Buckle up: this one’s a doozy.

The Bad:

Some things I’m going through this week, you’re going through too. We watch as Haiti gets wracked by another earthquake.

Those of us in California got our voter guide for the ridiculous recall. Governor Newsom is in trouble for enforcing life saving measures. When things started to loosen up and our economy was once again good, polls showed he would survive it.

Now, with the Delta variant and a bunch of selfish, stupid assholes who won’t get vaccinated, we need to mask up again.

And the polls are showing he might lose. ‘Muerica!

We could go the way of Florida, with one of the 40+ bozos on the ballot signing an executive order forbidding us from mask mandates.

In more personal news, the other day when I came home, I saw a man walking out of our complex with two bikes–one looked like the boy’s.

I almost shouted, “hey!” But I didn’t want to be a Karen, accusing an African American man of something before I got my facts straight. So I ran around the house first to make sure it was my boy’s bike. It was, but by the time I circled back, the thief was gone.

I’d been wanting the boy to donate it, since he doesn’t use it anymore, so we’re not hurt by the loss, except for the sense of violation.

The Huh?!?

I am supposed to have 50 students this term, but I only have 20 active participants. I usually lose a couple, but since most students who take upper division writing in Summer Session 2 are sort of stuck, I’ve never lost this many. They’re mostly students who have already “walked,” having put off their writing class until the very last moment.

The only thing that’s changed, though, is that I put a prerequisite on Module 1. It’s always a battle to have students actually read the syllabus and to go through the Modules instead of trying to do the assignments without having done any of the readings.

This term, Module 1 wouldn’t open for them until they read the syllabus. And they didn’t even have to read the pages, really; they just had to click on them.

I kept getting students emailing me on the first two days, asking me to open the assignments. I cheerfully explained that they just had to read the syllabus first.

And more than half of the class dropped.

In other words, I scared away a bunch of graduating pre-med students by just asking them to read something.

The Sad:

My AT&T contract was up this week, so I finally cut the cable cord. I know most people did so a long time ago, but until recently, I needed to have cable to record (and burn to DVD) every Simpsons and Doctor Who, etc. for use in class. Now, with students able to access everything streaming, and with my burning system not working with AT&T’s set up, I find that almost everything I watch on cable/DVR is on TCM. It’s hard to justify paying over a hundred a month for TCM and a few shows on other networks.

Every week, I would go through what was coming up on TCM and record beloved favorites I wanted to revisit, new to me works that sounded fun, and classic horror for the boy. I discovered a lot of wonderful things that way, and I loved TCM hosts telling me trivia.

I know I can find old movies on other sites, but I also know that some of the obscure ones won’t be there, and that I’m less likely to go hunting for those gems, when streaming sites bombard me with all the unwatched contemporary stuff I like.

The Annoying:

For the last year, I’ve been trying to get my various healthcare providers to refund me for payments I made after I hit my out-of-pocket copay last summer. My CVS pharmacy copays are still outstanding. I spent an hour on the phone with them this week, which was possible only because I bitched about them not answering my emails, on Twitter, and then they gave me the number to call.

A good twenty minutes of the call was them trying to find me in the system. The agent had to reboot her whole computer.

When she finally found me, she asked for the prescription numbers I was calling about.

“Can’t you pull up my list of prescriptions and payments to see what I got after I hit the maximum last year?”

“No.”

And that’s bullshit.

I told her I’d have to call her back.

As all my friends know, I’m on LOTS of meds. There are three just for GERD.

Luckily, the Target CVS pharmacists printed out a list of everything I filled, so I can spend who knows how long reading numbers to CVS tomorrow.

The Disheartening:

Remember how I discovered I might have a new peach allergy? Apparently, it might be that I’m just allergic to them when certain things are in bloom.

But I found out I have a sensitivity to figs, too, when I eat a lot of them.

So maybe it’s an allergy, but maybe it’s just an oral reaction to too much fruity goodness.

But I will NOT stop eating too many figs when they’re in season. They’re my favorite fruit, and they’re not available that often.

The Good:

Now that Karlissa can go to museums again, and since we’re still wanting to do that museum book, we had to see the Van Gogh immersive exhibit in SF.

Melissa took me on Wednesday for my birthday. We had an amazing lunch and then got to meditate on Van Gogh.

It was wonderful.

The Good, but Tainted:

Last October, it was time for me to ask that Davis grant me another three-year contract. According to the union rules, if I can prove I’m “excellent,” they have to give me a 6% raise. I also asked for a 3% merit raise, for the textbook Melissa and I published in Spring 2020.

