I’m coming to the end of a three month experiment with Match.com.
I’m very ready for it to be over.
Are there some good guys on there? A few. I’ve been out on dates with two of them. But that’s only two guys who got to meet me in over two months.

Problems:
1. The layout is ugly.

2. The layout doesn’t encourage men to give any useful information. There are fewer prompts than we have on OKC; only the most basic questions for compatibility (do you smoke? do you want children?).

3. The site doesn’t seem interested in actually matching me with anyone at all. Even with only the basic information, it keeps showing me men that I would not be compatible with–men who “definitely” want children, etc. It also keeps showing me people I’ve seen already–sometimes whom I’ve talked with before–just so it can keep claiming it has all these matches for me.

4. There seem to be fewer men on this site who are willing to narrow the net, especially politically. 98% of the guys I see say they’re “middle of the road” politically. In this political season, I’m not even sure what that means. When I do check in with guys, they aren’t actually in the middle. Just yesterday I asked a “middle of the road” guy if he was socially conservative–he expressed interest in dating me although his profile states that his ideal match is Christian. He admitted to being a conservative and became quickly convinced that we wouldn’t be a fit once I told him I’m committed to equality, to universal healthcare access, and to being pro-choice.

It may be that women on this site also say they’re in the middle–one man who contacted me expressed surprise that I admitted to being a liberal on Match.

5. There’s an option in their questions to say, “I’ll tell you later.” I would just prefer that the guy not answer it at all. When you say, “I’ll tell you later,” it seems like your answer is going to be awful.

I want to know now if you’re married.

I want to know now if you want more children.

I want to know now if you already have children. (C’mon–if you say “I’ll tell you later,” then YOU HAVE CHILDREN.)

Many men also say they’ll tell me what their religion is later. I always assume they belong to the Muslim faith or that they’re atheists like me. I know that there’s a cultural bias against these two groups, but why would you want to date someone who holds that bias?

6. Match guys love cliches in their profiles. As I’ve mentioned in a previous post, match gives guys lines they can use–and they do. So their writing tends to look the same, which makes them all boring. The guys are all carefree and want no drama. They all seem to have this idea about us, since I keep seeing it: “Looking good in a little black dress is a plus, but so is looking good in a comfortable pair of jeans.” They mostly want us to go camping and hiking.

7. More guys on Match than on other sites I’ve used have a problem with older women. (Though it’s common on all sites). By older women, they mean women who are their age or older. In other words, it’s extremely common for a 40 year old man to be looking for women between 22 and 38.

8. I’m really tired of guys calling themselves “single dads,” and guys on Match love that term. I’m a single mother, which means I provide the financial and emotional support for my child. I do the housework and the work work. I do not get to hand off these responsibilities for even a few days a week.

Thus, when guys say, “I’m a single dad. I have my kids every other weekend,” I want to punch them.

Guys, if you are a divorced father and/or a co-parent, then say that. Save “single parent” for those of us who have to (had to, in my case) hire a babysitter every time we want to go to a dinner date.

9. Finally, I’m ready to be done with Match because it’s sexist.

When Match shows you a profile, they say three things on the right side of the page–they try to make this about three things you have in common. You both do yoga, etc.

However, check these actual statements out:
• You both fancy felines.
• Like you, he’s not a smoker.
• He has a graduate degree.

Oh, he does? That’s funny. SO DO I!

Match, since your whole point is that you “match” us, then why not tell me we have this in common?

And don’t say it this way:
• Like you, he’s not a smoker.
• Pretty impressive – he has a Ph.D.
• You’re both fine wine connoisseurs.

Wow–that is impressive. I can’t even begin to imagine how smart, talented, and hardworking he is.

Oh, wait. I can imagine that.

I’ve asked several men what they see when they look at my profile. Not surprisingly, Match doesn’t highlight my academic accomplishments.

I know that my PhD is off-putting for a lot of people. I can even understand why Match doesn’t want to highlight it–more guys will respond to me–I’ll have more hope that the site is working.

However, they should tweak the algorithm so the double standard isn’t so clear.

Match, I hate to break it to you, but we’re not a good one.

A few days ago, a man on Match contacted me. His profile and our brief conversation made it clear he was looking for someone who was into the great outdoors and doing all the body intensive stuff in it (whereas my favorite way to be outdoors is either finding the perfect spot to listen to the waves or watching the sun through leaves from a hammock pov).

