This was my birthday week, and I had the privilege of spending it in Indiana with Vanessa and Kevin. Due to the Delta variant, we didn’t go out much, but a few great restaurants lured us to their patios. I especially loved Bluebeard’s Corn Brulee, Flatwater’s Brisket, and my Duck and Duck dinner at Oakley’s Bistro.
Flying was nerve wracking–all of the flights were completely full, and too many Americans either don’t understand how masks work or don’t care.
But I’m so glad I got to go, to have V & K introduce me to Dickinson and I’m Sorry, to try new amazing cocktails, including the incredible MarTEAni, to break in book group’s drink cart tenure gift to V, to spend time with other old and new friends there, to get closer to my nephew cat, Mack, and to see Flower Alley.
I’m also glad that the new food allergy I seem to have discovered a couple of hours before the first plane ride maybe isn’t serious. My whole mouth went numb after I ate a peach–I think something in the skin did it. The numbness didn’t escalate, so I’ll have to experiment to see what’s safe.
This week, I managed to submit the grades for my last class, greet my two new classes, and to keep up with all the emails and grading.
I came home to a bunch of cards and lovely gifts from Du, Jenni, and the boy.
But I’m also having trouble sleeping and concentrating.
Every time I wake up, even for a second, my student loan problem pops into my head. In my waking life, any reference to money, debt, contracts, embarrassment, shame, anxiety, etc. summons it.
To proceed with any kind of legal case, I need to be able to see the pages I saw when filling out the forms, and to take pictures of them, but I can’t, now that the consolidation has been done.
If you know anyone who has unconsolidated loans, please, please, please send them my way, so they can send me some screen shots.
Aside from the practical life-ruining effects of the consolidation, I’m also haunted by the fear that my memory is faulty–that somehow the loan pages were clear and that no one else could have been trapped like this.
Eye witness testimony is often faulty.
My logical mind keeps reminding me, though, that NONE of those pages should have suggested consolidation, since every person who would be filling out that form believed they had made payments that should count toward forgiveness.
Consolidation invalidates the form. It should NOT be part of the TEPSLF process at all.
My stress and stress-related physical and sleep maladies make me want to give up fighting this. It’s tempting to just mourn the loan forgiveness and less financially difficult future that might have been, to accept this as one more time life knocks me down hard, and to know that I’ll manage to survive.
I won’t give up yet, but it’s so very tempting.