Our new contract year started on the first of July, but I only learned this week that I’m indeed staying at Davis and that I’ve been granted the raise.

However.

The letter said the University Committee on Personnel tried to stop me from getting the merit raise.

Even though Melissa has already gotten that raise for our book.

You see, they wanted to enforce a rule they’re trying to put in place that lecturers can only get merit raises when they win a university teaching award.

Luckily, the Vice-Provost and Dean overrode them, explaining that the draconian measure isn’t in effect *yet*.

What makes it draconian, you ask? According to the new rule, only four lecturers could ever get a merit raise at UCD in any given year. Amazing lecturers will also therefore be pitted against each other.

I’ve already won a teaching award, so I will probably never get a merit raise again. As one of our tenured colleagues put it to Melissa, we could win the Pulitzer, and they would tell us no.

I could stop mentoring, serving on committees, teaching the independent and group studies the university gets paid for, but that I get nothing for, researching, etc, and get the same excellence raise.

If I were smart, I would stop.

Teaching faculty like me don’t get to decide what the standards are for raises. The research faculty have decided that our research will never be rewarded, even when it directly relates to our teaching, and that clearly outstanding teaching can only be rewarded in an excessively limited manner.

I wonder how they would react if someone got to make the same rules about their raises. What about if only “award-winning” research counted?

While I’m happy I got my-probably-last merit raise, I will also admit that the first thought that popped to mind was how the Department of Education might decide my monthly payments need to be even higher!

Which bring us to:

The Student Loans:

When Melissa and I had a wonderful lunch at Chao Pascao in SF, I got a call from my contact at Mohela. She said my request to de-consolidate the loans has been approved!

!!!

When the consolidation went through, it took about a month before all of the sites updated to reflect it. So I’m trying not to panic that everything looks the same now–that everything still looks consolidated.

I don’t know how all of this is going to work. Will everything go back to the way it was, as I hope? Or will I have to fight them to recognize the 14 years of payments I made, even after de-coupling? When I start the TEPSLF application again, how long will it take? Will it even get approved? (Less than 1% of people who filed for forgiveness under Trump were accepted. We don’t have numbers under Biden yet.)

I’m going to hire a student loan consultant to help me through everything.

I haven’t let out the breath I’ve been holding yet. I won’t be able to until I see the sites say I’ve made all those qualifying payments.

But this is the face of a woman after she got a great call from Mohela:

A couple of hours after this picture was taken, Melissa and I were having a drink on the rooftop of the Van Gogh exhibit.

When my phone rang, it told me Senator Dianne Feinstein was calling. One of her staff members wanted some more information from me so they could contact the Department of Education on my behalf.

I got to tell him that they might not need to intervene.

Say what you want about the Senator, and I know a lot of my friends don’t like her, but she was the last government official to receive my request for help.

And she’s the *only* one who’s responded.

Thanks, Dianne!

This was my birthday week, and I had the privilege of spending it in Indiana with Vanessa and Kevin. Due to the Delta variant, we didn’t go out much, but a few great restaurants lured us to their patios. I especially loved Bluebeard’s Corn Brulee, Flatwater’s Brisket, and my Duck and Duck dinner at Oakley’s Bistro.

Flying was nerve wracking–all of the flights were completely full, and too many Americans either don’t understand how masks work or don’t care.

But I’m so glad I got to go, to have V & K introduce me to Dickinson and I’m Sorry, to try new amazing cocktails, including the incredible MarTEAni, to break in book group’s drink cart tenure gift to V, to spend time with other old and new friends there, to get closer to my nephew cat, Mack, and to see Flower Alley.

I’m also glad that the new food allergy I seem to have discovered a couple of hours before the first plane ride maybe isn’t serious. My whole mouth went numb after I ate a peach–I think something in the skin did it. The numbness didn’t escalate, so I’ll have to experiment to see what’s safe.

This week, I managed to submit the grades for my last class, greet my two new classes, and to keep up with all the emails and grading.

I came home to a bunch of cards and lovely gifts from Du, Jenni, and the boy.

But I’m also having trouble sleeping and concentrating.

Every time I wake up, even for a second, my student loan problem pops into my head. In my waking life, any reference to money, debt, contracts, embarrassment, shame, anxiety, etc. summons it.

