn’t even walk around the block. And I was barely able to get the work done, though I did.

I did.

And all the while, Trump and the Republicans were lying about Covid. And those of us who were trying to stay safe were mocked.

I’m now on the edge of a new school term, after a shorter break than usual. MLA is in a few days. I have to do the Atwood journal. Four classes, none of which I’ve taught online before, start in a few days.

It’s time for a messy “by the numbers.” Asterisks denote what I particularly loved.

Podcasts I appeared on: 4

Weeks in a two month period in which I bled, usually heavily: 6.

Days in 2020 that my 2019 tree was up: 33

New (to me) shows binged: 48: Flowers; Dracula; Watchmen*; The Mandalorian; Miracle Workers; Avenue 5*; Seven Worlds, One Planet; Picard; The Good Fight; Evil; Veep; The Miniaturist; Run*; The Great; Self Made; The Kominsky Method; Upload*; Space Force; Unorthodox; Vida; Breeders; Brockmire; I’ll Be Gone in the Dark; Planet Earth; Devs; Perry Mason*; Modern Love; Hang Ups; Psych; The Wire*; Warrior Nun; I May Destroy You*; Lovecraft Country*; Ghost Bride; Another Life; Big Little Lies; Breeders; Away; Muppets Now**; The Undoing; Stath Lets Flats*; The Duchess; The Expanse*; Delicious; Woke*; Ramy; Supernatural; Star Trek: Lower Decks*

new shows I tried but gave up on: tons

shows I had to stop watching after season 3 for my mental health because I hated the middle daughter so much: 1 (Better Things)

Old shows I kept up with: 22*: Schitt’s Creek, Outlander, Seth Meyers (the first part), Bob’s Burgers, The Simpsons, Grace and Frankie, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Shrill, Last Week Tonight with John Oliver; Star Trek Discovery; Samantha Bee; Killing Eve; What We Do in the Shadows; Last Kingdom; After Life; Dead to Me; SNL; At Home with Amy Sedaris; The Umbrella Academy; The Crown; His Dark Materials; Brooklyn 99; Fargo; Better Call Saul

Old shows I binged again: 13*: Doctor Who; Monty Python’s Flying Circus; Sherlock; Call the Midwife; Barry; Baskets; Downton Abbey; Good Omens; The Good Place (twice); Counterpart; One Mississippi; Stranger Things; Arrested Development

Podcasts: Wait Wait*; Invisibilia; Up First; Fresh Air; Birbiglia’s Working It Out*; RadioLab; Serial; This American Life*; Nice White People; Short Wave; The Devil’s Violin*; You’re Wrong About*; Morning Edition; Hidden Brain; NPR’s New Music Fridays on Spotify; All Things Considered

Mix tapes made for my friends: 3

New favorite band: Tele Novella

Letters of rec written: 25

Movies out (before the dark times): 7: Little Women; Star Wars: Rise of Skywalker, Parasite; Knives Out*; Oscar Animated Shorts; 1917; Birds of Prey

watched filmed comedy specials by: Whitney Cummings; David Cross; Leslie Jones; Daniel Sloss; Michael Ian Black; Amanda Seales; Patton Oswalt; Jim Gaffigan; Kevin Hart; Wanda Sykes

Favorite new Christmas special: Lego Star Wars

Movies I watched at home: Not as many as you’d think, but still too many to remember. Best: Enola Holmes

Surprising crushes I nursed while watching too much TCM: 2

William Powell, whose crazy powerful charm more than makes up for having a mustache.

Jane Russell, who makes me question my heterosexuality almost as much as Salma Hayek.

Plays Out (before the dark times): 8: Sarah Nurse of Salem; Alabaster; Dear Evan Hansen; The Play That Goes Wrong*; Peter and the Star Catcher; The Piano Lesson; Cyrano; Fleabag*.

