“Can I just send my students to you?”

I don’t know anyone in my profession who hasn’t heard a question like that.

I was surprised to hear it from another teacher, however.

I was trying to make nice with colleagues from across the campus at the request of my friend Ken, who’d organized a meet up in an attempt to get us to know and love each other (Ken talked about “networking,” but that word makes my ass twitch, so I had to pretend that’s not what I was doing).

A man from our nursing school in Sac asked me what I do. Well, among other things, I teach Writing in Health Science.

My colleague thought that was great, and said his nursing students definitely needed instruction like that. I talked about our workshops and our classes. He said his students didn’t have time for those.

“Can I just send my students to you?”

As soon as I made it clear that I wouldn’t be taking on free individualized writing instruction for all of his students, in the same way that he was unlikely to take on free individualized healthcare for all of my students, he wandered off to network with someone else, and my ass was left twitching in irritation.

This kind of thing happens all the time. Students and former students often want my editorial skills–so do some of my writer friends (cause writer friends always help other writer friends)–but at least they have a right to ask. And they know how to ask (usually) because they understand the value of what they’re asking for.

The students I teach, the people I mentor, and the people I love can and do ask. They also understand that sometimes I can’t help them for some reason or another.

Unpaid labor, though, is much on my mind these days, due to some disagreements about pay that the university and I (& my class of department faculty) are having.

It’s also on my mind as a writer. I wish my friend Chris and I had been in better contact a few years ago, when I was doing a movie blog for someone else–when he came to campus recently for an author talk, he was clear that none of us should ever write “for exposure” (thought we’d need to redo academia and its weird expectations). (The Oatmeal wrote a great short comic about “exposure“–see below.)

And now, the expectation of free labor (you like writing! so you must want to make my shitty writing awesome instead of working on your own awesomeness) has entered my dating life.

A couple of months ago, I got bombarded by messages from a young man while I was in Oxford. He’s in his late twenties, and I don’t think we have anything in common. He wasn’t able to convince me that we did–every message was just a different way of saying he really liked me and that he wanted to be my lover.

I declined to give him my phone number, despite his repeated attempts.

He disappeared for a couple of months, but then reappeared, with the same bland, general declarations of devotion, not bothered in the least by the fact that we’d never talked about anything other than the fact that I wasn’t interested and that he was.

“I don’t want to date you.”

“Ok. Can I call u?”

Sigh.

Several weeks later, which happened to be today, I got this message:

“hi how are you? I need help proofreading my thesis paper. Thank you hun :)”

In his defense, he apologized when I explained the various ways in which that message was inappropriate and rude.

So I guess a free writing lesson happened after all.

by The Oatmeal

Dear ___,

Thanks so much for your message! However, (circle all that apply) I don’t want a long distance relationship / I don’t date smokers / I don’t think we’d be a good fit since you want a “god fearing woman,” and I’m an atheist / you’re looking for someone to have children with / I don’t date married men / you indicated in your questions that you would have problems with me being friends with my exes / your profile says you’re looking for casual sex, but I’m looking for a relationship / you seem to be much more conservative than I am. I hope you find what you’re looking for!

Dear ___,

As I said in the previous email, I don’t want a long distance relationship. It’s really flattering that you’re willing to drive a couple of hours to have a date with me, but I don’t want to just see someone on the weekends, and I’m not going to drive a couple of hours for a date. I need a partner who’s closer.

Dear ___,

You live in (some far away country). While I agree that it’s possible to care about people from a long way away, I do not want a long distance relationship, as I said in the last email. And no, I don’t think I’m the perfect woman for you. You’ve only read my profile and a polite message telling you that I’m not interested–you don’t know me. Neither do the other guys who’ve told me that love can’t be conquered by distance this week.

Dear ___,

I’m not against dating a smoker because it’s a vice of some kind. And yes, I drink. However, drinking doesn’t give me asthma attacks. I think I’m within my rights to turn down a date with someone whose activities would hurt my lungs.