To proceed with any kind of legal case, I need to be able to see the pages I saw when filling out the forms, and to take pictures of them, but I can’t, now that the consolidation has been done.

If you know anyone who has unconsolidated loans, please, please, please send them my way, so they can send me some screen shots.

Aside from the practical life-ruining effects of the consolidation, I’m also haunted by the fear that my memory is faulty–that somehow the loan pages were clear and that no one else could have been trapped like this.

Eye witness testimony is often faulty.

My logical mind keeps reminding me, though, that NONE of those pages should have suggested consolidation, since every person who would be filling out that form believed they had made payments that should count toward forgiveness.

Consolidation invalidates the form. It should NOT be part of the TEPSLF process at all.

My stress and stress-related physical and sleep maladies make me want to give up fighting this. It’s tempting to just mourn the loan forgiveness and less financially difficult future that might have been, to accept this as one more time life knocks me down hard, and to know that I’ll manage to survive.

I won’t give up yet, but it’s so very tempting.

A social justice lawyer is interested in my case, but we have a roadblock.

Right now, I have to rely on my memory for claims about what the TEPSLF page told me to do. You see, now that my loans are consolidated, the page no longer has “consolidate your loans” as Step 1.

We need screenshots that show it is telling people with multiple loans to do it.

Please help me find someone who can log on to the TEPSLF page–someone with multiple types of loans. I don’t know if the page will give the same information to everyone, regardless of loan status.

In other words, it might not show that step to students who are still enrolled in classes or who are in a grace period. But we can check.

I spent the majority of this week writing and workshopping an article about the student loan problem. I haven’t sent it out yet, though. On the advice of a journalist friend, I’m talking to a lawyer who specializes in social justice first.

I can’t sleep, and I still feel kind of sick all the time.

So if you’d like to sacrifice something to the god of your choice on my behalf, please do.

But here’s what else is happening:

The bad:

One of my mentors is dying.

One of my cousins is starting chemo, but isn’t vaccinated against Covid.

The good:

Tig has a new special on HBO, and it’s great.

I’m heading to Indy this week, to spend next week, my birthday week, with Vanessa. I’ll also be teaching two classes and finishing up grading this one, but I’ve worked very hard, and just a few minutes ago, I published the entire six weeks of my second summer session courses, all in advance.

(I’ll only be able to take next week off from course prep, though, since I have five different preps for Fall to get started on.)

I got to see two lovely friends that I hadn’t seen since before the pandemic, I had yummy salmon and drinks with two other lovely friends, I got to see a comedian’s innovative zoom stand-up puppet show, and had my car pass its smog check.

We celebrated our third year anniversary of adopting Thoth and Graymalkin.

And Karlissa finally got to go back to a museum!

The scant optimism I had at the end of last week is gone.

There was a misunderstanding–the supervisor at Mohela thought the message from Navient about putting the application through on Friday meant that the loans would be de-coupled on that day.

She was mistaken and called me to apologize.

She said her supervisor said we should hear about my application within the month.

The woman I talked to at Navient, however, said it could take up to a year. She also said they were almost never approved. Navient doesn’t get to make the decision; the DOE does.

I was also able to find out why my payments are scheduled to go up so much, from under $200 a month to over $1700. The consolidation means that I’m not eligible for the income-based plan I was on before. I can’t afford the new plan, of course.

Yesterday, I had a consultation with a student loan specialist; his full time job is getting people out of student loan jams. He said there was nothing he could do to help me. Unless the loans are de-consolidated, I’m fucked. He said that the DOE almost never de-consolidates, but that if there was ever a case that merited it, this was it. He said if they don’t, I should hire an attorney, since someone at the PSLF division told me to consolidate when I called to ask if I should actually follow that step. The PSLF person has to have known that he was telling me to do something that would ruin my chances for a PSLF.

The consultant didn’t charge me for our call; he felt too sorry for me. He also asked me to tell him what happens either way. He’s invested in the saga.

I had a stomach ache in the hours leading up to the call. A tightness in my chest and stomach remains. I keep swinging between numbness and crying.

So what now?

If I haven’t heard anything from the DOE by October, when student loan payments resume, I will have to try to explain to the system that they shouldn’t base my repayments on what I made last year.

The last few years, I’ve been killing myself by working 2+ jobs. 7 classes at Davis + 3 freshman seminars + 3 summer classes + the grad class in Forensics + 3-5 Los Rios classes a year + scoring for IB and AWPE + my books. And that’s the paid labor.