I answered a question about ComicCon, but then said this: I don’t think we’d be a good fit. My back problems don’t allow for lots of hiking and other outdoor activities. I hope you find what you’re looking for, though!

The man sent me many more messages; he wanted to know what I did for a living, how long I’d been in Davis, etc.

I resorted to this: So I don’t know if you saw my message yesterday, in which I addressed a concern about our being a good fit. I’m not an outdoors person.

Him: Thanks for the email. I should pay attention to details. […]

Of course, I am definitely a snob about this kind of stuff. I prefer guys who read and write clearly.

On the other hand, maybe it’s not so much that I’m a snob. Maybe it’s that I don’t want my recreation time to be spent reading unintelligible things or having my comments ignored–I get enough of that at work.

It’s probably both.

That said, I give you two of the most difficult messages to parse that I’ve ever received. A 56 year old man messaged me. He was looking for women 30-40, so I asked him why.

Him: well their total abilities is still active an not as hard two get along with I notices that older women have went through a change of life that don’t let the be as nominal as a woman 30 to 40 why you ask an do my answer make a little since to you?

Me: I’m not sure what the word “nominal” means in that sentence.

It’s just a little strange for someone who’s so close to my mom’s age to think that my age is almost too much.

Him: well I been a fun an happy guy all my life so I thank an fell 10 years younger than I guess I’m suppose two that what most people tell me an the reason I never been married I was tough two put my carrier in life first an then the rest I came from a good family of poor people an they didn’t wont me two come up the way they did now I’m proud of they way they tough me if you understand that I’m saying.

*A 45 year old in Rancho Cordova: I just wanted to say hi

A 22 year old in Iowa: So this is going to be a very random thing to ask but I feel, for myself, this is a great way of expression oneself. So I ask if you mind me sending you a link to some music?

A 22 year old in Fairfield with a blank profile (except for one picture of the lower half of his face): Hii​

A 32 year old in Modesto, who lists God as his most important thing, wants children, is homophobic, and thinks “evolution has no place in schools”: I have a naughty secret cutie! ​

A 36 year old in Rocklin (who’s a smoker and who wants kids and who only wrote this on his profile: like to go to gym having fun): Hello there I like to meet with you let’s talk

A 34 year old in Santa Clara (three hours away; has a mostly blank profile): Are you open for a relationship with an Indian born male in US?

*I’m also not answering because I can’t parse his profile easily. Take this sentence: “I enjoy cooking, like plants I work out and take care of myself.“

Over the last two days, I’ve gotten several “hi” emails from a very suspicious person. His picture is obviously fake (a google image search confirms it), and that fake picture is all the information he gives, except that he’s supposedly 31 and lives in Sac.
I asked him to stop constantly messaging me, explaining that I prefer to talk to real people.
He said he didn’t fill out his profile “coz I don’t lie.”
I then pointed out that his picture was a lie.
He said it wasn’t.
I said “google image search” and asked if his side business was modeling.
Him: Okay I am not lol in . Relax and breathe. I hope u don’t have control issues and super type A personality. As I said and please read in the lines and stop assuming things no my side business is not modeling it’s I. T. And 2ndly I haven’t dated online I didn’t wanted to put everything out there.m not that person but I m not some ugly fat ass short serial killer either . All I can say is u won’t disappointed at all.and I respect ur privacy too.u have put ur pics I didn’t ask for it and trust me pictures don’t tell u all .so herr we go as I said earlier I didn’t wana lie.what I said is true
I told him I didn’t want to continue the conversation, suggested he read Modern Romance for tips about better profiles, and wished him well: “I also hope that you find the right woman for you. May tomorrow be better than today.”
Him: Lol u r fucking insane ​
No wonder u r single​ [. . .]
U wrote alot I m gona say one thing breathe new relax and don’t be controlling ​
Chao
Don’t text me no more.u r getting on my nerves .I can’t stand people like u .

On Wednesday, I took up 50 essays. Yesterday, I led the all day scoring of the Upper Division Comp Exam. I scored 137 from the pile.

Naturally, I would like my personal life to provide an escape from the irritation caused by lack of reading comprehension.

Online dating is not providing me with such an escape.

Two examples from the past two days.

My Match profile says (among other things–NONE of which mention anything about the outdoors, sports, etc.): I don’t want to live with someone or to be married (I’m happy to explain why), but I am looking for a partner and for commitment with that person. My partner will be my lover and one of my best friends. We’ll be there for each other. We’ll be the first one the other wants to talk to when something funny happens, when there’s important news, when that coworker does whatever it is that needs a little ranting about, etc. We’ll spend several nights a week together, but we’ll have alone time and friend time too. My partner will be that person I’ll want to go to a show with when I score great tickets, and he’ll be that person I’ll want to learn to dance with someday. Wanna dance?