Dear ___,

It’s interesting that you say god is the most important thing in your life, but when I say I’m not interested in a date, you offer to be friends with benefits. I am looking for a relationship; it’s probably what Jesus would want me to do.

Dear ___,

Where did I get the idea that you wanted to have children? You said it on your profile. You also answered the question “Are you looking for someone to have children with?” with a “yes.” I tend to believe what people say in their answers, since they took the time to answer the question.

Dear ___,

I’m looking for a relationship–a real one. If we were friends, you would tell me not to settle for less than I want, less than I deserve. I’m no one’s second fiddle–I’m a stradivarius. Since you don’t know me, I’ll just give myself that advice and wish you a good day.

Dear ___,

What leads me to think that you would have a problem with me being friends with my exes are your answers to questions about letting your partner have dinner alone with an ex, letting your partner keep pictures of exes, letting your partner spend time with an ex, etc. You also said you think jealousy is “healthy” in a relationship.

Dear ____,

No, I’m not interested in being in a friends with benefits relationship with you. As I noted previously, I’m looking for a relationship, not casual sex (for which I wouldn’t need to resort to the internet). Also, we’re not friends. You’re a stranger, and I don’t want to have sex with a stranger.

Dear ___,

When I say you seem to be more conservative than I am, I’m referencing your answers to the questions in which you said (circle all that apply) that you don’t believe in dinosaurs / that you listen to conservative talk radio / that you think men should be the head of their households / that you don’t think evolution should be taught in science class / that you think homosexuality is a sin). Those are dealbreakers for me.

Dear___,

I already know what the Bible says about (circle all that apply) the creation story / women being subservient / gay people. I don’t need to date a conservative to better “understand” that point of view. I was raised in the South. I get it. However, I don’t respect it, and I don’t let people touch my pussy if I don’t respect them.

As an expert on The Simpsons, I’m always asked about other cartoons for adults. For a long time, I watched them all. Several years ago, though, the boy asked why we were watching American Dad when it was so sexist.

“Because I feel like I have to–people always ask me about this stuff.”

And then I turned it off. American Dad and Family Guy both had their moments. As a member of their creators’ generation, I sometimes wonder why my students like the stuff, considering how you really had to grow up in the 80s to get many of the references. However, I don’t like either show enough to watch it. Specifically, I hate Peter Griffin with a passion. A passion. And I find the way he treats his daughter beyond repulsive.

I love Robot Chicken, however (except for Bitch Puddin), and Archer.

And I still watch South Park.

I remember the first few episodes, viewed with friends in college. In fact, “Cartman Gets an Anal Probe” is still one of my favorites. And I highly recommend “Eat, Pray, Queef,” about the double standards in the way we treat women’s bodies and women in comedy.

Not all South Park episodes are great (it’s impossible to be on for almost 20 years and hit one out of the park each time). One of their great strengths is often one of their weaknesses, in fact. They can put together an episode in a week, which means they can be topical, but that very topicality can also date the episodes fairly quickly.

The show has also fallen victim to its own success in the same way The Simpsons has. Both shows were groundbreaking; both shows were criticized heavily for being the downfall of modern civilization. And then both shows became relatively quaint compared to their successors. This is simply the way of things. The shows are different than they were at the beginning, of course, but they transformed audiences’ expectations and paved the way for new shows to signal the end of time–leading some to dissmiss them because they are still themselves instead of Archer.

That said, this season of South Park has been amazing. For the first time, the show has done a solid season arc (it’s still tied in some topical references).

The arc is not a simple one, but explores several themes: gentrification, advertising/corporate power, and being politically correct. As we have a full season to play, the issues get to be more complex than usual. In earlier episodes, for example, being PC was simply made fun of; here, you can see that some characters need to be more sensitive to differences, but that there is a way to go too far.

The show’s treatment of Caitlyn Jenner has gotten a lot of attention. Bringing her in, of course, was a catalyst to start talking about being PC. In the first episode, Kyle is given detention for saying she isn’t a hero. I sympathized.