I’ve been doing this to finally pay off my medical and consumer debt, which happened a couple of months ago. I also wanted to finally have a little bit in savings, so I could handle the next pet emergency, the next car repair, without going into hock.

It’s vital, though, that I scale back, both for my health and because I fear I will become bitter about the extra classes if they become tied to this almost a quarter of a million dollars consolidation mistake.

I never want to lose the joy in teaching.

By bringing my income back down to where I’m living month to month, in fear of every high air conditioner bill, I might be able to reduce the monthly payment to 1200 a month. I would scrape by like that for 10 years before asking if whatever remained on my tab might finally be forgiven.

Again, this assumes the DOE punishes me for following their instructions.

Of course, this isn’t all that’s happening this week. I need to see my gyno about the bleeding, but won’t be able to until August 19th. I think I’m looking at some kind of procedure down there, but I don’t know what.

Our power keeps going out for a few hours at a time.

I was supposed to have a date this weekend, but I called it off. I’m dealing with too much to handle dating right now.

But I am walking everyday. I’m up to 2.5 miles.

And I’m still enjoying showing you wrap pictures.

This has been quite a week.

As you’re all aware, the Department of Education is behaving terribly. Mohela said they would help. I don’t think I’ll be able to fully release the breath I’ve been holding since Tuesday until I can *see* that my loans have been de-consolidated on all of the websites.

And then the fun of figuring out the next step will begin.

But that’s not all that’s happened this week.

A beloved colleague died.

I learned that a family member has cancer.

A student said something hyperbolic in an email about suicide, which meant many hours of talking to her and to the powers that could help her.

It’s incredibly hot. The kind of hot where you feel rather ill even in an air-conditioned room.

The highest percentage of students ever failed my untimed, open-everything library quiz. After reading a chapter on how to research and watching a screen capture video I made specific to our library, students are asked to find a nonacademic source, a book, and a peer-reviewed article on The Simpsons. The instructions specifically tell them not to find me something about OJ Simpson, Jessica Simpson, the Simpson’s paradox, etc. So when a third of my students linked to an article about the Simpson’s paradox, I cut and pasted the instructions into the comments, to explain why they got a zero on that question.

I then sent out an announcement about it.

A couple of days later, I got an email from a student who said she didn’t understand my comment or why she was marked wrong. She explained that “the Simpson’s paradox” was in the title of the article, so how was she wrong?!?

In three weeks, these students will be done with the last writing/research class most of them will ever be asked to take.

I had to see my gyno’s colleague because of more issues with bleeding (this will apparently be “Summer of Blood 2: The Bloodening”). When I was getting checked in, the receptionist asked if I wanted to pop back for the allergy shots I was supposed to get the next day, so I only had to come once. Then, the allergy nurse said I needed to meet the new allergy doc, so she could refill my prescription, and asked if I wanted to do that after I saw the gyno. And then the nurse appeared, having to wait for all the shots to go in (there are four, and they’re complicated). It took me a moment, though, in the exam room, to figure out he was trying to check me in for the allergy appointment first. So we had to find the other nurse to take me to the right room.

And the gyno said no sex for a month.

What’s been good?

I started Blindspotting on Starz; it’s beautiful. I wish I had the dance vocabulary to talk about some of the physical work they do on the show. The slam poetry they incorporate is fantastic too. Highly recommended.

Dante stopped watching Schitt’s Creek last year, after a break up, but this week I used my horrible mental health to explain why we had to go back in. And now he’s seen the whole series.

I got to take Melissa to Tapa the World to celebrate her birthday.

I got to make a Mexican feast for a couple of friends last night.

The main thing, though, that has gotten my through this week is the outpouring of support that I’ve gotten from you. So many of you offered to help. So many of you gave your sympathy, love, and prayers.

I am immensely blessed to have you all in my life.

And so, for you, another new wrap pic:

I spent a lot of time today writing and revising a letter to my representatives about what happened with the DOE.
And I never really stopped crying or feeling sick.
But I just got a call from Mohela, my loan servicer.
They said THE LOANS WILL BE DE-CONSOLIDATED!
Will I have to start the TEPSLF paperwork all over again? Not sure. Do I fear something will still go wrong? Yes. Might the TEPSLF request still be denied? Yup.
Am I still going to demand my representatives make the DOE TEPSLF page crystal clear about NOT consolidating your loans if you have made even one qualifying payment?
You bet your ass I am!