Plays streaming, including “live” plays done in innovative Zoom ways: 13: One Man, Two Guvnors; School Girls; Jane Eyre*; Ann; Gloria; How it Happened; Become the Flowers; The Great Leap; Russian Troll Farm; Uncle Vanya; Barbecue; Time Stands Still; Heroes of the Fourth Turning

Books: 72, including rereads: American War by Omar El Akkad*; The Truth by Michael Palin; Lady Oracle by Atwood; The Color Purple by Alice Walker; Smoke Gets In Your Eyes* & From Here to Eternity* by Caitlin Doughty; Step Aside, Pops by Kate Beaton*; We Ride Upon Sticks by Quan Barry; American Sherlock by Kate Winkler Dawson; Wow, No Thank You by Samantha Irby*; The House of Broken Angels by Luis Alberto Urrea; Tamsin by Peter S. Beagle; Catherine House by Elisabeth Thomas; Horrorstor by Grady Hendrix; There’s Nothing in This Book I Meant to Say by Paula Poundstone; The Accidental Further Adventures of the Hundred-Year-Old Man by Jonas Jonasoon; They Did Bad Things by Lauren A Forry; Little Bee by Chris Cleave; 1491 by Charles C. Mann; Mexican Gothic by Silvia Moreno-Garcia; This is How You Lose the Time War by Amal El-Mohtar and Max Gladstone*; Holy Sister by Mark Lawrence; Born a Crime by Trevor Noah*; The Girl at the Baggage Claim by Gish Jen; Crossings by Alex Landragin; The Rook by Daniel O’Malley*; When They Call You a Terrorist by Patrisse Khan-Cullors & Asha Bandele*; The Bone Shard Daughter by Andrea Stewart; A Deadly Education by Naomi Novik*; So You Want to Talk About Race by Ijeoma Oluo; How to Be an Anti-Racist by Ibram X Kendi*; The Nickel Boys by Colson Whitehead*; Will My Cat Eat My Eyeballs by Caitlin Doughty*; Solutions and Other Problems by Allie Brosh*; The Night Circus by Eric Morgenstern*; MaddAddam by Margaret Atwood*; The Year of the Flood by Margaret Atwood*; Southern Book Club’s Guide to Vampire Slaying by Grady Hendrix; The Thirty Names of Night by Zeyn Joukhadar; The Plastic Magician by Charlie N. Holmberg*; Terra Incognita by Connie Willis; Truth and Beauty by Anne Patchett; Spellbreaker by Charlie N. Holmberg*; Why Fish Don’t Exist by Lulu Miller**; the first 5 Jane Yellowrock novels by Faith Hunter; Doomsday Book by Connie Willis*; Station Eleven by Emily St. John Mandel*; Meat Cute by Gail Carriger; The Glass Hotel by Emily St. John Mandel; In an Absent Dream by Seanan McGuire*; The Consuming Fire by John Scalzi*; Network Effect by Martha Wells*; The Last Emperox by John Scalzi*; To Say Nothing of the Dog by Connie Willis; Come Tumbling Down by Seanan McGuire*; Caleb’s Crossing by Geraldine Brooks; A Tale of Time City by Diana Wynne Jones; The Sinister Mystery of the Mesmerizing Girl by Theodora Goss; The Inheritance Trilogy, The Killing Moon, The Broken Earth Trilogy by N.K. Jemisin; Parasite by Mira Grant*; Early Writings by Margaret Atwood, a new collection; Dark Archives by Megan Rosenbloom

Times I discovered that the UCD library only had 1 Jemisin book, so I asked Roberto to fix it and then all of her books appeared for me (you’re welcome, UCD): 1

Other readings, including my comics, my New Yorkers, my Discovers, my Science Fiction and Fantasy Magazines, etc: who knows? A LOT.

Times Margaret Atwood had a problem and I got Roberto to solve it: 1

Books that got a fair shot: 39

Negative thoughts about my body shape/size: countless

New Favorite Recipes: 17: Quesadillas that the boy makes; Greek Chicken Skewers; Honey Curry Chicken; Ranch Pork Chops; Honey Garlic Pork Chops; Katsu; Chinese-spiced Ribs; Bolognese; Oven Fried Chicken; Butter Chicken; Tim’s Zucchini Bread; My new marinara sauce; Curried Chicken and Zucchini; Roasted Chicken with Figs and Rosemary; Mexican Street Corn Chowder; Roasted Cauliflower Curry Stew; Chile Verde Stew

Summer CSAs that pushed my creativity: 1

Fall CSAs that I knew I wouldn’t be able to handle: 1

Imperfect Foods subscriptions to replace my CSA: 1

Uterine scrapings: 1

Servings of crawfish pie: 2

Classes taught: 16

Days of 2020 when we were working out of contract: 335

Ridiculous UC Bargaining Sessions I observed: 6

Oscar parties: 1

Times I made my own pastrami: 1

Pounds I put on: 5-7, depending on the day.