My students kept wanting to talk bout Caitlyn, and I didn’t. I am in full support of trans rights, and I know some trans individuals. This was all true before Caitlyn. For most of my students, though, Caitlyn was their introduction to these issues, but I didn’t want to talk about her. Why? Because I’ve never watched the Kardashians (though I’ve watched The Soup talk about them). In fact, when I first heard the name of their show, I hoped there was a tongue in cheek Star Trek spin off, since Kardashian sounds like a race you’d find there. When I found out why the family was on tv–because Kim had sex and people got to see it–I was definitely turned off. I don’t watch reality tv. And I’ve been irritated for years about having to know what some vapid people do because they’re famous for being famous now.

So I didn’t want to talk about Caitlyn because I didn’t want to talk about Bruce.

However, I did want to write about how awesome South Park has been this season. I was going to do so a few days ago, but grading and some medical procedures got in the way. In the meantime, Sonia Saraiya wrote a great piece about it.

Other recommendations from the past few months: The Grinder, Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, The Simpsons, Jessica Jones, Fresh Off the Boat, Master of None, The Good Wife . . .

Hi, all! I had a terrible backache on Thanksgiving night, so I opened one of my best bottles of wine and decided to update the look of the blog in lieu of doing real work (it was a holiday, after all).
I probably wouldn’t have bothered, except I was starting to get the idea that more people were reading this than I realized (I was just sort of assuming it was my friends and family (hi, Emily!) and some former students who have admitted to stalking following me. 😉
Having heard some rumors, I installed a visitor counter a week and half ago. I have to admit I was surprised to find a couple hundred of you were here every day. (Especially since you almost never leave comments!)
And then one of my blogs ended up on this dating site.
Here’s the skinny:
I’m gonna keep writing about the personal stuff that only those close to me should care about, the dating stuff that everyone can enjoy (especially those who have never had to resort to online dating–I think reading about it is probably good for your long term relationship, since you’ll be more thankful), etc.
And I’m going to forget that lots of people see it (which is surprising easy, since I don’t quite believe it yet); I would hate to actually censor myself in a terrified state of what I’m putting out there to the world.
Thanks for reading; comment more!
Love, me.

Today, on Thanksgiving, I give thanks that OKCupid allows me to block particularly awful users.

This morning, I got a message from a guy in Sacramento. A quick look at some of his answers indicated severe problems. He thinks gay people are sinful* and that evolution should not be taught in schools.

I wrote him back, saying he’s too conservative for me, and wished him a Happy Thanksgiving.

He started to argue back that I should give him a chance. Thus, I told him that those particular issues were dealbreakers for me. He continued to argue, saying that we can agree to disagree, that his views on gays shouldn’t affect whether we can hang out, that anal sex is wrong because it’s not procreative (and yes, he is a hypocrite who doesn’t have the same problems with oral).

He said that I’m judgmental, which I find hilarious; he can judge gays, but I can’t judge bigots, apparently.

And then he said this:

“I think we would connect better on a sexual level…you might not like my ideal but im sure youd like my dick… Now i mean no disrespect.. We all have needs.. I just think the hostility would be gone if you felt something nice and big in you [sic]”

At least he means no disrespect.

Thanks for the ability to block and a day on which I can have a lot of wine.

*How common is anti-gay bigotry on OKC? Well, on their page of instructions about how to block people and how to report people for abusive behavior, they have to say this: “Please note: we DO allow married, gay, and transgender people on OkCupid, so reporting them won’t get them deleted.”

Two different men this week have messaged me from afar, telling me that they could simply move to Davis. I have to give them points for having actually read my profile, which says I don’t want a long distance relationship. However, I think it would be a good idea to actually date someone for a long time before having them move to Davis for me. This would, of course, necessitate long distance dating, so we’re back to square one.

I have explained to both men that I don’t want to do the long distance dating that might (in a long shot) lead to a move.