Putting myself through 4 degrees with a kid was not easy, and even though I had some scholarships, I still came out of everything owing 133,733.

I started paying back my loans in 2007. When I got near the 10-year mark, I contacted my servicer about the Public Service Loan Forgiveness program. They said none of my payments were eligible, since I was on the wrong plan. They moved me to a different plan, one in which I was paying less somehow, and my 10-year clock started again.

As of a few months ago, I have paid back over 88,744.

With interest, what I owed in March: $154,213.

I was getting nowhere, due to interest.

A colleague was recently on the phone with DOE, and they told her about a new form they had for people like me–people who had paid the same or more on a plan that arbitrarily didn’t count. They were letting some of those payments count in the 10 years, since they admitted the system had been confusing.

So I went to the DOE website for people like me. Step 1: They wanted me to consolidate my loans. I had a small Parent Loan. I didn’t see how that could count for forgiveness, so I tried to submit the form without consolidating.

A giant red box told me I really shouldn’t skip that step.

I called and asked. The man said the Parent Loan could be forgiven if I consolidated.

So I did.

I got encouraging paperwork from the DOE, saying it looked like I had indeed made payments that should be considered. They just needed Mohela, the loan servicer, to tell them exactly how much I’d paid and when.

But then I was talking to Mohela today, and they thought I was a brand-new customer with a brand new loan.

By consolidating, my old loans disappeared, along with the 14 years of monthly payments I’d made.

By consolidating, which the PSLF program told me to do, I effectively erased 100% of the progress I’d made toward forgiveness.

The woman at DOE said I should have read everything more closely.

And I will always admit that we should read things more closely.

But it also seems to me that on a page specifically designed for people who believe they have made qualifying payments toward forgiveness, you should not encourage people to consolidate, unless you’re trying to screw them over.

Maybe what needed to be in big red letters was: hey, if you consolidate, we won’t consider any of your loan history at all, and you’ll be fucked, so skip Step 1.

Today, I owe 158,569.

If I’m on the “right” kind of payment plan for PSLF for the foreseeable future, they want me to pay almost 1,800 a month for the next ten years.

I can’t really afford that, especially since my health demands that I stop working more than one job. That’s more than my rent.

Also, since it will be 10 years, I will not be eligible for any loan forgiveness, ever.

I will pay 222,108 in those 10 years, meaning that by the time this is all done, on the plan they have in mind for me, I will have paid 310,852 since 2007, for taking out 133,733 for myself and about 4000 for Dante. The government will receive 172,119 in interest.

I managed to stop crying today long enough to hold office hours, but I know I’m not done yet.

Mohela, the loan servicer, was at least sympathetic when I talked to them today. They are filing a petition to decouple the loans, now that I have a full understanding of what coupling did.

That petition may be turned down.

I’m not feeling optimistic. Instead, I’m beating myself up for not understanding their terms. I’m nauseated, angry, and exhausted.

I’ve been mostly nose to the grindstone this week, which means I have the syllabus and first week ready for my two Summer Session 2 courses that start in a month and that I’m caught on the course running now.

Someone close to me got some wonderful news that’s had me smiling all week, but it’s not mine to share.

Friday night, though, sucked.

I’ve started talking to a few people on Bumble, and Saturday night, I was supposed to have my first first date in two years. I put got relatively gussied up and went to the bar. I got there a little early, so I texted him that I had a table in the back and settled in the back.

He never showed.

It was surprising, since he had texted a few times that day about how excited he was to meet me.

After waiting 45 minutes, I messaged, “not coming?” And then I headed home.

He blocked me instead of answering.

Was he just playing games? Did he chicken out?

Naturally, the negative voice in my head has a lot to say about this. She’s sure he came, he saw, and he decided I’m too fat to even be polite to over a drink.

For the record, she’s been saying I’m too fat for love for the last sixty pounds, and before that, she said I was too flat chested and single-mothery.

But I am overweight, and the fact that I’m getting healthier and losing weight doesn’t shut her up.

I wasn’t overly invested in this guy, but that doesn’t take away the sting.

I hate that the negative voice will be able to feed on this for the foreseeable future.

Luckily, I did get my first first date yesterday–a mini one, since it was last minute and I had other dinner plans–with a guy who doesn’t seem to be a player, a chicken, or an asshole.

In other news, my first two wraps are here, after Facebook told me to splurge.

Today, I’m exhausted, so I’m trying to rest up before tomorrow starts another long week, watching Ragnarok on Netflix.