Campus roles given up: 1: Upper Division Composition Exam Director

Covid Tests: 2

Ultrasounds: 2

Endoscopies: 1

TMJ splints created: 1

Times I was disappointed when the doctor looking at my hyperflexibility didn’t ask me if I could clap with one hand: 1

Poison rings acquired: 1

Hammocks I didn’t get to spend enough time in: 1

Awards won by Amy, which I nominated her for: 1

Stand-up performed: 3

Museums: 4: Voodoo Museum; Pharmacy Museum*; WWII Museum; Backstreet Museum

Expensive surgeries for Anubis: 1

Live Comedy via Zoom etc: 20: Keith Lowell Jensen; Maria Bamford (x2); My students (x3); John Cleese; Grep Proops; Norm Macdonald; Todd Barry (x2); Myq (3); Ron Funches (x2); Judah Friedlander; Mike Birbiglia (x3).

Campus Book Project Events I led: 2

Talks to Graduate Students, in which I was apparently racist and classist, for saying they should proofread and be able to take questions: 1

Atwood Book Launches I participated in: 2

New pairs of glasses: 1

Grey streaks: 2

Shots into my spine: 2

Most times I heard, in one day, “wow, your arm won’t stop bleeding”: 2

Broken phones: 1

New Diagnoses: 1

Pages of the single-spaced PDF reappointment application for my job: 57

When I reached my insurance copay limit: June

When they stopped billing me: December 29th

Long phone calls I anticipate making in 2021 to get my money back: 6

December 2020 xmas trees I ended up with: 2

Times I ate out on a patio after the dark times started: 1

Times I went to TJ’s, Safeway, and Target in person after the dark times started (total): 7

Times I ate in a restaurant, went to a movie, had book group, etc. after the dark times started: 0

Days in relative isolation/lockdown: 296

Types of Christmas cookies made: 1

Dates: 0

Times I wished I were dating: 0

Times I wished I could have sex with someone in person: lots

But times I wished I lived with a guy or had a boyfriend: 0

Evenings at my favorite New Orleans bar: 3

Conferences attended in person: 2

Conferences attended virtually: 1

Conferences cancelled: 5

New kitchen toys: 1 (mini air fryer)

Packages that got stolen off my porch, that I know of: 1

Toddler nephews who like to carry a picture of me around the house: 1

Times my chiropractor saw me for the same neck problem: 8

Times he charged me: 1

Spiral hams gotten at the last minute (12/31): 1

Books published: 1

Life-long Republican Mothers who are now Democrats since they stopped watching Fox News: 1

Weeks I had “off” from teaching, but certainly not from prepping/grading: 3

Halloweens I didn’t celebrate: 1

Postcards and letters mailed: over 200

Times I know I didn’t actually do well keeping in touch with the people I love, due to work, illness, exhaustion, and my general aversion to phones: many

Times I was thankful that my friends stuck by me and with me, when old friends reached out unexpectedly, when I was able to make genuine connections to students old and new, and when I got to be thankful for all of you: many more.

Glimmers of hope after the last election: a few

Noisy, adorable, incredibly needed for my sanity and oxytocin kittens acquired: 1

Christmas trees are my favorite thing about Christmas. I like to get them early and leave them up until MLK day, if possible.

Last year, I was very ill at Christmas, so ill that the only affectation of Christmas was a lit tree, sans ornaments.

This year, I decided to forego picking out a tree in person, opting to buy one online. I made the purchase on the 4th, sad that the delivery date was set for the 10th.

And then I was even sadder, because the 10th came and went. UPS couldn’t track the tree; they’d never gotten it.

As the days went by, I lost hope. I called the company and asked if the tree was really coming. The woman’s response was a simple, “I think I should give you a refund.”

So I went to get my tree in person after all.

We didn’t put up fragile ornaments, because of Snowball.

That was a good decision, because she LOVES the tree. She loves running around it, biting it, jumping on it, deciding which ornaments shouldn’t be on it anymore, and working to bring them down.

Then, a few days before Christmas, when my original tree unexpectedly appeared, we put it on the small patio for her and decorated it with her ribbons and toys.

Thoth also likes it, but Snowball LOVES it.

https://youtu.be/vkChOyGayeA

Q: Karma, now that your grades are in, what are you going to do with the rest of your day?
A: Continue prepping the four classes that start in two weeks, start putting together the Atwood journal, do some mandatory manager training online, and get an echocardiogram.
Q: Weren’t you supposed to say you’d be enjoying the season and the break?
A: [incoherent sounds]
Q: Are you hysterically laughing or crying?