One man* just messaged me with this rejoinder:

“Honestly i liked you very much (i mean initial impressions as we just met here). I have work from home option. So if you think we can date and see if we are a match i can move closer to your location. I live alone and it doesn’t matter for me if i live in Davis or San Jose. So location is not an issue for me. Just to make things clear for you, after few dates if you think i am not right for you, i don’t mind or feel bad that i had moved close to your location or so. You are free to take your decision any time. Honestly i like white/cacausian woman very much. I respect all religions and believe all humans are same. Hope you understand and if you like my basic info please let us try to see if we are good for each other or not by dating. You can decide it over an uncondittional time ( any number of years that is good for you). Appreciate your thoughts. Thanks.”

What’s a polite but firm way to say “Please don’t move here”?

**** BREAKING NEWS: While I was writing this post, he messaged me with a response to my assurance that we did not have enough in common to break my “no long distance” rule.

“I like nature and healthy life style. I think you are also of the same type.”

WTF? I actually regret the small amount of time I left the house today (I could have gotten so much more done if I’d stayed inside!). And while I reheated a very health 13 bean soup to serve when people came over to watch Star Wars, I enjoyed it with a bottle of wine. And there was dessert. And lots of buttery bread to go with said soup. The 10 whole minutes of yoga I did this morning probably does not absolve me of these crimes.

I am going to go to bed and both a) stop trying to persuade the unpersuadable about the fact that I do understand both myself and what I want out of dating b) blogging about said unpersuadable person.

*He’s Indian-American. Dedicated readers will know that I’ve mentioned a trend in many messages I receive from Indian-American men: they only post one picture; they don’t write more than a couple of sentences about themselves; they don’t answer the questions the site provides for matching. This man proves the rule.

A sixty-year-old man writes me a message . . .

Sounds like a set up for a joke.

If you find any of the following funny, I guess it is.

A sixty-year-old writes me a message. Notably, he doesn’t have any pictures of himself from the last five years posted.

His profile says he doesn’t “do dates.” We have the following conversation:

Me: Hi, [redacted]! On your profile, you say you don’t do “dates.” What does that mean, exactly?

Him: [. . . ] That’s funny, you are the second woman in two days who ask me that… First let me ready it. It’s been a long time… OK… By that I mean I don’t do the “let’s meet for coffee” or dinner or any of this nonsense. I find the idea atrocious. I know that’s what most people do, and that in itself is a good enough reason for me not to do it. I have been doing online dating (still I hate this word) for… almost 20 years. Does that sound crazy or what? LOL Not all the time… LOL. My point is.. know what I want, I know what makes sense to me, and I stick to my way of doing thing. Fuck “Dr.” Phil… LOL [. . . ] Would you like to talk on the phone?

Me: I don’t really like talking on the phone–when I do, it’s to do something practical, like set up an appointment. I’ve always been like that; my friends in high school used to tease me about it, especially since I forbade them from calling during Jeopardy! So you explained that you don’t do coffee or dinner dates–what is it that you do, exactly?

Him: LOLOL… You ask a question and so I assume you want a response… “what is it that you do, exactly?” I talk on the phone… LOL Do we have a problem? NOW… I agree with you about talking on the phone only to set up a time or something. [. . .] But before we meet I like to talk on the phone intensely. I am not interested in getting together with strangers. This is something really thought out and debated I could write a book about. Is is not something I just do… I strongly believe it is a great way to build up a strong relationship. I hope I will convince you… LOL

Me: It doesn’t sound like we’re compatible. I don’t want to spend hours on the phone. (Also, I don’t like to give out my phone number until I’m certain that I want to date the person. As I’m sure you know, women get a lot more messages than men do. If I gave out my number to every guy who thought I was cute and who wanted to to text or call, I’d be on the phone all day.) It’s not wrong that you want to do that, and I’m sure others do it your way too [. . . ] I hope you find what you’re looking for!

Him: This sounds very weird to me. Are you new to online dating? You can always use blocking on your phone… I don’t know I find that strange.

At least he didn’t LOL in the last message.

As you may have noticed, this man acknowledges that most people go out on dates rather than talking “intensely” on the phone. But he can’t at all understand that I don’t give my number to every stranger who asks for it?

Doesn’t sound like years of dating experience have managed to teach him logic or empathy.