Man 1 (aged 25): I would love to dance , but I can’t dance that well. Will you teach how ?

Guess he didn’t understand what it means that I want to learn. This 25 year old also “definitely” wants kids, while my profile says definitely “no.”

Man 2 (aged 55): I must say it seems we share many common interests and values. There is something about you that intregues me.. Do you ski or enjoy tahoe 🙂 have you been up lately? I love anything outdoors. I am supportive, loyal, fun, intertaining and loving. I want to share all that with someone very special. Im a degreed professional and a USCG licensed and ordained captain. I own a house and i am seeking a wife that wants fun and lots of hugs. Its a great new year ! Lets make it one to remember;)

His degree, by the way, is an AA. There is nothing wrong with an AA, of course, but it just seems so weird to try to impress a PhD with it. Oh well, maybe he didn’t read the part that mentioned my degrees.

When you fall spectacularly in the parking lot before getting into your car, heading over to your ex boyfriend’s house to drink and watch Fargo, and manage to hurt a foot, an ankle, a knee, and both palms, after a particularly awful couple of weeks of trying to make a new relationship work, it hits you quite keenly that there’s something metaphorical about showing up on his doorstep bleeding.

It’s not the first time he’s had to bandage you up, but it’s the first time after the breakup, several months before.

He cleans you up, gets bandages on your foot, your ankle, your knee.

Your palms are still bare, outstretched.

“I have to get some more bandages for . . .,” he begins.

“My stigmata?”

You settle in. It’s a little like it used to be–the two of you with wine and then gin, watching tv, but you don’t throw your legs over his lap.

You’re more aware of your legs this time, what with the painful throbbing on your knee under your jeans.

In commercial breaks, you catch up. His kids, your aunt.

In one break, after you’ve moved on to the gin, you say, “Someone hurt me.”

You explain how a man was dating you, and then started treating you oddly. When you asked why, he said there wasn’t really a future, since you live thirty minutes from him, and since you don’t want to get married.

Of course, that was all true when this new guy first messaged you, when you has those dates, when he met a couple of your friends: it said so right on your profile–where you lived and that you didn’t want to get married–that you wanted a partner but without the cohabitation.

You told this new guy that your profile explains–has always explained–what you want. He said you didn’t mean it. “You’re obviously just looking for hookups if you don’t want to get married. You can’t have real intimacy unless you live with someone.”

You cried. In front of this man.

You had only cried in front of your ex twice in a two year relationship, and once was about the break up.

Of course, the other ended up being a breakup too, but it wasn’t losing this guy that made you cry. It was frustration, being so misunderstood, having this guy tell you that you didn’t know what you wanted. Missing the kind of relationship you’d had before.

“Am I crazy for wanting what we had?” you ask your ex.

He puts his hand on your good knee.

“You’re the sanest person I know.”

Later, you bleed a bit through your bandage on the way home.

(Written recently, but about November.)

Um, I have to do this, right?

From OKC (the company):
“Thanks for being a loyal and active member of the OkCupid community! We wish everyone could be such an upstanding citizen, but like any user-driven website, OkCupid attracts its share of trolls, scammers, and people who just don’t follow directions well. To help minimize this element, we’d like to invite you to moderate the many reports of misbehavior that we receive daily.

“Moderating can be fun, but it’s not for the faint of heart. If you’ve never seen a rated-R movie in your life, you may want to sit this battle out. Otherwise, accept our gratitude for embarking on a journey into the dark recesses of online dating!”

After some discussion on line, a guy* asked for a date, suggesting the next Sunday afternoon.

Me: How about 4 p.m. at Barista Brew Cafe in Davis?

[He didn’t answer, until the day after the date was supposed to happen.]

Him: Hey Gorgeous, I def would like us to meet. I find you very classy and sensual lady. think we will enjoy each-others company. Cant wait to meet you.

Me: What happened on Sunday? I was really surprised that you left me hanging.

Him: sorry, it was a busy day for me. request, can we meet somewhere in Sacramento? what’s up with you ladies of match living anywhere, but Sacramento? I look forward to seeing you Lovely.

Me: Is me living in Davis a problem for you long-term? Would we always have to meet in Sac?