To be fair, however, he’s right about one thing: he doesn’t “do dates,” and he certainly isn’t going on one with me.

“I think you should give yourself the opportunity to learn from me.”

Men: This is NOT how you talk yourself into a second date.

Let me femsplain:

***

One of the most surprising things about online dating this year has been the trend of men who want to mansplain things to me. (Mansplaining, for those who don’t know, is a term invented by Rebecca Solnit in her now famous essay, “Men Explain Things to Me.” It refers to the common practice of some men who seek to enlighten women about whatever subject comes up–even when the woman has superior credentials in the subject area.

I certainly don’t think I have superior credentials in dating, but I would argue that I understand myself and what I want pretty well. That’s why I was so surprised to find men mansplaining as a way to court me.

For example, over the summer, a poly guy messaged me. I don’t have problems with being poly in theory. In fact, I went on a couple of dates with a couple of poly guys over the summer. One of the things I found most daunting was the time commitment. I work between 60-80 hours per week and have two nights a week reserved for specific groups of friends. If I factor in time with other friends and my fairly frequent play-going, I don’t have time to date more than one person. I explained this.

His response was 761 words, mansplaining that I need to “break [my] routine” to find a guy. He also said I should not go looking for “Mr. Right”: “Mr. Right does not appear to be, since you probably would have found him by now. The other option of getting to know someone new and build trust in such a relationship, would detract from the time spent looking for Mr. Right, but might also introduce you to new experiences . . . [sic].” In other words, it would behoove me to go poly and abandon the lifestyle I currently enjoy.

I wasn’t complaining about being busy. For the most part, and in most ways, I really love my life. I would just like to fit a boyfriend into it, for the further support, the further companionship, the sex, and the oxytocin.

In this guy’s defense, he started his missive with a caveat: “The last thing you probably want to hear is advice from someone you don’t know and knows essentially nothing about you, but . . .”

Most mansplainers aren’t that self aware.

I went out on a date with one guy. I was willing to give him a second date, and I warned him when I gave him my number after the first date that I don’t like to be texting all damn day.

He then texted me all damn day, mostly about how he was being good and not doing so (which was doubly annoying).

I didn’t answer every message (I don’t always–especially if the message seems like a closing point to a conversation, as opposed to something that needs an answer). One day, after what I read as a conversation ending message from him, he didn’t message back. I didn’t really think about it–I was gearing up to go to England, trying to get a quarter finished, and suffering from a ridiculous injury involving skin necrosis.

A couple of weeks later, I got a message from him, shaming me for doing the fade-away. He lectured me about how I treat people. What was interesting, from my point of view, was the fact that he assumed this is how I respond to “people”–not him, but people. I will freely admit that I don’t always handle breakups or the “no, we can’t have a second date” conversation perfectly, but I don’t just stop answering people. My perception of this situation was different from his. We talked about something one day (he was offering to text me FSU football updates and I was saying that I DETEST football and thus would not appreciate those texts), and then neither of us texted the next day. Or the next.

Still, he wanted me to know that I needed to behave differently and argued that he was just trying to help me out.

Amazingly, I resisted trying to help him about, though he had a lot to learn about not annoying the shit out of people.

However, the worst case of mansplaining was the guy I quoted above.

In the Spring, I agreed to go out on a date. It was one of my first after the breakup. The guy did a lot to turn me off even before he showed up. He wasn’t working because he was on disability, which of course isn’t an issue in and of itself, but at the time, I was taking care of my disabled aunt–I had been for about a year–and I had developed an aversion to adding more of that kind of stress to my life. Strike one.

I got to the restaurant quite a long time before he did–my own physical therapy went a lot shorter than I thought it would–and ordered a glass of wine. He then messaged me, asking me to change the location of the meet closer to his house, since he’d just gotten out of the shower and hadn’t yet looked up when the buses ran. He doesn’t work, and I was his only commitment that day, but he was going to be late? Strike two.

He then appeared, looking not very like his picture. Strike three. We had an okay conversation; I went home, started to feel a little nauseated, and spent the rest of the day vomiting because of my abdominal migraine or whatever the hell is wrong with me.

It also occurred to me that I wasn’t really ready to date. I took myself off OKC to give myself more time.

He asked me for another date. I declined, citing my need for a longer break before entering the dating world

He then texted me for HOURS. He thought I shouldn’t be shallow–he assumed his looks were my only issue. He told me that I would find him more attractive if I got to know him. He said I needed to be more “open” to the universe (which seemed to mean him) and said he had a lot to teach me, if I would only let myself be taught.

I hadn’t needed another reason to say no, but that kind of pretentious bullshit would have been enough just on its own.

A couple of months later, I went back on OKC. That same day, he texted me again, wondering if I would like to date or be friends. I said no. He then mansplained all the same shit again, about the things I could learn, about how I shouldn’t be closed off, etc.

A few more months went by and he texted AGAIN, wanting to be friends.

Me: I’m not inclined.

Him: Wow.

I didn’t see why he was surprised. We had been on one date, months and months before. I had rejected more contact with him TWICE.

He started mansplaining. I didn’t ‘splain things back to him about stalking or not taking hints, but I did mention that his lectures about what I could learn from him were grating and thus furthering my resolve to stay away.

Him: Okay, fine. I’m tired of beating my head against your stubborn wall.

Trying to get the last word with someone like that just prolongs the conversation, so I let it go.

But this is what I wanted to say:

“I put a wall up against guys like you a long time ago. There’s a barbed-wire fence, a no trespassing notice, and a little placard that says, ‘Don’t even think about fucking here.’ You banged your head against the wall, despite all warnings. Then you did it again. Then you did it again. The wall is only sightly annoyed. You have a bloody head. What in the world do you think I could learn from a man who hasn’t learned to take a god-damned hint? I hope this has been a lesson to you.”

This poster is available on Etsy: https://www.etsy.com/listing/248542105/no-mansplaining-zone-feminist-poster

Entry 10 (wherein I have dark fantasies):

Several times a week, a guy forgets (or shows he hasn’t read) the part of my profile in which I explain how to communicate with me:

“I answer basically every message I get, as long as it’s a real message–not just a ‘hi’ or ‘good morning.’ However, this site isn’t connected to my phone. I don’t tend to hang out to ‘chat’; instead, I come online a few times a day to read and answer messages. So tell me something about yourself or ask me a question or tell me a dating horror story–I love those. If we find we have things to talk about, we’ll set up a meet. (If you’re the type of guy who needs to text a girl every three minutes and have her text you back right away, I’m probably not the girl for you.)”

As you all know, I’m one of the busiest people ever and I need to focus throughout the day. Thus, I don’t want to be interrupted all the time. As those of you who have my phone number know, I often don’t hear my phone, forget that I’ve turned it off, etc., because I’m not on it all the time–I’m working or hanging out with you, my lovely friends.

Yet the following interaction happens all the time. I’ll check my messages in the morning. Guys can set up the site to alert them when someone they “like” is online, allowing them to jump into chat mode (let’s ignore the stalkeriness of that for now). Usually, though, by the time they get their “Hi wht r u up 2 2day” out, I’m off the site again.

Hours later, when I check messages again, I see the sad attempt at chatting.

Me: Hi. Thanks for the message. As noted on my profile, I don’t really chat on this site. I’m happy to answer a real message, though, when I check in periodically.

The guy: OK. What’s ur number? We can txt.

I then refrain from hitting my own head against my desk until the internal pain stops; I explain that giving my phone number to every stranger on a dating site who thinks I’m cute would be a) dangerous b) even MORE time consuming and distracting and annoying than the site chatting I’m refusing to do, since the whole point is that I don’t want to exchange “whats up?” with strangers instead of being present when I’m working/hanging out with friends/eating/binge watching/sitting in a theatre; then I fantasize about hitting the guy’s head against the enormous, hard mental wall blocking any form of empathy for it’s like to be a woman on a dating site until the wall comes crumbling down and he cries a little.