[At this point, I’m worried he may not have a car.]

Him: oh no, distance it’s not a problem at all Lovely. It was just me. I got asked to go to Granite Bay for coffee the other day. Thought to myself, it got to be a charming lady in Sacramento..only looking for one 😉 ? I am eager to meet you. Hope to see you soon.

[Oh, you have a car, but I’m not worth the 20 minutes in it.]

[& then, later]: Cafe some day ?

Me: We can maybe set something up. I have to admit that I’m less excited than I was. It bothered me when you asked me to do something Sun afternoon but then didn’t even write to tell me you were too busy. And then in the next messages, you basically complained that the women you’re meeting don’t live in your city, which I thought was a bit tacky, and also not very empathetic, since none of the people I talk to are in my city either.

[6 days go by]

Him: when are you coming to Sacramento?

Me: At this point, I’m not coming to Sacramento.

*Readers may remember another guy insulting my intelligence after I told him we weren’t a good fit, since he expressed a desire for children. I had to send the guy described in this post a similar message, but rather than being offended, he said he was open to children but not set on them, thus paving the way for things to wrong for other reasons. 🙂

NPR yesterday: mumble mumble mumble [I had not yet had my tea] . . . David Bowie has died.

I felt like I’d been punched in the chest.

I won’t claim to be the biggest fan in the world; I’ve never even seen him live.

But he meant something to me.

Labyrinth premiered when I was 13. The combination of medieval scholar/screenwriter/Python Terry Jones, Henson sensibilities, and David Bowie rocked my young world. Is it a coincidence that I was coming into my sense of sexuality (aka puberty) just when David Bowie appeared as a sexy stalker/s&m king/rocker?

Of course not.

That man started everything.

I know the whole point of the movie is that Sarah learns about being strong and independent, but every single time Jareth/Bowie says, “I ask for so little. Just fear me, love me, do as I say and I will be your slave,” I say, “fuck, yeah!” (Coincidence that the Heathen album has a song called “I would be Your Slave”? I think not.)

My step-father took a strange pleasure in telling me that Bowie was gay when he learned of my crush (he was trying to crush my crush). I didn’t know then that Bowie was bi if anything. I just had my step-father’s word on things. Now, I was being raised in the South, being forced to attend Southern Baptist churches.

I know I was supposed to be disgusted. I don’t remember how long I ruminated, whether it was hours or days, but I do remember coming into the living room and announcing that my step-father’s news didn’t change anything. Bowie was famous; I had no chance with him; thus, who he loved didn’t matter in my life or to my crush at all.

I named my last little kitten Jareth.

I dressed as Jareth for Halloween a couple of years ago.

While wearing that Halloween costume, I first met my niece, Artemis. She was screaming at her parents, as one month olds are wont to do. I showed up in my costume and took her in my arms. She fell instantly asleep on my corseted-up breasts. The Goblin King is so good with babies.

My first piece of fan fiction (before I’d ever heard the term) was written when I was 13 or 14. I started writing a sequel to Labyrinth: Between the Stars.

After I discovered Bowie in film, I discovered his music, playing the albums my step-father had, and getting cassettes of my own when new stuff came out. Never Let Me Down (1987) was my first acquisition. “Beat of Your Drum” is one of my favorite love songs. “Time Will Crawl” is an apocalyptic masterpiece, and I sometimes listen to it when I fear my migraine will last “three long years.” “Glass Spider” is epic, despite its terrible intro. When Bowie was bad, he still managed to be awesome.

Like everything I love, Bowie intersects with my work. Years ago, I wrote a movie column: 13 Facts About Labyrinth. When I teach poetry, I always start with a couple of songs, to both demystify poetry and to encourage students to pay attention to words. “China Girl” is a staple of the lesson.

My work on Hanif Kureishi (I wrote the encyclopedia entry on him for World Writers In English) includes Bowie; Kureishi went to the same high school as Bowie and models a character on him in The Buddha of Suburbia. Bowie did the soundtrack for the film version.

When I teach Sandman, there’s Bowie–Gaiman had his artists model Lucifer on him. Gaiman also wrote a piece of fan fiction about Bowie.

In Y: The Last Man (another graphic novel series I teach and do work on), almost every man in the world dies in the same instant. One woman mourns when she realizes that all the male rockstars are dead. Grief is especially painful when Bowie’s death hits.

We’ll miss you so much. We are honored to have shared this time with you. Thank you for everything.